Friday, December 23, 2005

Happy Holidays from the Reglar Wiglar staff!


(l-r; Joey T. Germ, P.C. Jones, Muggsy McMurphy, Irresistible Frank, P.C. Jones, Tim Davison, Malcolm Tent)

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Did You Know . . .

By the year 2045 two-thirds of the U.S. population will have been a roommate on MTV's the Real World?*

*source T.J. Honeyfinkle's Almanac of Interesting Facts, 9th Edition

Monday, December 12, 2005

War on Christmas = ON!

Sam Seder throws down the gauntlet.

Listen, as far as the war on Christmas goes, I feel like we should be waging a war on Christmas. I mean, I believe that Christmas, it's almost proven that Christmas has nuclear weapons, can be an imminent threat to this country, that they have operative ties with terrorists and I believe that we should sacrifice thousands of American lives in pursuit of this war on Christmas. And hundreds of billions of dollars of taxpayer money. ...I'd like to get back to the operational ties between Santa Claus and al Qaeda... We have intelligence, we have intelligence...we have tortured an elf and it's actually how we got the same information from Al Libbi. It's exactly the same way the Bush administration got this info about the operational ties between al Qaeda and Saddam....Don't cut and run from the War on Christmas!

UPDATE:
This just in: http://war-on-christmas.blogspot.com/I’m starting a new War on Christmas. This one requires that all Christians boycott all Christmas shopping and use the money instead to support their church, Christian missionary group, or Christian charity.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Holiday gift ideas!


This Spin Stops Here briefcase is 100% Made in USA from tough, water resistant 600 denier nylon. It has a large main pocket along with an accessory pocket and a "clamshell" opening section to conveniently carry all your necessities for work or play.
Its handles are poly-wrapped and it includes a detachable, padded shoulder strap, too.
Best of all this unique, Made in the USA bag has a big "Spin Stops Here!" logo composed of over 13,000 embroidered stitches.



These high quality chrome-plated license plate frames are embossed with "God Bless America" on the top and "No Spin" with flag on the bottom.
Put one on your car and everyone on the road will know that you're a Factor fan.
***These license plate frames are made to fit license plates in all the U.S. states. However, certain states prohibit the covering of any plate information and may impose fines for violation. BillOReilly.com can not be held responsible for your state's license plate requirements. Please check with your state's Department of Motor Vehicles for details before purchasing. In particular, Texas has certain laws that may or may not allow this license plate frame to be used.



The mug Bill calls "The Best Mug in the World!" Our mugs are all custom made in the USA for Bill, and will hold almost 16 ounces of your morning coffee. Our logo is printed on both sides of the mug, so left or right handed, coming or going, out on a table or up on a shelf... it will always be on display! This mug is available in navy or white, and is dishwasher and microwave safe.



Full color 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle featuring Bill at work in the O'Reilly Factor studio. A website exclusive.
Be the first in your village to own the exclusive Bill O'Reilly Jigsaw Puzzle.


The No Spin pipe is an offspring of the vaporiser family, easy to use and will really get you "in the 'Zone'". Just put your favorite smoking blend in the bowl (make sure it's very fine and MADE IN THE U.S.A.) and heat the bottom of the bowl until a fine steam starts.
You can now start smoking as with a traditional pipe, while you watch your favorite tv show!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Why I'm Fighting Against Christmas

You are very clever Mr. O'Reilly, you have finally figured it out. Christmas is indeed under seige. For you see, sir, I am one of those warriors fighting against the Christmas holiday. You may be curious as to why I would dedicate my life to this cause. I will tell you. It all started when I was a child and I asked Santa Claus for a Star Wars Millenium Falcon for Christmas. On Christmas morning 1978, I was DENIED that request with NO EXPLANATION! I was confused. I didn't understand. I had been a good boy ALL YEAR LONG and I DESERVED Han Solo's flying vessel. I knew kids at school who already owned the piece de resistance of the entire rebel fleet and I was as deserving as any of them of such a treasure. I asked my parents why Santa would be so cruel to such a good little boy. "It isn't fair," I cried. "Life isn't fair," was their only reply.

From that day forward I have been a warrior in the trenches of the WAR ON CHRISTMAS and let me tell you one thing, Bill O'Reilly and John Gibson and Sean Hannity, WE WILL WIN because we will NEVER SURRENDER! We want this victory more than all the Millenium Falcons and Landspeeders in the world and WE WILL NOT BE DENIED!!!!

George W. Bush hates Christmas

"It bothers me that the White House card leaves off any reference to Jesus, while we've got Ramadan celebrations in the White House... What's going on there?"

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Birds in Albany Park are Sloppy, Fat & Out of Control

There I said it. Now all you bird lovers can go ahead and persecute me. I don't care. The truth is that I have been feeding these ingrates for a month and all they do is shit on my porch. They're already so fat they can barely fly and they somehow managed to get the top off the bird feeder which was empty anyway, but they couldn't figure that out because they're also stupid.

I'm sticking with the squirrels from now on.

The Dictionary According to Rumsfeld

One would think that the man who never sits would have enough to occupy his time without inventing new phrases for things that don't quite go as planned. The man who reintroduced the word "slog" into our lexicon and who popularized the technique of self interrogation, had a brainstorm this past weekend, probably after feeling the effects of a turkey-fueled, tryptopane-induced stupor (Do I need more stuffing? No. Do I want more stuffing? Yes. Am I going to have more stuffing? Absolutely.)

Not satisfied with his failed attempt to transform the War on Terror into the absurdly long, "global struggle against violent extremism" (yeah, give Bush more words to misremember), Rummy would now prefer it if we would all please call the "insurgents" in Iraq, "enemies of the legitimate Iraqi government" (gotta throw 'legitimate" in there because saying it makes it so. It also makes it clunkier, and more awkward thus guaranteeing that no one will use it).

Rumsfeld argues that calling these Iraqis (formerly known as insurgents), "enemies of the legitimate Iraqi government" (whew) gives them "more legitimacy than they seem to merit." I guess the logic being that calling something by a different name will eliminate the problem and thus end the insurgency just like how Fox News ended "suicide bombings" by renaming them "homicide bombings."

Of course, this turning out of phrases means that we can't call it an insurgency anymore. Is it a beef? No, that's too East Coast/West Coast gangsta'. Is it a gripe? No, still sounds too legit. Shit. Well, whatever it was called it's called something else now. It's still a long, hard slog though.

Ideas for Soft Targets album titles

Will The Real Soft Targets Please Stand Up?
Soft Targets Get Bombed
There Are But One Soft Targets
Hardly Workin'

Thursday, November 24, 2005

T-Day, amen.

Thanksgiving Day, Nov. 28, 1986
by William S. Burroughs
For John Dillinger
In hope he is still alive


Thanks for the wild turkey and the Passenger Pigeons, destined to be shit out through wholesome American guts --

thanks for a Continent to despoil and poison --

thanks for Indians to provide a modicum of challenge and danger --

thanks for vast herds of bison to kill and skin, leaving the carcass to rot --

thanks for bounties on wolves and coyotes --

thanks for the AMERICAN DREAM to vulgarize and falsify until the bare lies shine through --

thanks for the KKK, for nigger-killing lawmen feeling their notches, for decent church-going women with their mean, pinched, bitter, evil faces --

thanks for "Kill a Queer for Christ" stickers --

thanks for laboratory AIDS --

thanks for Prohibition and the War Against Drugs --

thanks for a country where nobody is allowed to mind his own business --

thanks for a nation of finks -- yes,

thanks for all the memories... all right, let's see your arms... you always were a headache and you always were a bore --

thanks for the last and greatest betrayal of the last and greatest of human dreams.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Ode To A Nugget (An Ode)

A classical Greek poem modeled on the choric ode and usually having a three-part stucture consisting of a strophe, an antistrophe, and an epode.

strophe

crispy and golden

antistrophe

processed chicken meat

epode

a delicious snack

Ode To A Nugget (A Haiku Poem)

crispy and golden
processed chicken meat
a delicious snack

(I'm a poet and I am aware of it)

Monday, October 31, 2005

Something you should know

Under the Sedition Act, anyone "opposing or resisting any law of the United States, or any act of the President of the United States" could be imprisoned for up to two years. It was also illegal to "write, print, utter, or publish" anything that criticized the president or Congress. It was notable that the Act did not prohibit criticism of the Vice-president.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Da White Sax


Dere, I gave praps. Now less go Bearss. We got win number tree lass week. Lookin' for win number four dis Sunday.

