Friday, December 23, 2005

Happy Holidays from the Reglar Wiglar staff!


(l-r; Joey T. Germ, P.C. Jones, Muggsy McMurphy, Irresistible Frank, P.C. Jones, Tim Davison, Malcolm Tent)

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Did You Know . . .

By the year 2045 two-thirds of the U.S. population will have been a roommate on MTV's the Real World?*

*source T.J. Honeyfinkle's Almanac of Interesting Facts, 9th Edition

Monday, December 12, 2005

War on Christmas = ON!

Sam Seder throws down the gauntlet.

Listen, as far as the war on Christmas goes, I feel like we should be waging a war on Christmas. I mean, I believe that Christmas, it's almost proven that Christmas has nuclear weapons, can be an imminent threat to this country, that they have operative ties with terrorists and I believe that we should sacrifice thousands of American lives in pursuit of this war on Christmas. And hundreds of billions of dollars of taxpayer money. ...I'd like to get back to the operational ties between Santa Claus and al Qaeda... We have intelligence, we have intelligence...we have tortured an elf and it's actually how we got the same information from Al Libbi. It's exactly the same way the Bush administration got this info about the operational ties between al Qaeda and Saddam....Don't cut and run from the War on Christmas!

UPDATE:
This just in: http://war-on-christmas.blogspot.com/I’m starting a new War on Christmas. This one requires that all Christians boycott all Christmas shopping and use the money instead to support their church, Christian missionary group, or Christian charity.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Holiday gift ideas!


This Spin Stops Here briefcase is 100% Made in USA from tough, water resistant 600 denier nylon. It has a large main pocket along with an accessory pocket and a "clamshell" opening section to conveniently carry all your necessities for work or play.
Its handles are poly-wrapped and it includes a detachable, padded shoulder strap, too.
Best of all this unique, Made in the USA bag has a big "Spin Stops Here!" logo composed of over 13,000 embroidered stitches.



These high quality chrome-plated license plate frames are embossed with "God Bless America" on the top and "No Spin" with flag on the bottom.
Put one on your car and everyone on the road will know that you're a Factor fan.
***These license plate frames are made to fit license plates in all the U.S. states. However, certain states prohibit the covering of any plate information and may impose fines for violation. BillOReilly.com can not be held responsible for your state's license plate requirements. Please check with your state's Department of Motor Vehicles for details before purchasing. In particular, Texas has certain laws that may or may not allow this license plate frame to be used.



The mug Bill calls "The Best Mug in the World!" Our mugs are all custom made in the USA for Bill, and will hold almost 16 ounces of your morning coffee. Our logo is printed on both sides of the mug, so left or right handed, coming or going, out on a table or up on a shelf... it will always be on display! This mug is available in navy or white, and is dishwasher and microwave safe.



Full color 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle featuring Bill at work in the O'Reilly Factor studio. A website exclusive.
Be the first in your village to own the exclusive Bill O'Reilly Jigsaw Puzzle.


The No Spin pipe is an offspring of the vaporiser family, easy to use and will really get you "in the 'Zone'". Just put your favorite smoking blend in the bowl (make sure it's very fine and MADE IN THE U.S.A.) and heat the bottom of the bowl until a fine steam starts.
You can now start smoking as with a traditional pipe, while you watch your favorite tv show!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Why I'm Fighting Against Christmas

You are very clever Mr. O'Reilly, you have finally figured it out. Christmas is indeed under seige. For you see, sir, I am one of those warriors fighting against the Christmas holiday. You may be curious as to why I would dedicate my life to this cause. I will tell you. It all started when I was a child and I asked Santa Claus for a Star Wars Millenium Falcon for Christmas. On Christmas morning 1978, I was DENIED that request with NO EXPLANATION! I was confused. I didn't understand. I had been a good boy ALL YEAR LONG and I DESERVED Han Solo's flying vessel. I knew kids at school who already owned the piece de resistance of the entire rebel fleet and I was as deserving as any of them of such a treasure. I asked my parents why Santa would be so cruel to such a good little boy. "It isn't fair," I cried. "Life isn't fair," was their only reply.

From that day forward I have been a warrior in the trenches of the WAR ON CHRISTMAS and let me tell you one thing, Bill O'Reilly and John Gibson and Sean Hannity, WE WILL WIN because we will NEVER SURRENDER! We want this victory more than all the Millenium Falcons and Landspeeders in the world and WE WILL NOT BE DENIED!!!!

George W. Bush hates Christmas

"It bothers me that the White House card leaves off any reference to Jesus, while we've got Ramadan celebrations in the White House... What's going on there?"

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Birds in Albany Park are Sloppy, Fat & Out of Control

There I said it. Now all you bird lovers can go ahead and persecute me. I don't care. The truth is that I have been feeding these ingrates for a month and all they do is shit on my porch. They're already so fat they can barely fly and they somehow managed to get the top off the bird feeder which was empty anyway, but they couldn't figure that out because they're also stupid.

I'm sticking with the squirrels from now on.

The Dictionary According to Rumsfeld

One would think that the man who never sits would have enough to occupy his time without inventing new phrases for things that don't quite go as planned. The man who reintroduced the word "slog" into our lexicon and who popularized the technique of self interrogation, had a brainstorm this past weekend, probably after feeling the effects of a turkey-fueled, tryptopane-induced stupor (Do I need more stuffing? No. Do I want more stuffing? Yes. Am I going to have more stuffing? Absolutely.)

Not satisfied with his failed attempt to transform the War on Terror into the absurdly long, "global struggle against violent extremism" (yeah, give Bush more words to misremember), Rummy would now prefer it if we would all please call the "insurgents" in Iraq, "enemies of the legitimate Iraqi government" (gotta throw 'legitimate" in there because saying it makes it so. It also makes it clunkier, and more awkward thus guaranteeing that no one will use it).

Rumsfeld argues that calling these Iraqis (formerly known as insurgents), "enemies of the legitimate Iraqi government" (whew) gives them "more legitimacy than they seem to merit." I guess the logic being that calling something by a different name will eliminate the problem and thus end the insurgency just like how Fox News ended "suicide bombings" by renaming them "homicide bombings."

Of course, this turning out of phrases means that we can't call it an insurgency anymore. Is it a beef? No, that's too East Coast/West Coast gangsta'. Is it a gripe? No, still sounds too legit. Shit. Well, whatever it was called it's called something else now. It's still a long, hard slog though.

Ideas for Soft Targets album titles

Will The Real Soft Targets Please Stand Up?
Soft Targets Get Bombed
There Are But One Soft Targets
Hardly Workin'

Thursday, November 24, 2005

T-Day, amen.

Thanksgiving Day, Nov. 28, 1986
by William S. Burroughs
For John Dillinger
In hope he is still alive


Thanks for the wild turkey and the Passenger Pigeons, destined to be shit out through wholesome American guts --

thanks for a Continent to despoil and poison --

thanks for Indians to provide a modicum of challenge and danger --

thanks for vast herds of bison to kill and skin, leaving the carcass to rot --

thanks for bounties on wolves and coyotes --

thanks for the AMERICAN DREAM to vulgarize and falsify until the bare lies shine through --

thanks for the KKK, for nigger-killing lawmen feeling their notches, for decent church-going women with their mean, pinched, bitter, evil faces --

thanks for "Kill a Queer for Christ" stickers --

thanks for laboratory AIDS --

thanks for Prohibition and the War Against Drugs --

thanks for a country where nobody is allowed to mind his own business --

thanks for a nation of finks -- yes,

thanks for all the memories... all right, let's see your arms... you always were a headache and you always were a bore --

thanks for the last and greatest betrayal of the last and greatest of human dreams.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Ode To A Nugget (An Ode)

A classical Greek poem modeled on the choric ode and usually having a three-part stucture consisting of a strophe, an antistrophe, and an epode.

strophe

crispy and golden

antistrophe

processed chicken meat

epode

a delicious snack

Ode To A Nugget (A Haiku Poem)

crispy and golden
processed chicken meat
a delicious snack

(I'm a poet and I am aware of it)

Monday, October 31, 2005

Something you should know

Under the Sedition Act, anyone "opposing or resisting any law of the United States, or any act of the President of the United States" could be imprisoned for up to two years. It was also illegal to "write, print, utter, or publish" anything that criticized the president or Congress. It was notable that the Act did not prohibit criticism of the Vice-president.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Da White Sax


Dere, I gave praps. Now less go Bearss. We got win number tree lass week. Lookin' for win number four dis Sunday.