Go Bearss!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Mike Wing's brother Chris

Browsing allmusic.com this morning, we came across this interesting version of the New Rob Robbies saga:

Biography
by Mike DaRonco

The breakup of the Bowling Green, OH-based Dutch Crumbs, the Blank Schatz, and Sheepish Grin would eventually result in the 1993 formation of the New Rob Robbies. Originally consisting of George Kraynak (vocals), Robbie Butler (drums), Paul Johnson (guitar), and Mike Wing (bass), the quartet relocated to Chicago and released their debut EP in 1994 as a split with Vambo Marble Eye. 

With their power pop inspirations of Hüsker Dü and the Replacements, the New Rob Robbies released their first full-length, Just Add Butter...Wilson's Revenge, in 1996. Mike's brother Chris Wing took over on bass before the band signed to Owned and Operated Records. Their second album, Pure Whore, soon followed in 1999.

Friday, October 14, 2005

It's A Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush World

The President’s Totally Unscripted, Off-the-Cuff Q&A Session with US Troops in Iraq via Video Teleconference

THE PRESIDENT: Captain Kennedy.

CAPTAIN KENNEDY: Yes, Mr. President.

THE PRESIDENT: It’s good to see you. Thanks for taking the time out of our fight for freedom to answer a few of my questions. I know you guys are gonna give me the honest truth from a soldier’s gut. I want it straight. Don’t pull any punches. Our march towards freedom is too important.
But first, I want to thank the members of the 42nd Infantry Division and Task Force Liberty for doing their part in bringing freedom to the Iraqi people. I thank you. America thanks you.

We are facing an enemy that hates freedom. They are ruthless and cold-blooded and they hate freedom. That is opposite of what we stand for. We love freedom. We stand for freedom. We’re all about freedom. I mean, heh, I love freedom so much it scares me sometimes.
So, tell me, honestly, how is the freedom going over there?

CAPTAIN KENNEDY: I’m going to throw this question to Captain Pratt, sir?

THE PRESIDENT: Didn’t mean to throw you a curveball there, Captain.

CAPTAIN PRATT: Sir, the freedom is progressing smoothly. Lots of freedom on the horizon for the Iraqis sir,

THE PRESIDENT: Give me the truth, Captain, I can take it.

CAPTAIN PRATT: Straight up, Mr. President. Things could absolutely not be better in any possible, conceivable way.

THE PRESIDENT: Ok, well, heh, heh, well, what if we sent that Jessica Simpson over there to do a little concert for you all, would that make it better?

CAPTAIN PRATT: Well, Sir, yes that would make it better, but other than the possible exception of a Jessica Simpson concert, things could not be better.

CAPTAIN SMITH: Mr. President, good morning. I’m Captain Smith. I’ve been training the Iraqi Army, Sir, and I can assure you that the Iraqi Army is ready, capable and eager to begin their fight for freedom, Sir.

THE PRESIDENT: That’s good. So how is the ahh, what is it called—the thing with the ballots—the vote—how is the vote that’s coming up in about 40 hours, or around 48 hours from now. The freedom vote, how’s that going?

CAPTAIN SMITH: Great sir, the preparations for voting have gone off without a hitch. Everything is pretty much going exactly according to plan, Sir.

THE PRESIDENT: That’s good. So, let me ask you, off the top of my head here, heh, heh, you’ve had a chance to interface with the regular Iraqi folk, how do they feel about our presence there and our mission to bring them freedom? Do they love freedom yet? They gotta be lovin’ the freedom by now, I would think.

CAPTAIN SMITH: I’m going to field that one as well, Sir.

THE PRESIDENT: You’re a smart fella’, Captain, heh, heh. Isn’t he smart?

CAPTAIN SMITH: Thank you, Sir. The short answer to your question is that the Iraqis love us, they love freedom, and they are totally down with the march towards freedom and all the great things that go with it, and with the exception of the freedom haters, that is an indisputable fact, Sir.

THE PRESIDENT: That’s good. Hold on a second there, Captain, my microphone thingy keeps poppin’ out of my ear, heh, heh. That’s better. So it’s going good then?

CAPTAIN SMITH: It’s all good, Sir.

THE PRESIDENT: But it hasn’t been easy.

CAPTAIN SMITH: No Sir, it hasn’t been easy.

THE PRESIDENT: In fact, it’s been a little hard at times.

CAPTAIN SMITH: At times, yes.

THE PRESIDENT: But it’s all good now?

CAPTAIN SMITH: Yes, Sir.

THE PRESIDENT: Whose that little combat lady next to you?

SERGEANT JONES: Sergeant Jones, Sir.

THE PRESIDENT: Hello Sergeant. You look familiar, have you been a prop before—I mean have I seen you around before?

SERGEANT JONES: I believe I was at Ground Zero in New York when you came there, Sir.

THE PRESIDENT: I knew you looked familiar. That is some kinda coincidence right there.

SERGEANT JONES: It is pretty freaky, Sir. I would just like to tell you that my own personal observation of the troop morale, the Iraqi Army capabilities, the desire of the Iraqis for freedom, and the overall march towards freedom in general, are going great. You’re doing a terrific job, we’re doing a terrific job, the Iraqis are doing a terrific job.

THE PRESIDENT: How ‘bout Brownie, is Brownie doing a terrific job? Heh, heh, That was a joke Sergeant.

SERGEANT JONES: It was very funny, Sir.

CAPTAIN KENNEDY: Sir, Sergeant Akeel from the Iraqi Army would like to say something to you.

THE PRESIDENT: Good, let’s hear him.

SERGEANT AKEEL: I like you, Mr. President. (laughter)

THE PRESIDENT: Well ok, then.

SERGEANT AKEEL: Thank you.

THE PRESIDENT: Ok. Thank you fine men and women. It has been an honor. I wish I could be there in Tikrit with you, just hanging out, clearing the brush. Maybe someday I’ll get there. Maybe not yet, even though it is completely secure and would be perfectly safe for me or Jessica Simpson to do so.

I just want to tell you that even if things weren’t going well, which they obviously are, as you told me yourselves in this unscripted Q & A, but even if they weren’t going well, we would never give up. We would never give in until we had achieved absolute victory over the freedom haters. And if you ever happen to find yourself in the White House Oval Office some day, don’t be afraid to say hello.

Thank you all.

World Famous Record Reviews

Some Record Reviews from Reglar Wiglar #21 for you to enjoy until the Website goes back up, hopefully, tomorrow

A18
Dear Furious (Victory)
www.victoryrecords.com
Would someone kindly, please tell me just what the FUCK everybody is so angry about? For Christ's sake, people, lighten up. A18 is a SoCal hardcore/metal band that's been growling around the scene for about a half dozen years or so. Heavier than some, angrier than most. Don't worry. No new ground was broken in the making of this record-Irresistible Frank

THE BRIEFS
Sex Objects (BYO) www.byorecords.com
Love it. Love. It. The Breifs are a living, breathing homage to the best punk rock of the 70s and somehow they do it without sounding cliched, out dated or too terribly derivitave. A welcome blast from the past that's planted firmly right here in the present. IF you have one Good Charlotte CD in your collection you should buy three copies of Sex Objects to get your punk rock karma back on track . . . and so you won't burn in hell-Irresistible Frank

THE GAMITS
Antidote (Suburban Home)
www.suburbanhomerecords.com
The Gamits kinda float to the top of the bowl in the power pop/punk genre in my esteemed and much sought after opinion. It's got some catchy hooks and singer Chris Fogel doesn't milk the whine so much. Not like some of these guys, know what I'm sayin'? Antidote starts off with the "Dotted Lines," a high note not duplicated on the rest of the album, although some moments come close. "Golden Sometimes" being an example-PC Jones

A Haiku Review
ENGINE DOWN
Engine Down (Lookout!)

Emotional rock
fighting angst and ennui
living is hard, no?

TED LEO & THE PHARMACISTS
Shake the Sheets (Lookout!)
www.lookoutrecords.com
An accomplished guitar player in his own right and a literate lyricist, Ted Leo and his RX buddies, create a sound not unlike his predecessors, Elvis Costello and Joe Jackson, and others in the angry young man, singer/songwriter category. Perhaps angry is a bit overstated. More like disappointed. Disappointment in people or things (or governments maybe?) that don't live up to their own high expectations can lead to anger, which can in turn lead to such cathartic measures as Shake the Sheets -Jayne Wayne

THE UGLY BEATS!
Bring on the Beats! (Get Hip)
www.gethip.com
Nobody understands my pain. Maybe God does, but he lives way up in space and is therefore removed from my mortal sufferings. But maybe, maybe The Ugly Beats! understand my pain. They certainly sound like the do-Irresistible Frank

Theodore Roosevelt Heller, R.I.P.