Go Bearss!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Mike Wing's brother Chris

Browsing allmusic.com this morning, we came across this interesting version of the New Rob Robbies saga:

Biography
by Mike DaRonco

The breakup of the Bowling Green, OH-based Dutch Crumbs, the Blank Schatz, and Sheepish Grin would eventually result in the 1993 formation of the New Rob Robbies. Originally consisting of George Kraynak (vocals), Robbie Butler (drums), Paul Johnson (guitar), and Mike Wing (bass), the quartet relocated to Chicago and released their debut EP in 1994 as a split with Vambo Marble Eye. 

With their power pop inspirations of Hüsker Dü and the Replacements, the New Rob Robbies released their first full-length, Just Add Butter...Wilson's Revenge, in 1996. Mike's brother Chris Wing took over on bass before the band signed to Owned and Operated Records. Their second album, Pure Whore, soon followed in 1999.

Friday, October 14, 2005

It's A Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush World

The President’s Totally Unscripted, Off-the-Cuff Q&A Session with US Troops in Iraq via Video Teleconference

THE PRESIDENT: Captain Kennedy.

CAPTAIN KENNEDY: Yes, Mr. President.

THE PRESIDENT: It’s good to see you. Thanks for taking the time out of our fight for freedom to answer a few of my questions. I know you guys are gonna give me the honest truth from a soldier’s gut. I want it straight. Don’t pull any punches. Our march towards freedom is too important.
But first, I want to thank the members of the 42nd Infantry Division and Task Force Liberty for doing their part in bringing freedom to the Iraqi people. I thank you. America thanks you.

We are facing an enemy that hates freedom. They are ruthless and cold-blooded and they hate freedom. That is opposite of what we stand for. We love freedom. We stand for freedom. We’re all about freedom. I mean, heh, I love freedom so much it scares me sometimes.
So, tell me, honestly, how is the freedom going over there?

CAPTAIN KENNEDY: I’m going to throw this question to Captain Pratt, sir?

THE PRESIDENT: Didn’t mean to throw you a curveball there, Captain.

CAPTAIN PRATT: Sir, the freedom is progressing smoothly. Lots of freedom on the horizon for the Iraqis sir,

THE PRESIDENT: Give me the truth, Captain, I can take it.

CAPTAIN PRATT: Straight up, Mr. President. Things could absolutely not be better in any possible, conceivable way.

THE PRESIDENT: Ok, well, heh, heh, well, what if we sent that Jessica Simpson over there to do a little concert for you all, would that make it better?

CAPTAIN PRATT: Well, Sir, yes that would make it better, but other than the possible exception of a Jessica Simpson concert, things could not be better.

CAPTAIN SMITH: Mr. President, good morning. I’m Captain Smith. I’ve been training the Iraqi Army, Sir, and I can assure you that the Iraqi Army is ready, capable and eager to begin their fight for freedom, Sir.

THE PRESIDENT: That’s good. So how is the ahh, what is it called—the thing with the ballots—the vote—how is the vote that’s coming up in about 40 hours, or around 48 hours from now. The freedom vote, how’s that going?

CAPTAIN SMITH: Great sir, the preparations for voting have gone off without a hitch. Everything is pretty much going exactly according to plan, Sir.

THE PRESIDENT: That’s good. So, let me ask you, off the top of my head here, heh, heh, you’ve had a chance to interface with the regular Iraqi folk, how do they feel about our presence there and our mission to bring them freedom? Do they love freedom yet? They gotta be lovin’ the freedom by now, I would think.

CAPTAIN SMITH: I’m going to field that one as well, Sir.

THE PRESIDENT: You’re a smart fella’, Captain, heh, heh. Isn’t he smart?

CAPTAIN SMITH: Thank you, Sir. The short answer to your question is that the Iraqis love us, they love freedom, and they are totally down with the march towards freedom and all the great things that go with it, and with the exception of the freedom haters, that is an indisputable fact, Sir.

THE PRESIDENT: That’s good. Hold on a second there, Captain, my microphone thingy keeps poppin’ out of my ear, heh, heh. That’s better. So it’s going good then?

CAPTAIN SMITH: It’s all good, Sir.

THE PRESIDENT: But it hasn’t been easy.

CAPTAIN SMITH: No Sir, it hasn’t been easy.

THE PRESIDENT: In fact, it’s been a little hard at times.

CAPTAIN SMITH: At times, yes.

THE PRESIDENT: But it’s all good now?

CAPTAIN SMITH: Yes, Sir.

THE PRESIDENT: Whose that little combat lady next to you?

SERGEANT JONES: Sergeant Jones, Sir.

THE PRESIDENT: Hello Sergeant. You look familiar, have you been a prop before—I mean have I seen you around before?

SERGEANT JONES: I believe I was at Ground Zero in New York when you came there, Sir.

THE PRESIDENT: I knew you looked familiar. That is some kinda coincidence right there.

SERGEANT JONES: It is pretty freaky, Sir. I would just like to tell you that my own personal observation of the troop morale, the Iraqi Army capabilities, the desire of the Iraqis for freedom, and the overall march towards freedom in general, are going great. You’re doing a terrific job, we’re doing a terrific job, the Iraqis are doing a terrific job.

THE PRESIDENT: How ‘bout Brownie, is Brownie doing a terrific job? Heh, heh, That was a joke Sergeant.

SERGEANT JONES: It was very funny, Sir.

CAPTAIN KENNEDY: Sir, Sergeant Akeel from the Iraqi Army would like to say something to you.

THE PRESIDENT: Good, let’s hear him.

SERGEANT AKEEL: I like you, Mr. President. (laughter)

THE PRESIDENT: Well ok, then.

SERGEANT AKEEL: Thank you.

THE PRESIDENT: Ok. Thank you fine men and women. It has been an honor. I wish I could be there in Tikrit with you, just hanging out, clearing the brush. Maybe someday I’ll get there. Maybe not yet, even though it is completely secure and would be perfectly safe for me or Jessica Simpson to do so.

I just want to tell you that even if things weren’t going well, which they obviously are, as you told me yourselves in this unscripted Q & A, but even if they weren’t going well, we would never give up. We would never give in until we had achieved absolute victory over the freedom haters. And if you ever happen to find yourself in the White House Oval Office some day, don’t be afraid to say hello.

Thank you all.

World Famous Record Reviews

Some Record Reviews from Reglar Wiglar #21 for you to enjoy until the Website goes back up, hopefully, tomorrow

A18
Dear Furious (Victory)
www.victoryrecords.com
Would someone kindly, please tell me just what the FUCK everybody is so angry about? For Christ's sake, people, lighten up. A18 is a SoCal hardcore/metal band that's been growling around the scene for about a half dozen years or so. Heavier than some, angrier than most. Don't worry. No new ground was broken in the making of this record-Irresistible Frank

THE BRIEFS
Sex Objects (BYO) www.byorecords.com
Love it. Love. It. The Breifs are a living, breathing homage to the best punk rock of the 70s and somehow they do it without sounding cliched, out dated or too terribly derivitave. A welcome blast from the past that's planted firmly right here in the present. IF you have one Good Charlotte CD in your collection you should buy three copies of Sex Objects to get your punk rock karma back on track . . . and so you won't burn in hell-Irresistible Frank

THE GAMITS
Antidote (Suburban Home)
www.suburbanhomerecords.com
The Gamits kinda float to the top of the bowl in the power pop/punk genre in my esteemed and much sought after opinion. It's got some catchy hooks and singer Chris Fogel doesn't milk the whine so much. Not like some of these guys, know what I'm sayin'? Antidote starts off with the "Dotted Lines," a high note not duplicated on the rest of the album, although some moments come close. "Golden Sometimes" being an example-PC Jones

A Haiku Review
ENGINE DOWN
Engine Down (Lookout!)

Emotional rock
fighting angst and ennui
living is hard, no?

TED LEO & THE PHARMACISTS
Shake the Sheets (Lookout!)
www.lookoutrecords.com
An accomplished guitar player in his own right and a literate lyricist, Ted Leo and his RX buddies, create a sound not unlike his predecessors, Elvis Costello and Joe Jackson, and others in the angry young man, singer/songwriter category. Perhaps angry is a bit overstated. More like disappointed. Disappointment in people or things (or governments maybe?) that don't live up to their own high expectations can lead to anger, which can in turn lead to such cathartic measures as Shake the Sheets -Jayne Wayne

THE UGLY BEATS!
Bring on the Beats! (Get Hip)
www.gethip.com
Nobody understands my pain. Maybe God does, but he lives way up in space and is therefore removed from my mortal sufferings. But maybe, maybe The Ugly Beats! understand my pain. They certainly sound like the do-Irresistible Frank

Theodore Roosevelt Heller, R.I.P.

Theodore Roosevelt Heller, 88, loving father of Charles (Joann) Heller; dear brother of the late Sonya (the late Jack) Steinberg. Ted was discharged from the U.S. Army during WWII due to service related injuries, and then forced his way back into the Illinois National Guard insisting no one tells him when to serve his country. Graveside services Tuesday 11 a.m. at Waldheim Jewish Cemetery (Ziditshover section), 1700 S. Harlem Ave., Chicago. In lieu of flowers, please send acerbic letters to Republicans.

Published in the Chicago Tribune on 10/10/2005.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Half the story

At this exact moment, I'm parked at my work station, listening to last night's Best Show, enjoying a fresh "Mike Dixon", contemplating abondoning my effort to finish Neuromancer in favor of starting Good As Gold, and perusing the electronically-encoded B.S. "here" on this web-site (presently the sole official internet source for the Reglar Wiglar's trademark humor-simulations).
We've presented some funny and even more not-really-funny stuff over the past eight months, but it's occurred to me that if anyone's checking in with any regularity (if there's any way to keep track of the hits on this page, we haven't figured it out yet), they may only be getting HALF THE STORY. At the bottom of each and every delicious blog entry, there is a link to a comments section, where readers are encouraged to contribute their own 2 cents.
For instance, you may have missed the opportunity to weigh in on the spirited debate over whether or not snack chips belong on sandwiches; or to suggest a question for Buzz Osborne to ingnore; or maybe you've got a Jimmy Buffet prank call fantasy you'd like to share; or maybe you just want to insult the author, insulated by the anonymity that emboldens you and so many of your fellow internet cowards. Seriously, we love our readers, won't you consider giving some of it back, or at least throw it back in our stupid faces once in a while?
--J.D. Fortune

Monday, October 10, 2005

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Healthy Hint #1 from Toby Woodrow

Toby Woodrow says:

Instead of reaching for the syringe and shooting that bag of heroin, try eating a juicy red apple instead!

10 Most Awesomely Great New VH1 Shows!

You won't believe the new batch of shows VH1 has cooked up for viewers this Fall. Check it out!

1) Baddest '80s Hotties

2) America's Next Washed Up Has Beens and Never Was Gonna Be's

3) Hollywood's Skankiest Babes

4) 100 Most Awesome-ist Cheesy So-Bad-They're-Good Power Ballads

5) Unfunny D-List Celebrity "Commedians" Remember Insignificant Moments in Pop Culture History Like They Happened Yesterday

6) The Not So Fabulous Life of Fluffers

7) Rolling Stone Magazine's Rob Sheffield's Most Cringe-Inducing, Unfunny Comments About Celebrities He Probably Would Kill to Have Sex With

8) Remember Slinkies? Slinkies Were Cool--Hosted by Henry Rollins

9) I Love the 20s!

10) 100 Most Outrageous Moments We Couldn't Get Permission to Show (Even Though Viacom Owns Everything) But We Have Some Stock Footage of Other Stuff, So Watch That While We Talk About What We Can't Show You

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Next Question (Dedicated to D. Rumsfeld)

That is a two-pronged assessment. Or I should say, a two part to a two prong assesment. A four part, two pronged assessment or scenario. And the answer depends on several different variables, all of which, at this present time, are unknowns. In the first scenario you have a certain set of variables, in the second scenario you also have a certain set of variables. When you combine the two varbiables, invariably you will have a situation where, at best, there is no precise answer. However, the set of circumstances in which these variables co-exist changes continously, so much so in fact, that the situation on the ground isn't necesarily the same as what we would like it to be. But the probable set of circumstances, as we know them to be--and this is important--is that we can not possibly know every possible part of every possible prong in any given known or unknown situation or scenario. The variables prove this to be true, as far as we know, and like I just explained, we can't possibley know. Next question.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Garage Sale Saturday

Multi-Family Garage Sale Saturday!!!

Stained stuff! Broke stuff! Out-of-fashion clothes!
Useless bullshit, crap and tons of total junk!
Stuff you don't need! Stuff we don't want!

So come on by and give us money and take away
some of our totally worthless bullshit.

No early birds. Eary birds get shot at.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Restaurant Reviews

Al Chapara's (or whatever the hell it's called).
State and Dearborn


Even a framed Urlacher print couldn't save this place from biting it. I can see why Mike Ditka and Michael Jordon would use their first and last name in the title of their restaurant; their names are the selling point but who the hell is Al Chapara? I don't even think I got the name right and I just spent an hour there.

CUISINE:

I had the portabello mushroom sandwich. Tmuch mushroom. Like all normal people I like mushrooms but this was way out of proportion to the bread and lettuce leaf it was sandwiched between. Inconsistent toasting of the bread too. I don't like different sections of my bread to be in different stages of toastedness. I prefer a nice even toasting. Very inconsistent french fries as well. I noticed from glancing at my fellow Clubbers fries that they all varied in doneness, mine being a little less done than most which made them flaccid as well as greasy. No pickle? That's fucked.

SERVICE:

Our server was friendly and attentive and Al served our food with a smile and brought not one but two varieties of mustard. Unfortunately this small touch did little to counter the sub par cuisine

AMBIENCE:

The paper table coverings were a tacky attempt to appear upscale, perhaps this was to justify the price increase from the Dearborn Diner days. Very limited and unattractive menu. Would it kill you to laminate the thing for chrissake? How much could that cost? I understand that it may only be a temporary menu but it sends an immediate signal to the customer that you don't care. I'm sorry Al, but ordering off a food stained menu isn't appetizing. You order food off the menu not on the menu. And why such a limited menu? Only one type of burger? How hard can it be to make up a bunch of different burger names; "The Al Classic," "The Big Al with Cheese," "The Al Junior," "The Southwestern Al with Blue Cheese Dressing" etc, etc. How hard was that? They don't even need to make sense. I know that it's a brand new business but it comes in a long tradition of failed Diners however, customers wouldn't necessarily know this, especially guests of the hotel above. The place has a sort of a not-quiet-together feel to it. Perhaps a sign along the lines of "Pardon Our Dust" which businesses use when remodeling would be in order. Something like "We Just Opened And We're Working on Ways to Serve You Better" or "Still Tryin' to Get Our Shit Together, Be Patient". It seems like Al's doesn't even know if it wants to be a diner. It should either commit to being a diner which serves American food or completely change the decor and the menu.