Theodore Roosevelt Heller, 88, loving father of Charles (Joann) Heller; dear brother of the late Sonya (the late Jack) Steinberg. Ted was discharged from the U.S. Army during WWII due to service related injuries, and then forced his way back into the Illinois National Guard insisting no one tells him when to serve his country. Graveside services Tuesday 11 a.m. at Waldheim Jewish Cemetery (Ziditshover section), 1700 S. Harlem Ave., Chicago. In lieu of flowers, please send acerbic letters to Republicans.

Published in the Chicago Tribune on 10/10/2005.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Half the story

At this exact moment, I'm parked at my work station, listening to last night's Best Show, enjoying a fresh "Mike Dixon", contemplating abondoning my effort to finish Neuromancer in favor of starting Good As Gold, and perusing the electronically-encoded B.S. "here" on this web-site (presently the sole official internet source for the Reglar Wiglar's trademark humor-simulations).
We've presented some funny and even more not-really-funny stuff over the past eight months, but it's occurred to me that if anyone's checking in with any regularity (if there's any way to keep track of the hits on this page, we haven't figured it out yet), they may only be getting HALF THE STORY. At the bottom of each and every delicious blog entry, there is a link to a comments section, where readers are encouraged to contribute their own 2 cents.
For instance, you may have missed the opportunity to weigh in on the spirited debate over whether or not snack chips belong on sandwiches; or to suggest a question for Buzz Osborne to ingnore; or maybe you've got a Jimmy Buffet prank call fantasy you'd like to share; or maybe you just want to insult the author, insulated by the anonymity that emboldens you and so many of your fellow internet cowards. Seriously, we love our readers, won't you consider giving some of it back, or at least throw it back in our stupid faces once in a while?
--J.D. Fortune

Monday, October 10, 2005

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Healthy Hint #1 from Toby Woodrow

Toby Woodrow says:

Instead of reaching for the syringe and shooting that bag of heroin, try eating a juicy red apple instead!

10 Most Awesomely Great New VH1 Shows!

You won't believe the new batch of shows VH1 has cooked up for viewers this Fall. Check it out!

1) Baddest '80s Hotties

2) America's Next Washed Up Has Beens and Never Was Gonna Be's

3) Hollywood's Skankiest Babes

4) 100 Most Awesome-ist Cheesy So-Bad-They're-Good Power Ballads

5) Unfunny D-List Celebrity "Commedians" Remember Insignificant Moments in Pop Culture History Like They Happened Yesterday

6) The Not So Fabulous Life of Fluffers

7) Rolling Stone Magazine's Rob Sheffield's Most Cringe-Inducing, Unfunny Comments About Celebrities He Probably Would Kill to Have Sex With

8) Remember Slinkies? Slinkies Were Cool--Hosted by Henry Rollins

9) I Love the 20s!

10) 100 Most Outrageous Moments We Couldn't Get Permission to Show (Even Though Viacom Owns Everything) But We Have Some Stock Footage of Other Stuff, So Watch That While We Talk About What We Can't Show You

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Next Question (Dedicated to D. Rumsfeld)

That is a two-pronged assessment. Or I should say, a two part to a two prong assesment. A four part, two pronged assessment or scenario. And the answer depends on several different variables, all of which, at this present time, are unknowns. In the first scenario you have a certain set of variables, in the second scenario you also have a certain set of variables. When you combine the two varbiables, invariably you will have a situation where, at best, there is no precise answer. However, the set of circumstances in which these variables co-exist changes continously, so much so in fact, that the situation on the ground isn't necesarily the same as what we would like it to be. But the probable set of circumstances, as we know them to be--and this is important--is that we can not possibly know every possible part of every possible prong in any given known or unknown situation or scenario. The variables prove this to be true, as far as we know, and like I just explained, we can't possibley know. Next question.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Garage Sale Saturday

Multi-Family Garage Sale Saturday!!!

Stained stuff! Broke stuff! Out-of-fashion clothes!
Useless bullshit, crap and tons of total junk!
Stuff you don't need! Stuff we don't want!

So come on by and give us money and take away
some of our totally worthless bullshit.

No early birds. Eary birds get shot at.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Restaurant Reviews

Al Chapara's (or whatever the hell it's called).
State and Dearborn


Even a framed Urlacher print couldn't save this place from biting it. I can see why Mike Ditka and Michael Jordon would use their first and last name in the title of their restaurant; their names are the selling point but who the hell is Al Chapara? I don't even think I got the name right and I just spent an hour there.

CUISINE:

I had the portabello mushroom sandwich. Tmuch mushroom. Like all normal people I like mushrooms but this was way out of proportion to the bread and lettuce leaf it was sandwiched between. Inconsistent toasting of the bread too. I don't like different sections of my bread to be in different stages of toastedness. I prefer a nice even toasting. Very inconsistent french fries as well. I noticed from glancing at my fellow Clubbers fries that they all varied in doneness, mine being a little less done than most which made them flaccid as well as greasy. No pickle? That's fucked.

SERVICE:

Our server was friendly and attentive and Al served our food with a smile and brought not one but two varieties of mustard. Unfortunately this small touch did little to counter the sub par cuisine

AMBIENCE:

The paper table coverings were a tacky attempt to appear upscale, perhaps this was to justify the price increase from the Dearborn Diner days. Very limited and unattractive menu. Would it kill you to laminate the thing for chrissake? How much could that cost? I understand that it may only be a temporary menu but it sends an immediate signal to the customer that you don't care. I'm sorry Al, but ordering off a food stained menu isn't appetizing. You order food off the menu not on the menu. And why such a limited menu? Only one type of burger? How hard can it be to make up a bunch of different burger names; "The Al Classic," "The Big Al with Cheese," "The Al Junior," "The Southwestern Al with Blue Cheese Dressing" etc, etc. How hard was that? They don't even need to make sense. I know that it's a brand new business but it comes in a long tradition of failed Diners however, customers wouldn't necessarily know this, especially guests of the hotel above. The place has a sort of a not-quiet-together feel to it. Perhaps a sign along the lines of "Pardon Our Dust" which businesses use when remodeling would be in order. Something like "We Just Opened And We're Working on Ways to Serve You Better" or "Still Tryin' to Get Our Shit Together, Be Patient". It seems like Al's doesn't even know if it wants to be a diner. It should either commit to being a diner which serves American food or completely change the decor and the menu.

RATING:

Al's is struggling with its identity and I don't have time for restaurants with complexes. Although the conversation was captivating as usual, all in all it was not a very satisfying Lunch Club experience. I give it a spork.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Trade Me New Zealand

Would somebody please tell those kiwis The Reglar Wiglar ain't a comic book!

Divorced from Reality

"And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this - this is working very well for them."--Barbara Bush, commenting on conditions in the Houston Astrodome

I think Babs is onto something here. If Hurricane Katrina and the subsequent flooding has improved the lives of the underprivileged, why don't we flood all the poor neighborhoods in all of our major cities. I think, in the long run, the benefits would outweigh the short-term struggles of no home, no job, no future.

As a Fox News commentator optimistically observed this weekend, some of these displaced flood victims (or refugees) are getting medical attention for the first time in years and they're finding out they have chronic conditions that have until now gone undiagnosed. Too bad they still won't have health insurance. But at least they'll know how fucked they are.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Bush Finds Silver Lining in Hurricane Disaster

"First we're going to save lives and stabilize the situation. Then we're going to help these communities rebuild. The good news is, and it's hard for some to see it now, is that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast, like it was before. Out of the rubble of Trent Lott's house, this guy lost his entire house, there's going to be a fantastic house and I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch."--George W. Bush

Thank God Trent Lott is going to be able to rebuild! Thank you God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Restaurant Reviews

Excerpt from the Best Restaurant Review Site Ever! (I said EVER!)

IRON MIKE'S GRILL

100 E. Chestnut, Chicago, IL

What can you say about Ditka, the man, the legend? He runs a restaurant like he runs a football team, with passion and integrity and an iron fist. Sometimes he forgets he's not on the sidelines of the grid iron when gives a waitress a smack on the ass for a good play or tears the dishwasher a new one for fumbling a salad plate. And don't think that plastic hip will keep him from hobbling over to your table ready to lay a bread basket right in the bread basket.