RATING:

Al's is struggling with its identity and I don't have time for restaurants with complexes. Although the conversation was captivating as usual, all in all it was not a very satisfying Lunch Club experience. I give it a spork.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Trade Me New Zealand

Would somebody please tell those kiwis The Reglar Wiglar ain't a comic book!

Divorced from Reality

"And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this - this is working very well for them."--Barbara Bush, commenting on conditions in the Houston Astrodome

I think Babs is onto something here. If Hurricane Katrina and the subsequent flooding has improved the lives of the underprivileged, why don't we flood all the poor neighborhoods in all of our major cities. I think, in the long run, the benefits would outweigh the short-term struggles of no home, no job, no future.

As a Fox News commentator optimistically observed this weekend, some of these displaced flood victims (or refugees) are getting medical attention for the first time in years and they're finding out they have chronic conditions that have until now gone undiagnosed. Too bad they still won't have health insurance. But at least they'll know how fucked they are.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Bush Finds Silver Lining in Hurricane Disaster

"First we're going to save lives and stabilize the situation. Then we're going to help these communities rebuild. The good news is, and it's hard for some to see it now, is that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast, like it was before. Out of the rubble of Trent Lott's house, this guy lost his entire house, there's going to be a fantastic house and I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch."--George W. Bush

Thank God Trent Lott is going to be able to rebuild! Thank you God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Restaurant Reviews

Excerpt from the Best Restaurant Review Site Ever! (I said EVER!)

IRON MIKE'S GRILL

100 E. Chestnut, Chicago, IL

What can you say about Ditka, the man, the legend? He runs a restaurant like he runs a football team, with passion and integrity and an iron fist. Sometimes he forgets he's not on the sidelines of the grid iron when gives a waitress a smack on the ass for a good play or tears the dishwasher a new one for fumbling a salad plate. And don't think that plastic hip will keep him from hobbling over to your table ready to lay a bread basket right in the bread basket.

The Fridge Burger really lived up to it's name. Even William Perry would have trouble putting down a half dozen of these lovingly prepared, expertly garnished Bearific sandwiches. The service lived up to the Ditka legacy too, the waiter even took my friend Tim's overt homo-erotic comment (he told the waiter the Fridge Burger was Ditkarific) in stride. The real Ditka would have snapped my friend's neck like a twig.

The only complaint I would have is that there weren't enough moustaches on the staff.

I give it daaaa Fork.

The Top Nine Woodrows Records of All-Time!

It took Reglar Wiglar music critics, Joey T. Germ and Muggsy McMurphy, over thirty-six hours, seven cases of beer and three bottles of Makers to compile this list of the Top Nine Woodrows records of all time.

(Yeah, it was suppossed to be a Top Ten but the booze ran out.)

Enjoy!

Drunk
Quite possibly the best Woodrow record ever! Punk rock has yet to fully recover. Features: “Drunk,” “Gettin’ Drunk,” “Been Drinkin’,” “Just Had to Get Drunk Last Night,” “I’d Rather be Drunk than Drinkin’,” “Drink, Drink, Drink,” & of course the club hit, “Drink, Drank, Drunk”

Naked
The follow-up album to the brilliant Drunk LP. Twice the power! Four times the fun! Thirty-seven songs, including: “Naked,” “Born Naked,” “Tube Sock,” “Been Naked,” “Buck Naked,” “Caught in the Raw” plus thirty-one more classics!

Woodrows in Love
Recorded in the spring of 1992 after ALL four of the adorable Woodrow Brothers fell in love, simultaneously with the SAME girl!!! That poor, poor girl. “We Love You, Brenda,” “Church Bells a’Ringin’,” “Brenda, Choose Your Man,” “She Loves Us, She Loves Us Not” May the best Woodrow win!

Psycho Woodrow Zombies from Hell
Too many late, late, late shows for the Woodrow kids. Yiiikes!!! Seventeen bloodthirsty tracks, including “Gimme Brains,” “Skullcrusher Blues,” “Tasty Brains,” “Entrail Stew,” “Zombie Love,” “Gut Wrench (Literally)”, “Monster Bud,” “The More the Hairy”

Church of the Woodrows
You’ve heard about The Church of Scientology, right? Well, hear the word of the Church of the Woodrow, man! You better get on your knees and pray! Fifteen god-fearing tunes: “Lord as My Shepard,” “Jesus is Cool,” “God Loves all the Little Childrens,” “Let’s Hold Hands and Praise the Lord,” “The Devil, He Tempts Us All,” “Jesus Freaking” and more!!!

Hey Woodrow!
An early one and a surly one for sure. Ten sloppy tunes including “Ditchweed Doug,” “Goldfish Sandwich,” “Robo-Drunk,” “Have Weed Will Travel,” “Marvy’s Little Problem,” “House Arrest,” “Twinkie Farm,” and the Woodrow classic, “A Little Ying and a Lotta Yang.” Brilliant!

Run Woodrow Run!
Good advice if you’re a Woodrow. Running time is ten minutes on this one. That’s enough for thirty raunchy Woodrow gems like “Piss Pants,” “Ricky’s Got a Boner,” “Naked Twister,” “Firecracker,” “Zonked Out,” “Bum Rap (Revisited),” “Just Got Outa Jail and I Feel Like Getting’ F’d Up,” plus 23 more!

Rub-a-Dub Dub Four Woodrows in a Tub
After a two week hiatus the Woodrow Four returned with 1989s slippery soapy sequel: “Better’ n’ Shit,” “Suck-Ass Losers,” “Ralph,” “Your Mama’s a Ho (But I Love Her),” “Rat Bastards,” “S.O.B.,” “Repeat Offenders of the Faith,” “Glue Stick,” “God Hates Me,” and 33 more!

Woodrow Germs
Twenty-seven Woodrow Classics are packed onto this twenty minute limited edition, vinyl only release. Features a blistering cover of The Nuge’s “Cat Scratch Fever,” with originals “Fuck Work,” “Fuck the Government,” “Fuck the Phone Company,” “Fuck Institutions of Higher Learning.” A must have!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!

INTERNATIONAL!!!!

NAME CHANGE FOR AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR BADMINTON TEAM


NEPAL-The AP and Rueters have reported that America's most popular and successful Badminton Team, The Flying Cocks, have changed their name. The change comes in anticipation of the F-ing Cs upcoming tournament in Berwyn, Illinois on Sunday. The duo is not letting on as to what the new name might be, however. "They'll have to show up on Sunday and find out," joked team member Chris Auman via satellite from his room at the royal palace in the Nepalese capitol of Kathmandu. Auman and his teammate Tim Davison are in Nepal to receive the coveted Award for Excellence in the Field of Badminton from King Gyanendra Bir Bikram Shah Dev.

Niles Biscuit and Ian McMcKinson contributed to this story

Monday, August 29, 2005

Idiotorial

Wherein the Publisher Interviews Himself

Reglar Wiglar: I like that shirt.
Chris Auman: Oh, this old thing?
RW: Yeah, where’d you get it?
CA: Thrift store.
RW: It really looks good on you.
CA: Really? Thanks.
RW: So why a self-interview for this issue’s Idiotorial?
CA: Besides the fact that no one else wanted to do it, you mean?
RW: Right, besides the obvious reason.
CA: Well, I just don’t think Reglar Wiglar readers ever get a chance to see me as a person. They never get a glimpse of who I really am. All they get to see is a really fantastic magazine and they never really see the genius behind it.
RW: Maybe they don’t want a glimpse.
CA: They don’t, you’re right, but why should it always be about them?
RW: Excellent point.
CA: Thank you. You’re a really good interviewer by the way.
RW: Thanks, man. You’re cool to say that.
CA: You’re cool too.
RW: I guess were both cool!
(mutual laughter) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
RW: Ok, before this gets anymore narcissistic, let’s get to the point.
CA: Why don’t you ask me what’s been happening with the Reglar Wiglar lately?
RW: All right, what has been transpiring with the magazine as of late?
CA: Nice, I like the way you kind of reworded that, made it sound better. Anyway, I’m glad you asked that question. There’s been a lot happening, how’d you put it, as of late?
RW: Yes.
CA: A lot of changes. Sweeping changes that are directly affecting the way we run things around here.
RW: How do you run things around here?
CA: Into the ground usually.
(mutual laughter)
RW: That was really funny. Anyway, what kinds of sweeping changes are we talking about here?
CA: Well, for instance, I fired the entire staff?
RW: That’s a big sweeping change.
CA: Yes it is, and it was quite a shock to those people who were fired, which was all of them.
RW: What was their reaction?
CA: Most of them were relieved I’d say, but there were a few. .
RW: I can just imagine who, the usual suspects, huh?
CA: I know, right? Some people were all like, “Fire us? You don’t even pay us,” and I was all like, “Pay you? You don’t even work here, technically,” and they we’re all like, “F this” and “F that” and a lot of “F You!” and a few punches were thrown and I think someone’s glasses got stepped on and got crushed.
RW: That’s horrible.
CA: Yes, it was.
RW: What prompted your decision to fire everyone?
CA: It wasn’t my decision. Let’s get that straight and on the record. This decision came down from upstairs.
RW: So you had no choice?
CA: None whatsoever.
RW: So you’re kind of like the victim in all this.
CA: I am very much the victim, but to be fair, I was pretty sick of looking at a lot of those people anyway. I was sick of looking at all of them actually. So when the boys upstairs at Giganta Corp. sent word down that they were dissolving the magazine, well, let’s just say, I was game.
RW: Wait, let me get this straight, are you saying you were glad they were going to shut down the magazine?
CA: Yes.
RW: I’m shocked.
CA: Yes, the whole “shitty zine that nobody cares about” genre had gotten a bit stale for me. I’m quite bored with it really. I’ve been wanting to move on to greener pastures for awhile now?
RW: And start another magazine?
CA: And be a farmer, actually, raise cows or sheeps or llamas or something, bears, I don’t know, what do you do on a farm?
RW: Grow stuff.
CA: Sure, maybe something like that. Maybe I’ll grow chickens or something. That’s always been my dream really.
RW: Wow. That’s so noble.
CA: I should stop, I'm boring you.
RW: No, not at all. I find this all very fascinating, please continue.
CA: That’s it actually, farming.
RW: Oh. Ok. Anyway, so that’s it, huh? No more issues.
CA: No, actually, I guess I forgot to finish my story. The boys upstairs initially wanted to discontinue publication of the magazine but they had a change of heart.
RW: Tax write off?
CA: Bingo. But for that to work, they said we needed to cut back on distribution, they said we needed to cut back on quality and that we needed to have fewer advertisers.
RW: Cut back on advertising! Is it even possible for the Reglar Wiglar to attract fewer advertisers?
CA: You wouldn’t think so, but we’ll see. I think you’ll be surprised at the lack of effort we can inject into a project when we put our minds to it. I think we’re really going to take this thing underground.
RW: Further underground?
CA: Oh, yeah, that’s the beauty of being underground, the Reglar Wiglar will still exist, it just might be impossible to actually find. For example, Reglar Wiglar #22 might be one copy written on a cocktail napkin left on the table at a Wicker Park bar some night. Issue #23 might be some graffiti written on the wall in the men’s room at Millennium Park.--“Blow me” it might say. #24 might be stuck inside a fortune cookie or written on a blimp. You’ll just have to keep your ears and eyes peeled for it.
RW: If you care that is.
CA: Right, if you even give a shit.
RW: Well alright. This has been an incredibly gratifying experience. I totally enjoyed interviewing you. I’ve really learned a lot.
CA: Thank you. You really blew my mind with some of the questions your were asking. They were pretty amazing.
RW: Well thanks, I appreciate it.
CA: Hug?
RW: Sure, why not.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Reglar Wiglar #21 Out Soon, Etc.!!!

Yes, it's true, Reglar Wiglar #21 is currently at the printers and should be available for public consumption sometime next week. For those of you who don't know, the Reglar Wiglar is the zine from which this blog takes it's name. The new issue, in addition to the usual features, has interviews with Chicago's Peelers; legendary punk pioneers D.O.A. (see blog entry below); underground artist, Gary Panter; local indie rockers, Lying in States and NYC's The Hold Steady. For a real life copy of this fantastic issue, send $2 to Reglar Wiglar Magazine, 1658 N Milwaukee, #545, Chicago IL, 60647. That's a friggin' deal, people.

In other news, reglarwiglar.com is about to go down (and roostercow.com as well), but hopefully only temporarily. I don't know when I'll have my computer and internet issues sorted out, but you'll just have to check back. Besides, the blog is where it's at, right? Where's our book deal?

And finally on a rock note, my new band, Soft Targets, is making it's club debut this Friday, August 19, at 9pm at Silvie's Lounge, 1902 W Irving Park Road in Chicago. Don't be a wuss, come out and see us and drink some beer, it's Friday for God's sake!

Love,

Chris Auman
Office Manager
Reglar Wiglar Publisher
RoosterCow Records President
Scratcher of Backs (When Reciprocated)

D.O.A.: THE ICEBACKS COMETH!

Back in the day, before cell phones and the Internet and DVDs and iPods and all that shit, back when VCRs were top-loaders that ejected tapes with enough force to launch a hamster ten feet across your living room (not that I ever witnessed such a stunt myself) punk bands like DOA were blazing the trail for today’s mopey emo kids. Like their American counterparts and brothers-in-arms, Black Flag, DOA, rampaged across the North American continent, as well as Europe, living their vagabond lifestyles in smelly breaking-down vans. When DOA showed up, they plugged in and leveled the joint.

If you want the full-on version of the events briefly described above, do yourself a favor and read Joe Keithley’s autobiographical, I Shithead (perhaps the funniest book title ever) The book is chuck (biscuits?) full of anecdotes that will make you yearn for the days you weren’t around for to begin with. And do check out any DOA record of the last 25 years. Bloodied But Unbowed is a must, however, just so you know.


What's the biggest difference between a day in the life of Joe Keithley in 2005 and a day in the life of Joey Shithead in 1985?

Back then I was a part-time cab driver when we weren't on tour. So the schedule during the day would be: waking up at noon and going out to drive night shift or hang out, or be driving to a show. Now I am usually up at 7am. I get my kids off to school and start doing label stuff in the morning, usually a workout around noon, unless we are on tour, then again the daytime is driving to the next town is still the order of the day.

Do you think punk is doing its job today?


Well, sort of. There are a lot of people in the underground that are working hard politically. However, a lot of the "bigger" new bands really just
pay lip service to the activist side of punk rock. It's when they get up on stage and yell "Anarchy is cool!" then they might be backstage bitching that the hotel is only three stars.

This is a quote from the Trouser Press Record Guide, from the section on DOA; "punk-rock is, by definition, a marginal occupation, and those who make millions from it aren't doing it right." Do you agree with that?