The Fridge Burger really lived up to it's name. Even William Perry would have trouble putting down a half dozen of these lovingly prepared, expertly garnished Bearific sandwiches. The service lived up to the Ditka legacy too, the waiter even took my friend Tim's overt homo-erotic comment (he told the waiter the Fridge Burger was Ditkarific) in stride. The real Ditka would have snapped my friend's neck like a twig.

The only complaint I would have is that there weren't enough moustaches on the staff.

I give it daaaa Fork.

The Top Nine Woodrows Records of All-Time!

It took Reglar Wiglar music critics, Joey T. Germ and Muggsy McMurphy, over thirty-six hours, seven cases of beer and three bottles of Makers to compile this list of the Top Nine Woodrows records of all time.

(Yeah, it was suppossed to be a Top Ten but the booze ran out.)

Enjoy!

Drunk
Quite possibly the best Woodrow record ever! Punk rock has yet to fully recover. Features: “Drunk,” “Gettin’ Drunk,” “Been Drinkin’,” “Just Had to Get Drunk Last Night,” “I’d Rather be Drunk than Drinkin’,” “Drink, Drink, Drink,” & of course the club hit, “Drink, Drank, Drunk”

Naked
The follow-up album to the brilliant Drunk LP. Twice the power! Four times the fun! Thirty-seven songs, including: “Naked,” “Born Naked,” “Tube Sock,” “Been Naked,” “Buck Naked,” “Caught in the Raw” plus thirty-one more classics!

Woodrows in Love
Recorded in the spring of 1992 after ALL four of the adorable Woodrow Brothers fell in love, simultaneously with the SAME girl!!! That poor, poor girl. “We Love You, Brenda,” “Church Bells a’Ringin’,” “Brenda, Choose Your Man,” “She Loves Us, She Loves Us Not” May the best Woodrow win!

Psycho Woodrow Zombies from Hell
Too many late, late, late shows for the Woodrow kids. Yiiikes!!! Seventeen bloodthirsty tracks, including “Gimme Brains,” “Skullcrusher Blues,” “Tasty Brains,” “Entrail Stew,” “Zombie Love,” “Gut Wrench (Literally)”, “Monster Bud,” “The More the Hairy”

Church of the Woodrows
You’ve heard about The Church of Scientology, right? Well, hear the word of the Church of the Woodrow, man! You better get on your knees and pray! Fifteen god-fearing tunes: “Lord as My Shepard,” “Jesus is Cool,” “God Loves all the Little Childrens,” “Let’s Hold Hands and Praise the Lord,” “The Devil, He Tempts Us All,” “Jesus Freaking” and more!!!

Hey Woodrow!
An early one and a surly one for sure. Ten sloppy tunes including “Ditchweed Doug,” “Goldfish Sandwich,” “Robo-Drunk,” “Have Weed Will Travel,” “Marvy’s Little Problem,” “House Arrest,” “Twinkie Farm,” and the Woodrow classic, “A Little Ying and a Lotta Yang.” Brilliant!

Run Woodrow Run!
Good advice if you’re a Woodrow. Running time is ten minutes on this one. That’s enough for thirty raunchy Woodrow gems like “Piss Pants,” “Ricky’s Got a Boner,” “Naked Twister,” “Firecracker,” “Zonked Out,” “Bum Rap (Revisited),” “Just Got Outa Jail and I Feel Like Getting’ F’d Up,” plus 23 more!

Rub-a-Dub Dub Four Woodrows in a Tub
After a two week hiatus the Woodrow Four returned with 1989s slippery soapy sequel: “Better’ n’ Shit,” “Suck-Ass Losers,” “Ralph,” “Your Mama’s a Ho (But I Love Her),” “Rat Bastards,” “S.O.B.,” “Repeat Offenders of the Faith,” “Glue Stick,” “God Hates Me,” and 33 more!

Woodrow Germs
Twenty-seven Woodrow Classics are packed onto this twenty minute limited edition, vinyl only release. Features a blistering cover of The Nuge’s “Cat Scratch Fever,” with originals “Fuck Work,” “Fuck the Government,” “Fuck the Phone Company,” “Fuck Institutions of Higher Learning.” A must have!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!

INTERNATIONAL!!!!

NAME CHANGE FOR AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR BADMINTON TEAM


NEPAL-The AP and Rueters have reported that America's most popular and successful Badminton Team, The Flying Cocks, have changed their name. The change comes in anticipation of the F-ing Cs upcoming tournament in Berwyn, Illinois on Sunday. The duo is not letting on as to what the new name might be, however. "They'll have to show up on Sunday and find out," joked team member Chris Auman via satellite from his room at the royal palace in the Nepalese capitol of Kathmandu. Auman and his teammate Tim Davison are in Nepal to receive the coveted Award for Excellence in the Field of Badminton from King Gyanendra Bir Bikram Shah Dev.

Niles Biscuit and Ian McMcKinson contributed to this story

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Reglar Wiglar #21 Out Soon, Etc.!!!

Yes, it's true, Reglar Wiglar #21 is currently at the printers and should be available for public consumption sometime next week. For those of you who don't know, the Reglar Wiglar is the zine from which this blog takes it's name. The new issue, in addition to the usual features, has interviews with Chicago's Peelers; legendary punk pioneers D.O.A. (see blog entry below); underground artist, Gary Panter; local indie rockers, Lying in States and NYC's The Hold Steady. For a real life copy of this fantastic issue, send $2 to Reglar Wiglar Magazine, 1658 N Milwaukee, #545, Chicago IL, 60647. That's a friggin' deal, people.

In other news, reglarwiglar.com is about to go down (and roostercow.com as well), but hopefully only temporarily. I don't know when I'll have my computer and internet issues sorted out, but you'll just have to check back. Besides, the blog is where it's at, right? Where's our book deal?

And finally on a rock note, my new band, Soft Targets, is making it's club debut this Friday, August 19, at 9pm at Silvie's Lounge, 1902 W Irving Park Road in Chicago. Don't be a wuss, come out and see us and drink some beer, it's Friday for God's sake!

Love,

Chris Auman
Office Manager
Reglar Wiglar Publisher
RoosterCow Records President
Scratcher of Backs (When Reciprocated)

Friday, August 05, 2005

I Got Plans for Tonight

I'm gonna drink the fuck out of a beer tonight
I'm gonna drink the piss out of a pint
I'm gonna drink the shit out of a Stella, fellah
Not much you can do about it

I'm gonna smoke the hell out of a cigarette tonight
I'm gonna smoke the ass out of about twenty cigarettes as a matter of fact
Drink and smoke, drink and smoke
That's what I got going on tonight

I'm gonna listen to music and drink beer at the bar
and smoke cigarettes and talk all kinds of bullshit
I'm gonna talk a lot of smack, jack
You're gonna wanna stop listening after awhile once I get started

After the bar I'm going to eat the shit out of a burrito
I'm going to eat the fuck out of some quesadillas
I'm gonna drink a shit load of soda and go home and pass out
That's what's happening tonight, my friend

Bank on it

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Unfortunate Cookie

My fortune cookie today says "Your problem lies not in a lack of ability, but in a lack of ambition." That doesn't sound like a fortune so much as it sounds like somebody bitching at me. I don't need that kind of a hassle after I eat, you know?

Monday, July 25, 2005

RIP: The Rocker



ROCKER DIES AFTER STAGE-DIVING DURING A GIG

Famed advice columnist known only as "The Rocker" plunged to his death midway through a raucous performance, after a spectacular stage-dive went horribly wrong.

The Rocker, who was playing with his band Boss Brains at a gig promoted by US music magazine The Reglar Wiglar, jumped off the stage at a venue in Arlington Heights, Illinois.
The singer horrified fans as he reached out mid-leap to hang from a lighting rig, but missed and fell head-first onto the floor during the concert last Wednesday.

The 39-year-old died in hospital the next morning.

A witness says, "He crouched down before leaping off the stage and tried to grab the lighting rig and his momentum carried him forward.

"He went upside down and hit the floor. It lasted about five seconds. It was horrendous."

The Rocker's brother The Roller, who is also in the band, adds, "He died doing what he did best. Rocking the fuck out."

Friday, July 15, 2005

Dear Los Pinos Mexican Restauran

Dear Los Pinos Mexican Restauran,

I have received the menus from your restauran that were attached to the doorknob of the front door of my building. Thank you. I made sure that each tenant in the building got one. "Best tacos in tawn", huh? Pretty impressive!

I will look over the menu items and consider them carefully. Should I find something I like I will contact you further via the phone number printed on the front of the menu. Thanks again.

Sorry if this letter is a bit brief, I have also received menus from Golden Crust Pizza, Mr. Pollo, and Shawerma King.