Did we say that? Or was that the writer in Trouser Press?

That was written by the Trouser Press writers.

Let's take activist music in general, say folk and punk. Despite what some might think, you can "do the right thing" and be very successful. Look at Bob
Dylan, Billy Bragg, even The Clash, The Pistols and The DKs, (despite their inner contradictions) they were all successful in their day at their main occupations which seemed to be stirring things up and inspiring people.

People tend to give Black Flag the lion's share of the credit for blazing the trail as far as punk and independent bands touring, but DOA was known to do some pretty insane tours and to travel insane distances to play shows. What is the longest distance you traveled to play a show or the most fucked up tour route you¹ve taken?

Yes, we did as many shows and tours as Black Flag. In the long run actually, a lot more. We used to trade contact numbers with them. Then we would meet each other on the road somewhere and laugh about all the places that had never seen punk rock before and how crazy their reaction was in that ‘new’ town. The longest trip via vehicle was Vancouver to NYC (3,000 miles), started December 26th for a New Year's Eve show in NYC which was cancelled when we got there and they stiffed us for the dough,1985. We also did a crazy thing that had us in; Thursday, San Francisco; Friday, NYC; Saturday, L.A., 1982. Another was, Thursday, Toronto; Friday, Berlin; Saturday, London; Sunday, Montreal, 1992.

Your first Gibson SG was stolen how many times?

It has been stolen three times. In Vancouver, Portland and Spain, and I got it back all three times. It's one of my good luck charms. You know how B.B. King and Willie Nelson have had the same guitars forever? Same thing.

You sold the infamous DOA tour banner in San Jose, but were able to buy it back. Was that a condition of the sale, being able to buy it back someday?

Yes, that was funny. We sold it for three hundred dollars on the condition that we could buy it back for the same price. The club guy had it decorating the club's ceiling. When we played there about five years later, the club guy said to me after I told him I wanted it back, “Yeah, I gave you $750 for that didn't I?” I said, “Yeah right,” and gave his three hundred. The worse part was that I got Craig Bougie (No Means No soundman) to take it down so it had five years of dust and nicotine, probably rat turds as well, falling on top of him as he took it down.

Jack Rabid, of the mega-zine The Big Takeover, wrote the intro to your autobiography, I, Shithead, and he closed the intro by saying that if youwant to hear a funny story, ask Joe about the time his son came home and told him that the kids at school said he used to have a different last name. So, I'm doing as Jack Rabid suggested in your book and asking, what is the funny story?

Yes, my eldest son Jake was in grade six at the time and he came home and said one of his teachers said I had a really funny nickname. I said, "Yeah, it' s Razor 'cause I'm so sharp on guitar!” He said, “no it's not.” Just shows you how many times they had bothered looking at DOA albums.

You also mention that the stories contained in your book are only about five percent of the stories you have. Are the best stories in the book and are there any plans for documenting the other ninety-five percent?

Some of the best stories are in there, the majority are not. I am working on a new book

What kind of music do your kids listen to?

It ranges from jazz to new punk, to big band. We all like to listen to everything.

Do they appreciate your contribution to punk rock on this continent?

Yes, and around the world as well.

Have they read I, Shithead?


I am not sure. I guess I will know for sure when some funny questions are being asked! In reality, I bet not. The two older ones hate reading. They are just into the computer lifestyle.

What's the biggest difference between Americans and Canadians?


There are lots, the most important of course is that we almost always wax you guys at hockey! Canadians are generally more polite, the cities are cleaner (just like it's portrayed in Canadian Bacon!) There is more compassion for those who are down and out. We have socialized medicine. Yep, I'm proud to be an Iceback!

What is the best American import?

Gibson and Fender guitars! Martin too!

What is the best Canadian export?


Well, not Celine Dion. Maybe Neil Young.

WEB ACTION
www.suddendeath.com


DISCOGRAPHY

Disco Sucks EP7 (Can. Sudden Death) 1978
(Can. Quintessence) 1978
Triumph of the Ignoroids EP (Can. Friend's) 1979
Something Better Change (Can. Friend's) 1980
Hardcore 81 (Can. Friend's) 1981
War on 45 (Alternative Tentacles) 1982
Bloodied but Unbowed (CD Presents) 1984 (Restless) 1992
Don't Turn Yer Back (on Desperate Times) EP (Alternative Tentacles) 1985
Let's Wreck the Party (Alternative Tentacles) 1985
True (North) Strong & Free (Rock Hotel/Profile) 1987
Murder. (Restless) 1990
Talk Minus Action Equals Zero (Restless) 1990
The Dawning of a New Error (Alternative Tentacles) 1991
13 Flavours of Doom (Alternative Tentacles) 1992
It's Not Unusual...but It Sure Is Ugly! EP (Alternative Tentacles) 1993
Loggerheads (Alternative Tentacles) 1993
The Black Spot (Can. Essential Noise/Virgin) 1993
Festival of Atheists (Sudden Death) 2000
Win the Battle (Sudden Death) 2002
Are U Ready with(Sudden Death) 2003
Live Free or Die (Sudden Death) 2004

Friday, August 05, 2005

I Got Plans for Tonight

I'm gonna drink the fuck out of a beer tonight
I'm gonna drink the piss out of a pint
I'm gonna drink the shit out of a Stella, fellah
Not much you can do about it

I'm gonna smoke the hell out of a cigarette tonight
I'm gonna smoke the ass out of about twenty cigarettes as a matter of fact
Drink and smoke, drink and smoke
That's what I got going on tonight

I'm gonna listen to music and drink beer at the bar
and smoke cigarettes and talk all kinds of bullshit
I'm gonna talk a lot of smack, jack
You're gonna wanna stop listening after awhile once I get started

After the bar I'm going to eat the shit out of a burrito
I'm going to eat the fuck out of some quesadillas
I'm gonna drink a shit load of soda and go home and pass out
That's what's happening tonight, my friend

Bank on it

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Unfortunate Cookie

My fortune cookie today says "Your problem lies not in a lack of ability, but in a lack of ambition." That doesn't sound like a fortune so much as it sounds like somebody bitching at me. I don't need that kind of a hassle after I eat, you know?

Monday, July 25, 2005

RIP: The Rocker



ROCKER DIES AFTER STAGE-DIVING DURING A GIG

Famed advice columnist known only as "The Rocker" plunged to his death midway through a raucous performance, after a spectacular stage-dive went horribly wrong.

The Rocker, who was playing with his band Boss Brains at a gig promoted by US music magazine The Reglar Wiglar, jumped off the stage at a venue in Arlington Heights, Illinois.
The singer horrified fans as he reached out mid-leap to hang from a lighting rig, but missed and fell head-first onto the floor during the concert last Wednesday.

The 39-year-old died in hospital the next morning.

A witness says, "He crouched down before leaping off the stage and tried to grab the lighting rig and his momentum carried him forward.

"He went upside down and hit the floor. It lasted about five seconds. It was horrendous."

The Rocker's brother The Roller, who is also in the band, adds, "He died doing what he did best. Rocking the fuck out."

Friday, July 15, 2005

Dear Los Pinos Mexican Restauran

Dear Los Pinos Mexican Restauran,

I have received the menus from your restauran that were attached to the doorknob of the front door of my building. Thank you. I made sure that each tenant in the building got one. "Best tacos in tawn", huh? Pretty impressive!

I will look over the menu items and consider them carefully. Should I find something I like I will contact you further via the phone number printed on the front of the menu. Thanks again.

Sorry if this letter is a bit brief, I have also received menus from Golden Crust Pizza, Mr. Pollo, and Shawerma King.

Yours,

Office Manager

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Calling Shipping/ Receiving

Shipping/ Receiving. This is Office Manager. Do you copy? Over.