Yours,

Office Manager

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Calling Shipping/ Receiving

Shipping/ Receiving. This is Office Manager. Do you copy? Over.

Shipping/ Receiving. This is Office Manager. The monkey is in the barrel. Repeat. The monkey is in the barrel. Do you copy? Over.

Shipping/ Receiving. This is Office Manager. If you read me, contact me through Mr. Germ. Over.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Meanwhile, in the +BlackMetal+ chat room on soulseek...





















[count_blah] You're the truest black metaller ever.
[Herr_Charles_VII] Well, thank you, but may i ask how you know me, or any of my works?
[+Nucular_Frost+] GETCHOO SUM DENTAL FLOSS WHILE YOU SEXIN
[Herr_Charles_VII] Is that from the new Satanic Warmaster cd?
[publicastration] alright pizza time bitches
[Euronymouslives] I thought you shopped at Hot Topic. Don't get me wrong I'm not insulting you... I just thought you did.
[dismembered-bodyparts] does anyone got vomitron?
[TheeIronCodpiece] Manowar could beat up Immortal in a no-holds-barred fight to the death
[ForestElf] why would manowar and immortal have a fight,they is on the same side of what is metal
[sagave_viking_master] you're just as stupid as nargaroth who faught in the woods against his enemy.
[TheeIronCodpiece] Your mom is the son of Nagaroth

Bonus blogs!:
Bedtime Stories
Halfway Around the World...
Dark Secrets
Red is He/White is SheorHe
Bad Cocaine Fueled Nightmares and Shit Hot Hair Spray Too!!!
?????
??????
???????

Friday, July 08, 2005

I Got More

I got more money in my bank
I got more gas in my tank
I got more steak in my flank
I got more pull in my rank

I got more fifty in my cent
I got more control in my rent
I got more pup in my tent
I got more exhaust in my vent

I got more ring to my tone
I got more bare to my bone
I got more danger in my zone
I got more shark in my loan

I got more cell in my stem
I got more Stimpy in my Ren
I got more mustard on my bread
I got more needle on my thread

I got more hot on my wings
I got more wild in my flings
I got more mood on my swings
I got more silly in my strings

I got more crime in my century
I got more blood in my history
I got more Greek in my tragedy
I got more fear in my factory

I got more bad in my apple
More juice in my Snapple
More grip in my grapple
More Paige in my Satchel
More flim in my flam
More god in my damn
More skin in my flint
More short in my stint
More spam in my box
More sly in my fox
More Hanoi in my rocks
More tube in my socks
More swain in my cox
More ships in my docks
More geese in my flocks
More tail in my ox
More hard in my knocks
More build in my blocks

I just got more

Saturday, June 11, 2005

JIMMY BUFFETT LOST HIS CELL PHONE!

Jimmy Buffett got into a situation in Palm Beach, Fla., recently that had a lot of similarities to Paris Hilton's now-famous T-Mobile Sidekick incident. Trouble began when Buffett lost his cell phone, and it ended with the involvement of the U.S. Secret Service.
The Mayor of Margaritaville was seen dancing into the early morning hours of May 29 at Palm Beach's Cuban nightclub Brisa Atlantica. At 4 a.m., during cleanup, busboy Jason Martin, 22, ran across a $500 Ericsson cell phone.
"We were sitting around smoking weed and scrolling down the list on Jimmy's phone, going, ‘Wow!'" Martin told the Page Two gossip column of the Palm Beach Post. He said he didn't call anyone but his friends might have crank-called former President Bill Clinton.
Other bigwig contacts on the phone included Al Gore, Jimmy Carter, Clint Black, George Strait, Alan Jackson, Cam'ron, George Clooney, Michael Douglas, Harrison Ford and Bill Gates.
Martin said a Buffett associate called the cell phone on May 30.
"He said I was a thief and a liar," Martin told the paper. "Then I called [Buffett's wife's] number and she was nasty to me. So I told them I wouldn't give it back."
Despite a $200 reward offer, the busboy still refused to turn over the phone. After Buffett called the restaurant, the owner fired Martin and police were called. Because the digitsof ex-presidents were on the phone, the Secret Service was brought in as well.
Martin finally turned over the phone but the memory card was missing. According to a police report, the busboy told a witness he planned to sell the SIM card to the National Enquirer. However, Buffett told the Post it's pretty much OK as things stand.
"There wasn't much on [the chip]," the artist said. "Although, whoever had the phone may have called a couple of my contacts."
He didn't elaborate but said the phone's keypad was locked by password.
"Not true," the busboy responded. "I wonder if Jimmy really knows how these things work."

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Random Mix CD (for Steve Stelling)

Clarence 'Frogman' Henry - That's When I Guessed
Strapping Fieldhands - The Oath
W.A.S.P. - Tormenter
The Dirtbombs - Kiss Kiss Kiss
Sun City Girls - This Is My Name
Captain Beefheart & the Magic Band - Brickbats
Blind Lemon Jefferson - That Crawlin Baby Blues
Melvins - Flex With You (demo)
Erik B. & Rakim - I Know You Got Soul
Minutemen - There Ain't Shit On T.V. Tonight
Bill Withers - The Same Love That Made Me Laugh (has made me cry)
Killdozer - The Nobbies (A Sea Shanty)
Three Six Mafia - Let's Start A Riot
Califone - Dock Boggs
Edan - Rock and Roll
Clarence Carter - Too Weak to Fight
Jermain Tamraz - Title Unknown
The Replacements - Get Off the Phone
Annette Snell - Love Connection
Red Nichols Stompers - Where My Cot Where the Cot-cot-cotton Grows

If you would like your own custom-made, randomly-selected cd mix, send your name and address to sbsweaty at gmail dot com, buckaroo.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

You Got Nuts

You got nuts, man
I'll give you that much
Some kinda big balls you got
You talk to me like I'm some kinda chump
Owes you a favor?
Please
It ain't even like that

Oh, you got some cajones, cabron
This I can see
You must shoot a huge load the way you talk
You talk like you think you are EL Presidente
I've got news for you, you are not EL Presidente

I'm gonna go get a cup of coffee
You better not be here when I get back

What's Your Deal?

What is your deal? Exactly.
I can't figure it out
And I'm pretty smart
What is your deal, dude. Exactly.

You and me go back a ways
A long, long ways if you ask me
But you didn't ask me
And so here we are
What is your deal, dude? Exactly.

I've got five dollars
That's it
Five fucking dollars to my name
But I will give you my five dollars
If you just tell me what your deal is
Exactly

Friday, May 27, 2005

...




I Drank an Assload of Beer Last Night

I drank an assload of beer last night
A fuckin' assload
I had a real nice time and the beer tasted sweet
But damn if I didn't drink an assload of beer last night

I drank an assload of beer last night
But I made it to work on time
I get my shit done, son
No one gets put out 'cause of me
But damn if I didn't drink an assload of beer last night

I gotta tell you, those bartenders at Boomer's were fine
I don't know if they were Romanian or what
I know they got some mail order bride shit going on over there
Just like the Russians
I gotta check that shit out
But god damn if I didn't drink an assload of beer last night

I drank an assload of beer last night
It feels like someone opened up my skull and took a shit in it.
Then used my tongue to wipe
Fuckin' A, I drank an assload of beer last night

Tom Cruise Needs to Mind His Own Damn Business

Tom Cruise needs to mind his own damn business
Scientology? You gotta be kidding me
You're not real, man. No way
You gotta kiss your girl in front of millions
You ain't real man. Come on
She's half your age, Chief
Let it go

Yo, Top Gun
How you gonna be tellin' people how to live
What pills they need
How they should feel
You need to take that Scientology bullshit
And shove it up your Cocktail, bro
That was a bad movie, man
What's up with that

Step off, Bitch

Step off bitch
You ain't gotta be standin' that close to me
Step off bitch
Do I look like I need help?
Step off bitch
Why you sweatin' me like that?
Step off bitch
I'm bein' for real here, man,
you need to step the fuck off

I Heard Star Wars Sucks, Dude

I heard Star Wars sucks, dude
How come you tellin' me it's all that
I heard Hayden Christensen blows
How come you said he's good in that movie

Somethin' ain't right here
You been talkin' 'bout this Star Wars bullshit all week
My boy tells me it's just OK
Something ain't right
We need to talk, man

If I'm gonna drop some cash on this flick
We gotta get this shit straightened out

Thursday, May 12, 2005

5 Conspiracy Theories Debunked

JFK Assassination
John Kennedy was a huge heroin addict. The CIA knew this of course and took his ass out right before he was going on the nod in Houston or Dallas or wherever it was he got shot.