Shipping/ Receiving. This is Office Manager. The monkey is in the barrel. Repeat. The monkey is in the barrel. Do you copy? Over.

Shipping/ Receiving. This is Office Manager. If you read me, contact me through Mr. Germ. Over.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Meanwhile, in the +BlackMetal+ chat room on soulseek...





















[count_blah] You're the truest black metaller ever.
[Herr_Charles_VII] Well, thank you, but may i ask how you know me, or any of my works?
[+Nucular_Frost+] GETCHOO SUM DENTAL FLOSS WHILE YOU SEXIN
[Herr_Charles_VII] Is that from the new Satanic Warmaster cd?
[publicastration] alright pizza time bitches
[Euronymouslives] I thought you shopped at Hot Topic. Don't get me wrong I'm not insulting you... I just thought you did.
[dismembered-bodyparts] does anyone got vomitron?
[TheeIronCodpiece] Manowar could beat up Immortal in a no-holds-barred fight to the death
[ForestElf] why would manowar and immortal have a fight,they is on the same side of what is metal
[sagave_viking_master] you're just as stupid as nargaroth who faught in the woods against his enemy.
[TheeIronCodpiece] Your mom is the son of Nagaroth

Bonus blogs!:
Bedtime Stories
Halfway Around the World...
Dark Secrets
Red is He/White is SheorHe
Bad Cocaine Fueled Nightmares and Shit Hot Hair Spray Too!!!
?????
??????
???????

Friday, July 08, 2005

I Got More

I got more money in my bank
I got more gas in my tank
I got more steak in my flank
I got more pull in my rank

I got more fifty in my cent
I got more control in my rent
I got more pup in my tent
I got more exhaust in my vent

I got more ring to my tone
I got more bare to my bone
I got more danger in my zone
I got more shark in my loan

I got more cell in my stem
I got more Stimpy in my Ren
I got more mustard on my bread
I got more needle on my thread

I got more hot on my wings
I got more wild in my flings
I got more mood on my swings
I got more silly in my strings

I got more crime in my century
I got more blood in my history
I got more Greek in my tragedy
I got more fear in my factory

I got more bad in my apple
More juice in my Snapple
More grip in my grapple
More Paige in my Satchel
More flim in my flam
More god in my damn
More skin in my flint
More short in my stint
More spam in my box
More sly in my fox
More Hanoi in my rocks
More tube in my socks
More swain in my cox
More ships in my docks
More geese in my flocks
More tail in my ox
More hard in my knocks
More build in my blocks

I just got more

Saturday, June 11, 2005

JIMMY BUFFETT LOST HIS CELL PHONE!

Jimmy Buffett got into a situation in Palm Beach, Fla., recently that had a lot of similarities to Paris Hilton's now-famous T-Mobile Sidekick incident. Trouble began when Buffett lost his cell phone, and it ended with the involvement of the U.S. Secret Service.
The Mayor of Margaritaville was seen dancing into the early morning hours of May 29 at Palm Beach's Cuban nightclub Brisa Atlantica. At 4 a.m., during cleanup, busboy Jason Martin, 22, ran across a $500 Ericsson cell phone.
"We were sitting around smoking weed and scrolling down the list on Jimmy's phone, going, ‘Wow!'" Martin told the Page Two gossip column of the Palm Beach Post. He said he didn't call anyone but his friends might have crank-called former President Bill Clinton.
Other bigwig contacts on the phone included Al Gore, Jimmy Carter, Clint Black, George Strait, Alan Jackson, Cam'ron, George Clooney, Michael Douglas, Harrison Ford and Bill Gates.
Martin said a Buffett associate called the cell phone on May 30.
"He said I was a thief and a liar," Martin told the paper. "Then I called [Buffett's wife's] number and she was nasty to me. So I told them I wouldn't give it back."
Despite a $200 reward offer, the busboy still refused to turn over the phone. After Buffett called the restaurant, the owner fired Martin and police were called. Because the digitsof ex-presidents were on the phone, the Secret Service was brought in as well.
Martin finally turned over the phone but the memory card was missing. According to a police report, the busboy told a witness he planned to sell the SIM card to the National Enquirer. However, Buffett told the Post it's pretty much OK as things stand.
"There wasn't much on [the chip]," the artist said. "Although, whoever had the phone may have called a couple of my contacts."
He didn't elaborate but said the phone's keypad was locked by password.
"Not true," the busboy responded. "I wonder if Jimmy really knows how these things work."

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Random Mix CD (for Steve Stelling)

Clarence 'Frogman' Henry - That's When I Guessed
Strapping Fieldhands - The Oath
W.A.S.P. - Tormenter
The Dirtbombs - Kiss Kiss Kiss
Sun City Girls - This Is My Name
Captain Beefheart & the Magic Band - Brickbats
Blind Lemon Jefferson - That Crawlin Baby Blues
Melvins - Flex With You (demo)
Erik B. & Rakim - I Know You Got Soul
Minutemen - There Ain't Shit On T.V. Tonight
Bill Withers - The Same Love That Made Me Laugh (has made me cry)
Killdozer - The Nobbies (A Sea Shanty)
Three Six Mafia - Let's Start A Riot
Califone - Dock Boggs
Edan - Rock and Roll
Clarence Carter - Too Weak to Fight
Jermain Tamraz - Title Unknown
The Replacements - Get Off the Phone
Annette Snell - Love Connection
Red Nichols Stompers - Where My Cot Where the Cot-cot-cotton Grows

If you would like your own custom-made, randomly-selected cd mix, send your name and address to sbsweaty at gmail dot com, buckaroo.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

You Got Nuts

You got nuts, man
I'll give you that much
Some kinda big balls you got
You talk to me like I'm some kinda chump
Owes you a favor?
Please
It ain't even like that

Oh, you got some cajones, cabron
This I can see
You must shoot a huge load the way you talk
You talk like you think you are EL Presidente
I've got news for you, you are not EL Presidente

I'm gonna go get a cup of coffee
You better not be here when I get back

What's Your Deal?

What is your deal? Exactly.
I can't figure it out
And I'm pretty smart
What is your deal, dude. Exactly.

You and me go back a ways
A long, long ways if you ask me
But you didn't ask me
And so here we are
What is your deal, dude? Exactly.

I've got five dollars
That's it
Five fucking dollars to my name
But I will give you my five dollars
If you just tell me what your deal is
Exactly

Friday, May 27, 2005

...




I Drank an Assload of Beer Last Night

I drank an assload of beer last night
A fuckin' assload
I had a real nice time and the beer tasted sweet
But damn if I didn't drink an assload of beer last night

I drank an assload of beer last night
But I made it to work on time
I get my shit done, son
No one gets put out 'cause of me
But damn if I didn't drink an assload of beer last night

I gotta tell you, those bartenders at Boomer's were fine
I don't know if they were Romanian or what
I know they got some mail order bride shit going on over there
Just like the Russians
I gotta check that shit out
But god damn if I didn't drink an assload of beer last night

I drank an assload of beer last night
It feels like someone opened up my skull and took a shit in it.
Then used my tongue to wipe
Fuckin' A, I drank an assload of beer last night

Tom Cruise Needs to Mind His Own Damn Business

Tom Cruise needs to mind his own damn business
Scientology? You gotta be kidding me
You're not real, man. No way
You gotta kiss your girl in front of millions
You ain't real man. Come on
She's half your age, Chief
Let it go

Yo, Top Gun
How you gonna be tellin' people how to live
What pills they need
How they should feel
You need to take that Scientology bullshit
And shove it up your Cocktail, bro
That was a bad movie, man
What's up with that

Step off, Bitch

Step off bitch
You ain't gotta be standin' that close to me
Step off bitch
Do I look like I need help?
Step off bitch
Why you sweatin' me like that?
Step off bitch
I'm bein' for real here, man,
you need to step the fuck off

I Heard Star Wars Sucks, Dude

I heard Star Wars sucks, dude
How come you tellin' me it's all that
I heard Hayden Christensen blows
How come you said he's good in that movie

Somethin' ain't right here
You been talkin' 'bout this Star Wars bullshit all week
My boy tells me it's just OK
Something ain't right
We need to talk, man

If I'm gonna drop some cash on this flick
We gotta get this shit straightened out

Thursday, May 12, 2005

5 Conspiracy Theories Debunked

JFK Assassination
John Kennedy was a huge heroin addict. The CIA knew this of course and took his ass out right before he was going on the nod in Houston or Dallas or wherever it was he got shot.