Moon Landing Faked
There is no moon, stupid

Alien Autopsy
Is real actually, but it was produced by aliens just to fuck with us

Earth Round
Yeah, like we wouldn't all just fall off.

American Idol Rigged
No shit it's rigged.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

More soon

Sorry about the lack of updates, we'll be more persistent here pretty soon. Like a few days, no more than a week or two.
In the meantime, you may want to check out this Bo Bice blog,this video of Buzz Osborne watching the White Sox / Mariners game, and this excellent tribute to Mother's Day.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Inappropriate, perhaps illegal...

...but kind of awesome.

Also, everyone knows about this by now, right?
Hopefully this news will be what it takes to put my man over the top.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Uh, oh.

Adjust the volume on your computer, grab a cold beverage, sit down and get ready. Your life is about to change forever.

Now, click here.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Chinese Pizza

One time in Michigan City, Indiana, a friend and I made a frozen pizza in a wok. Yes, we were wasted. No, it didn't work very well and yes, we ate it. I remember it being not too good. I wouldn't recommend doing this but a) the oven wasn't working and b) that was all there was to eat in the whole house and c) we were drunk and probably stoned.

Introducing "The Mike Dixon"

My signature sandwich, which I just invented just now consists of:
Two slices of hearty light rye bread (seeded),upon each of which is slathered a sensible amount of creamy peanut butter, with a small handful of Uncle Ray's Jalapeno Flavored Potato Chips between.
++
Try it out!

The Ironic Mustache of Wicker Park (A Poem)

I think I know how it started
Whilst shaving
Creative Facial Hair Games are over
The goatee must be gotten gone
But wait--
Wouldn't it be funny?
A Hitler 'stache? A Chaplin?
Why not leave the whole thing on?
Wouldn't that be funny?
What would people think?
They wouldn't know what to think
And that's how we'll fool them.

But what about the ladies?
Will they get it?
Do they want 1982 all over again?
All over them?
Perhaps they'll wonder, as the t-shirt advertises,
Are Mustache Rides really five cents?

And what about our history?
Our fathers have been wearing mustaches for decades if not centuries
Aren't we just becoming them?
Aren't we just becoming who we really are?
Grow that mustache young hipster
Defy convention by conforming to it
Be as punk as Selleck, as cool as Kotter
Be who you are. Be yourselves!

"Too much mustache in the monitor!" someone shouted to the bass player at the Hot Snakes show
How prescient was that? How right on?

Friday, April 15, 2005

3 quick reviews

Mark B. - Things Marb (Agent Records)
Even though this cd sounds like Pee Wee Herman singing for Dag Nasty (not much different from regular Dag Nasty - I never realized how similar Mssrs. Smalley and Ruebens sounded), and the lyrics are literally about the wonderfulness of a mall-punk life, I like it. Wait, I've revised my opinion slightly. Replace "Even though" with "Maybe because" and you can quote me on that.
-- Reviewer: mike owens (wichita falls,tx usa) - See all my reviews

Switchblade - Switchblade (Icarus Records / Trust No One Recordings)
"Scary" cover art, no song titles, and unintentionally hilarious lyrics printed on the cd case (ex: "Bring your needles and glasspipes for meditation in contempt / Stone yourself to heaven as another pitstop to Hell") made putting this one a dicey proposition, especially with all those unheard Cheap Trick bootlegs to listen to, but duty called. Not bad at all. I was expecting some pitiful nu-style-metal, but instead, Switchblade brings it heavy and droney with the mathematical, mostly instrumental spider-metal. Nice! Turns out they're from Sweden, which goes a long way toward explaining the lack of ironic b.s. posturing.
-- Rick Pencilman, Rock and Roll Dad

Underminded - Hail Unamerican! (Kung Fu Records)
Once again, I assumed when I shouldn't've, and made an ass out of u and me. I was expecting - I don't know, what I think Fall Out Boy and Taking Back Sunday and all that bullshit sounds like, even though I've never heard any of it. Instead I got whay Metallica should probably be doing these days. Which is what Metallic a used to do. Excellent, precision guided stop-start, boomboom, wheedley-wheedley feats of inhuman crunch and crush. The tunes are nice and short, and boy oh boy do these gents have the chops. My only complaint is that the singers throat-shredding howl sounds a little thin. Guys: promise me next album you'll put a little reverb on the vox. That'd be great.
-- S.B. Sweaty

Old-school file sharing!

The first three people to send email here with their name and address shall receive a free hour-long cd mix of songs selected at random the Reglar Wiglar Super Computer.

The tracklist might look something like this:
Slayer - Reborn
The Afrika Korps - (I Want You) Everyday
Ol’ Dirty Bastard - Cold Blooded
Naked Raygun - I Lie
Pussy Galore - Hang On
Lil’ Keke - Still Tippin’
Killdozer - Funk #49
Crooked Fingers - Sleep All Summer
Scientists - The Spin
The Jesus Lizard - Nub
Lamps - Hot Plate
The New Professionals - I Wish You the Best
Jack-O and the Tearjerkers - Ain’t Got No Money
A-Frames - Galena
Ooioo - Be Sure to Loop
The Woodrows - Chili Finger
Iron Knowledge - Show Stopper
Jodeci - Cry For You
Melvins - Pick It N Flick It
Smog - The Well
Diamond Head - Am I Evil?
Iron Maiden - The Trooper
Neu! - Im Gluck
Stains - Get Revenge
and so on for about an hour...

Come one, come all, man!

From our mailbag

Dear Reglar Wiglar,

Take your silver spoon, and dig your grave. Heartless challenge: pick your path and I’ll pray. Wake up in the morning, see your sunrise loves to go down. Lousy lovers, pick their prey but they never cry out loud.
Did she make you cry, make you break down, shatter your illusions of love? Is it over now? Do you know how to pick up the pieces and go home?
Rock on, ancient woman. Follow those who pale in your shadow. Rulers make bad lovers. You better put your kingdom up for sale
Did she make you cry, make you break down, shatter your illusions of love? Is it over now? Do you know how to pick up the pieces and go home?

Rock on,
Gold Dust Woman

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Mike Wing: crazy balls?

If anyone can verify certain claims stated on this web-page, we'd really appreciate it.

From the classifieds...

Internationally-distributed magazine seeks freelance writers. Perennially marginal publication, based in the midwest U.S.A., couldn't rub two nickels together, nevertheless has ambition to expand content, readership, advertising revenues, etc. Interviews with indie-rock bands (reality-based and otherwise), underground comics artists, "niche" fiction and "experimental" poetry are our stocks-in-trade, but we are desperate for new material. If you've got any better sense of what "the kids" are "into" these days, we beg you to share your information. Contributors are paid generously in the form of artistic freedom and satisfaction for accepted work, with bonus payment of punk cred upon publication. Interested parties should submit samples (pref. two long pieces and three short works), c.v. and contact info to the second stall from the back in the men's room at The Hidden Cove Lounge up on Lincoln. We're usually there on dollar draft night.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Waste more time on the internet!

Look:
Bill T. Miller has fresh pix of DMBQ (of which my favorite is this one)and a bunch of noise bands I've never heard of.
Dixon (no relation) has vintage snapshots of Scratch Acid, The Butthole Surfers,and The Dicks. Bonus: visual proof of a Dicks reunion that went down last month in Austin.
Murray Bowles saw Suicidal Tendencies, Fang,and Black Flag, at Berkeley Aquatic Park twenty two years ago, and today, you can see them there.
Tom Trocolli remembers D. Boon.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

The Hold Steady - Separation Sunday

The Hold Steady - Separation Sunday
A year ago, I was so sure no one would top it, I proclaimed The Hold Steady Almost Killed Me to be the best rock album of 2004. In a deliberate attempt to confuse me, Comets on Fire released the most rock album of the year, but I realized the difference and remained confident in my proclamation. The problem was that most of my friends were already tired of me trying to convince them of the genius of Sammy Hagar and Larry Norman, so my endorsement was often just met with raised eyebrows. It didn't help that the most accurate descriptions I could come up with ("they sound like Keith Morris and The Silver Bullet Band parodying Lou Reed's 'New York', but with tons of clever in-jokes") made me sound like an idiot. By now, though, alot of people have heard the record, so I feel somewhat vindicated.
The Hold Steady's new one is called Separation Sunday, and it expands the sound of the first, while staying true to the bands unique vision. The bar-band schlock is way less Beaver Brown and way more E-Street, and the classic rock riffing isn't so much a pastiche - now they manage some genuine invention. Main guy Craig Finn's lyrical onslaught of pop-culture riffing remains, but he's lightened the density and strenghtened his storytelling abilities. On the first number, "Hornets! Hornets!", he winds references to Powell Peralta, Nabakov, and Kate Bush, an ...Almost Killed Me lyric, a St. Paul, Minnesota geography lesson, and an insistent boogie-riff that's half-Rush, half-ZZ Top around the story of a late night hookup that probably shouldn't be happening. While guys like Broooce Springsteen have characters that let it rip on the open road, The Hold Steady's songs are populated by losers in night club parking lots, waiting for a ride to the party where they can get some free drugs. Throughout the album, close encounters with 'killer parties', a crazy drug-runner named Charlemagne and numerous conniving "little hoodrats" (maybe they look like cardinals? I don't know, I never went to church) are peppered with the language of the lapsed Catholic having second thoughts. Some end up bad, some not so bad. There but for the grace of...
-- Mickey Maracas
(here's an mp3 of 'Stevie Nix' by the Hold Steady)

The Priests - Tall Tales


The Priests - Tall Tales (Get Hip)
Totally competent and by-the-numbers. If someone (an alien? The Pope?) asked you what rock music sounded like, you could play them this. This would do. No doubt about that. The Priests have every stock move down pat and show professional courtesy by executing them at each and every exact moment listeners are accostomed to hearing them. They always stay inside the lines of their Seeds Coloring Book. Um.... it's like they've got one of those old-fashioned dance-step diagrams, but it says "garage rock" on top of it. How many more ways should I come up with to say "this is really generic and uninteresting"? The only thing less original and uninspired than The Priests music, is the lame 'Unleashed in the East' send-up on the back cover of their cd. Okay, I'm done.
-- Larry "Burger" King

Om - Variations on a Theme


Om - Variations on a Theme (Holy Mountain)
Truth in advertising, man. The titular ‘theme’ is a “Snowblind” riff played on a drum kit and Rickenbacker bass with the fuzz and volume dialed up to “bulldoze”. The two dudes from Sleep's "classic" line-up who aren’t in High on Fire keep it simple with a perfect single-mindedness which, over the course of just three tracks and a whopping forty-five minutes, hardly changes color, and never gets boring. The vocals are chanted and incanted and the lyrics about…. I dunno, something pseudo-mystical, I’m sure. But who listens to the lyrics for the words? Not me. I'm here for the music bro. Totally sublime. Record of the year? Maybe, my dude, maybe.
-- Snort Johannson

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

DMBQ - The Essential Sounds From The Far East.


DMBQ - The Essential Sounds From The Far East. (Estrus)
The "Dynomite Masters Blues Quartet"'s a great and nutty heavy psychedelic demolition team from Japan. To my ears, they do a more tightly composed, though no more "in control" sounding, take on whatever it is that Comets on Fire are supposed to be doing. The berzerkest moments of early (but not Rod Evans-early (if you know what I mean)) Deep Purple could be a useful reference point for where these three gents and one lady lift off from. Whew, the sheer gonzo-ness of the band's attack - wild riffs, wandering fuzz bass, wailing he-man vox, and drums that may be operated by an unusually limber octopus - is just alot of fun to listen to. The musical action doesn't barrel forward so much as float above the ground erratically like a hot-air balloon that's lost its captain overboard. While a band this great and uncategorizable may seem a little out of place on the Estrus label, I'm not going to complain or hold it against anybody. More people should make records like this.
-- Country Joe McDonald's

Monday, April 04, 2005

Minimal review upload


Mahjongg - Raydoncong (Cold Crush Records)
The American Boredoms? Their thank you list includes Don Bolles, 'Hot' Doug Sohn, and Tux Dog? They mold complete and utter nonsense into the approximate shapes of Led Zeppelin (to use one example) and Third World (to use another) by sheer force of will? Yes, yes, and yes. And much more. 2005 sure is a much better year for albums so far than a person in my situation has any business knowing. And this here Mahjongg item is another black mark on my permanent record.
-- Fats Domino's

What would you ask King Buzzo?

If you had the chance to talk to The Melvins what would you ask them? Let the Reglar Wiglar know.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Friday, April 01, 2005

Dunc the Punk's Record Reviews!!!

A Faith Called Chaos
Forgive Nothing (Volcom)
The drummer in Dunc's band 'Shit The Bed' is nicknamed Chaos because he's a no-talent shit sack who can't keep time. Dunc only keeps him around because he owns a working slice. Amazingly, these metal no-marks are so bad they make him look like a fucking rock god. Unforgivably wank.

A Perfect Murder
Unbroken (Victory)
Dunc has always thought that hypnotizing someone into topping themselves would be a perfect murder. Although for it to be truly perfect, it'd be best not to reveal the plan in a world-renowned music publication. No problem mentioning it here then.

Cast Aside
The Struggle (Death Wish Inc.)
Dunc's pot and pan Ray always used to say 'if you can't say something nasty, don't say anything at all'. So Dunc will cast this record aside without further comment and head down to his local battle.

Kill Verona
Trauma (Livewire Records)
Dunc would rather catch knobrot off a soap-dodging slapper than sit through another emo album ever again. So, the fact that Dunc had to listen to this record after getting the bad news from the doc was a particularly cruel slice of Donald Duck. Traumatic indeed.

Motion Picture Demise
Rebuild/Reform (Orange Peel)
Dunc's favourite movie death is in 'Wanted: Dead or Alive', where Rutger Hauer shoves a grenade in Gene Simmons' North n South, and pulls the pin. This troop of sod apes are so bad, they deserve at least 5 grenades each, and maybe some dynamite up the ringpiece for good measure.

North Side Kings
Organizing Our Neighborhood (Thorp)
This lot obviously think they are hard as monkeys. Well, if they think that they have a chance of organizing Dunc's neighbourhood, they'll have to take on the Inter City Firm, and that ain't gonna be pretty. Better watch your Fleetwoods North Side Queens.

Paulson
Variations (Initial)
The cover of this record has a naked bint wrapped in cling film on it. Which reminds Dunc of a website he stumbled across while trying to download the latest Abi Titmuss home movie. In it, some bacardi, who is clearly Patrick Swayze, writes stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped in cling-film (www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/karl.htm). Fuck knows why, but it's infinitely more interesting that listening to
these indie cock socks.

Razorlight
Up All Night (Universal)
Up All Night? Sounds like a Viagra ad campaign slogan or something. You'd need it too, if you wanted to come anywhere close to getting a lob on for these limp-dick Jam rip-off merchants. Razorlight? Razor shite, more like.

Straylight Run
s/t (Victory)
This record is so fucking bland you'd expect to hear it on one of those poxy shows on the KY Jelly where nancy boys over-intellectualize every fucking aspect of their lives in the hopes they might get to cop a feel of a set of carpets. With song titles like 'Existentialism on Prom Night' you won't need Dunc to tell you what tremendous cunts they are, but he will anyway: Cunts!

This Providence
Our World's Divorce (Rocketstar Recordings)
Don't get Dunc startedd on his divorce. The scabby old tart runs off with her boss and then expects to get half of Dunc's crosby. Just Dunc's luck that he ends up with a female garden gate, who buys into the argument that pressuring your missus into wife-swapping somehow constitutes emotional distress.

Reglar Wiglar Guide To Chitty Chitty
Chitty Chitty (Bang Bang) = Cockney Rhyming Slang
Slice (Pan) = Van
Pot and Pan = Old Man, Father
Battle (Cruiser) = Boozer, Pub
Donald Duck = Luck
North n South = Mouth
Monkey's (Tails) = Nails
Fleetwood (Mac) = Back
Bacardi Breezer = Geezer
Patrick Swayze = Crazy
KY Jelly = Telly, TV
Carpets (and Rugs) = Jugs, Tits
Crosby (Stills & Nash) = Cash
Garden Gate = Magistrate, Judge

Minor zine review upload

The Mig
Long-time listeners of Tom Scharpling's 'Best Show on WFMU' ought to know frequent caller and occasional in-studio guest Petey by now, and those who don't (listen or know)... I pity you. For those in the know, there's The Mig. A monthly one-page newsletter, lovingly cobbled together by Petey himself, and printed up on his dad's color bubble-jet printer. Fascinating infos on Zen Buddhism, trancendental art, 'Up With People' quotes, what's happening in gym class, and many more vicarious thrills are yours free of charge when you enter the world of America's only cool teenager. Go to www.suburbanalcuts.com/mig.html to sign up for a subscription.


200 Lb. Underground #4

Apparently returning after a long absence at the urging of Ben Chasny, this hot little 8-page, color xeroxed number is something else you should probably have. A good read, even if the coverage is outrageously obscure: the only names I was familiar with in the review section were Terry Reid, Mike Fellows and The Chiefs. A few pages of defiantly unalphabetized record reviews and a Magick Markers tour diary are sanwiched between a brief intro and a VERY tough 'Hardcore Trivia' contest (ex: "What member did Mutha recording artits FATAL RAGE and CHILD ABUSE share?"; "What Detroit club had the well known peep holes where Tesco Vee and other 'perverts' leered at ladies going wee-wee?"; "BONUS QUESTION - Why are TSOL so lame"). A true bad-ass, Tony doesn't have a web site, but he only wants a buck for the zine. Email him at trettman at hotmail.com to find out where to send it. It's hard to say if and when he'll get around to doing another issue, but 'til then, I'll be keeping my copy of this one safe - tucked between the last page and back cover of my copy of Forced Exposure #18.

For the Clerisy #s 55-59
While I'm totally 'down' with their 'mission', The Believer looks and feels more like a literary zine published by The Gap every time I see it. For the Clerisy, though, is more in line with my aesthetic: cut, pasted, photo-copied, and stapled. Compared to it's Dave Eggers-aligned spiritual cousin, it offers omnivorous readers-for-pleasure a more compact, less grad-school alternative. Each month, Brant K. spins out a roughly-themed 20 pages of encapsulated commentary on books, movies, zines, and eyeglass fetishism. (order it from: Brant Kresovich, P.O. Box 404, Getzville NY 14068-0404 / trade or $2 per issue)

Crippled by Depression #2: Why Don't Nobody Love Me?
by Adam Beebe-Infanticide
I'm sure there are dozens upon dozens of "skinny-ass honky-nerd man-child"s trawling for dates on Craig's List any given week. This one dude, though has done so and published his ads along with the subsequent convos with interested and uninterested parties alike. It's probably about as interesting as 50 pages of bored peoples email can be.
($5 ppd / Mishap Productions 846 Pine Flat rd. Santa Cruz, CA 95060 usa)

-- Mike Dixon

Monday, March 28, 2005

Another record review

Robert Pollard - Relaxation of the Asshole (Yuk Yuk Motherfucker Productions)


It was perhaps inevitable, given the “what the fuck” nature of his release schedule, but Robert Pollard’s first official post-Guided By Voices release is, get this, a COMEDY ALBUM. Technically speaking, it’s actually “just” a compilation of drunken GBV stage banter by the most tediously prolific artist in the history of rock. Taken as a whole, it paints a fascinating picture of a man who started smoking at the age of 35.

A few of the many, many highlights:

“Hey, did the Who play here? Did Meat Loaf play here? Did Joe Cocker play here? Did Cocker, Meat Loaf and Daltrey play here?”

“We like to keep a cooler of beer on stage because we’re hopeless pathetic alcoholics. But we say ‘fuck you’. Anybody who says we have a drinking problem, we say ‘fuck you’. I said it to my mom.”

“Let me get a cigarette. Jesus Christ.”

“Rolling Stone sucks! They can blow me forever! I tell you what, they’ve got the Top 100 Living Guitar Players in the Rock and Roll and they’ve got Joan Jett, and they’ve got both guitar players from Radiohead. What? Those motherfuckers have never played a good fucking riff in their life!”

“I’m 44 fucking years old, and I’ve got a small dick anyway, but how the fuck does the guy from the Counting Crows get to fuck all the girls from ‘Friends’. He’s an ugly motherfucker, he’s fatter than me… What’s he got?!!! Money. Money. I’ve got some fucking money, goddamit.”

“When you play big clubs like this, you’ve got to say ‘Thank you’ louder. Like this: THANK YOU!”

And so on…

-- Jesus Atkins

UPDATE!: Here's an mp3 of "They May Look Good, But They Ain't Good"

Our blog is okay, but we'd rather be reading

TONYIZE
My Life Hugging Trees
For Shizzle My Pirate Nizzle
The AVCABL-OG
Agony Shorthand
Lexicon Devil
The Ass Chronicles
Mostly I looked out the window
and of course, Eschaton.

-- Dr. Harvey Karp

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Recent ebay activity!


Sold in the past 60 days:

Teach Yourself Rock Piano
(book) - $2.00
You Don't Have To Fuck People Over To Survive by Seth Tobocman (book)- $10.00
Edward Rusha: Paintings (book)- $9.00
Viva Las Vegas (vhs) - $6.02
Tears of the Sun (dvd) - $5.50
Contortions - Buy (record) - $16.50
The Flaming Lips - Hear It Is (record) - $21.61
Antioch Arrow - Gems of Massochism (record) - $10.00
The Flesh Eaters - Dragstrip Riot (record) - $8.00

Bought in the past 60 days:
Small Faces - Playmates (record) - $.99
Randy California - Kaptain Kopter featuring the Fabulous Twirly Birds (record) - $1.29
Ameda Purely Yours Breast Pump - $154.99

--Dixon

Friday, March 25, 2005

A blog of our own

I've been waiting a good long while to get my hands on a blog and now, thanks to Oliver Trask --or was it Soggy Sprinkles?--anyway, doesn't matter, here 'tis. If you are unfamiliar with the print version of the Reglar Wiglar or unfamiliar with our "web presence" at www.reglarwiglar.com, we are a long-running humor/music magazine out of Chicago, Illinois. For twelve years the Reglar Wiglar has existed as an alternative to even the alternative music magazines, providing you with honest, stupid, sometimes informed, sometimes uninformed opinions about the latest records, zines, and comics as well as a wealth of less than insightful interviews about the artists who create the previously alluded to works, in addition to a plethora of run-on sentences.

I know staff ne'er-d0-well Joey Germ is chomping at the bit to get his two cents in (which is twice as much as he's worth) so I will give him that opportunity now by shutting my mouth.

Piece

From the classifieds...



Desperately seeking Herman Rarebell! Local Scorpions tribute act is in search of a drummer. Qualified candidates should have weekends free, own a pro-quality kit (minimum 15 pieces), working knowledge of the albums Lovedrive, Animal Magnetism, Virgin Killers and Best of Rockers and Ballads, be rumored to have a 14-inch penis, and be ready to rock. Interested? Call Rick at 630-xxx-xxxx.

2 Records Reviewed: Black Mountain and BBQ

Black Mountain
Black Mountain (Jagujaguwar)

Black Mountain manages a pretty boss update of late 60s, early 70s-non-metal heavy-ish rock that refreshingly steers clear of the slavish genre retread, pointlessly forceful “rock” moves and tedious nyuk-nyuk pseudo-pomo ironic posturing that tends to doom most projects of this sort to minimum relevance and maximum suckitude. They explore a healthy variety of sounds and moods, without ever straining to be, y’know, eclectic. They stick mostly within the framework of the probabilities of an imagined gospel- (rather than blues-) informed Crazy Horse Tonight’s The Night / Zeppelin III (and a little ‘Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun’ tossed in for snicks) melange and the resultant tunage is very easy on the ears. Black Mountain‘s a very good front-to-back album, with but one possible drawback: some of the songs are a bit draggy , and most of the ‘grabbers’ are on what I guess would be side one of the vinyl edition. But then again, they’re authentically draggy. And who am I to come to this conclusion after, what, two-three listens? How long did it take me to get hip to Forever Changes, for instance?—JD Guckert

BBQ 
Tie Your Noose (Bomp!)

Eh, I don’t really need this in my life. I guess a one-man band who sounds pretty much like the Crickets as portrayed in The Buddy Holly Story is impressive on a purely academic level. Lacking that knowledge, though, I’m not impressed in any visceral sense by the air moving in front of my speakers. It sounds like this guy is just too good at what he does. One-man-band-ism if it’s about anything, should convey some sense of physical challenge, and this here don’t do that. Plus, the songs are boring and I’m listening to it on a gol-dang laptop, which doesn’t do anybody any good, either—Oliver Trask


Always read Reglar Wiglar!

If there's such a thing as an anti-climatic beginning...

...this could be it.

This shall be the spot for up to the minute news, reviews, and bellyaching from the generally-pseudonominous Reglar Wiglar staff.

At some point, readers of this site will be able to post cheers and jeers in the forum of a comment box appended to each and every blog entry.

I'm sure it's going to be a lot of fun or something.

--Malcom Tent