Moon Landing Faked
There is no moon, stupid

Alien Autopsy
Is real actually, but it was produced by aliens just to fuck with us

Earth Round
Yeah, like we wouldn't all just fall off.

American Idol Rigged
No shit it's rigged.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

More soon

Sorry about the lack of updates, we'll be more persistent here pretty soon. Like a few days, no more than a week or two.
In the meantime, you may want to check out this Bo Bice blog,this video of Buzz Osborne watching the White Sox / Mariners game, and this excellent tribute to Mother's Day.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Raw interview footage

I interviewed Craig Finn who sings for a rock band called The Hold Steady. Here's the raw, unedited transcript, which I'll be trimming down and folding into a more narrative-type article. The article will be in Reglar Wiglar #21, which is certain to be the most blockbusting issue yet.
Here 'tis, enjoy:

Craig Finn of the Hold Steady (hereafter, CF): Hey it’s Craig.
Mike Dixon of the Reglar Wiglar (RW): Craig, this is Mike.
CF: How are you, Mike?
RW: I’m alright. How are you?
CF: Good. What are you up to?
RW: Uh, just…
CF: Got out of work early?
RW: Got out of work early, and I’m at home now. Yeah. Let’s just kind of start at.. You guys started out as a cover band?
CF: Uh, well yeah. These friends of mine had a comedy thing, and it was kind of like, in between sets, as they changed skits, they had us playing. No singing. Just sort of famous hard rock riffs like ‘Back In Black’ or ‘The Boys Are Back In Town’. Kind of like bumper music. Just fun stuff that was helping them out. That’s how we got together. We got together playing all this hard rock stuff, and it was so far from what we’d been hearing in the years leading up to that, and it just sounded so good, and it ended up being the genesis of the band.
RW: And then you said “Let’s see what happens if we write original material?”
CF: Yeah, I had some songs lying around, and I started showing them, and all of a sudden we had a show. It’s funny, bands, you always end up telling the story of how you started, but, it always ends up being that you aren’t thinking beyond playing the first show. Often you play the first show, then you’ve got a band.
RW: How do you guys go about writing songs?
CF: Well, I write a lot. I just write. I have notebooks worth of stuff. Tad comes in with a riff. Usually Tad – I’d say 70% of the time. He’s the guitar player. He was the bass player in Lifter Puller. He was like a replacement bass player for the last two years. He was a better guitar player than anyone, but he just joined when we needed a bass player. So he comes up with a riff, or else I will every once in a while. Then we’ll just jam it out, and then I’ll go home and try to figure out what words are going to go over it. Start changing it around, make it fit, et cetera.
RW: I wondered about that, because your lyrics sound almost like raps or something.
CF: Yeah. Hip hop’s a big influence of mine in a lot of ways. It’s also just something I do. It’s half through rap and half spoken singers like Lou Reed.
RW: Do you do other writing, like short stories?
CF: No, not really. No. I have a novel. I have this outline for this book that I haven’t written much of and it just stares at me in my face every morning. Every day I go home and I look at it, but I really haven’t done that much with it. But like I said, I write tons in notebooks, and out of that comes lyrics. I’d like to do more co-writing with other artists, but I haven’t. Writing lyrics for a different artist, you know?
RW: I had read about Lifter Puller – probably in Your Flesh or something – and thought I should check it out, but I kind of forgot about it. It slipped into my subconcience until someone said “Have you heard this Hold Steady album?” and I said “No. What’s that?” and I picked it up on that recommendation not knowing what it was going to be like. And when I heard it, I thought I hadn’t really heard anything like it. So I looked you up, and drew the connection back to Lifter Puller. Since then, I’ve only heard a little bit of the old band, but it’s kind of a similar thing, right?
CF: Yeah, it’s sort of similar. It was way more indie, where this is a little more hard rock.
RW: So, is there any concept behind it?
CF: It’s just the way it ended up being. I think a lot of what we’re doing is maybe not a conscious reaction, but certainly some reaction to – Lifter Puller was based in Minneapolis and I moved to New York in the fall of 2000, and a lot of the stuff that was big at the time or immediately following, you know, dance punk, new wave-style revival. I would say what we do is somewhat in reaction to that. I was sitting in my house and growing up in Minneapolis, I used to see the Replacements in their glory years, and I was thinking that none of these bands have anything on them. Just the power and energy that they had with two guitars, bass and drums. And that was kind of the genesis of it.
RW: I had a friend I used to work with who moved up there. He got a job working for Summit Brewery.
CF: Really.
RW: Yeah, and I stayed in Minneapolis or maybe St. Paul for a few days, and every place we went, we heard the Replacements, either in a bar or on a jukebox. It was still – this was 1997 probably.
CF: Yeah, even the squarest jocks are really into it.
RW: I grew up in Chicago and Naked Raygun was kind of our big punk band.
CF: Sure, I used to go see Naked Raygun all the time.
RW: There were like five people in my high school who knew who they were, but the last few months before we all went to college, some of the jock-type guys from our school were showing up at the shows.
CF: That’s what you want. You know what I mean? You need those guys. You can only get so far with the total hipsters.
RW: How do feel about New York vs. the Midwest?
CF: Well, it’s totally different, obviously. Minneapolis in particular. I went to school in Boston and I wanted to start a band, which ended up being Lifter Puller, and I ended up moving to Minneapolis. I was from there, but I also knew that it was a vibrant music scene. It was kind of easy to build a following, pay rent, and all of that. When you do those things in New York it’s a lot harder to do practices, and people tend to have more going on. But, when you do well, it’s way easier to make a national impact. Which you eventually want to.
RW: Because the local press in New York is also the national press, right?
CF: Yeah.
RW: What is going on in Ybor City?
CF: I don’t know, because I’ve never been there, but it’s really fun to say. I do know it’s a place that used to be a really cracked-out ________ but since then, it was redone as sort of a South Beach type place, so it’s really got the worst of both worlds. It’s right by Tampa.
RW: The new album has a heavy – it’s not even a subtext – Catholic thread running through it.
CF: My idea is that the record is both Catholic and suburban. Those are two things I’m really familiar with in my upbringing. A lot of my stuff is based on characters. And the characters are extreme people who go back and forth between really extreme things.
RW: You do a lot of stuff that takes place around bars or party scenes, and one thing I love about it is that most people who write songs about drugs or booze or whatever it’s either “Oh man, I put my whole life through the needle” or “Woo let’s drink whiskey all day” – and you seem pretty matter of fact. You don’t pass any judgement.
CF: Well there are positives and negatives. It’s a little detached, I guess. I think that plays into the Catholic thing. You know, you go to confession, and you’re forgiven.
RW: When you write stuff do you have a bunch of one-liners and build out from there?
CF: It’s usually like a page. And then I cross things out when I revisit it and shape it into verses.
RW: On the first record, you had a lot of those lines where you say “My name is… but the call me…” and there’s one song where you use the members of The Band, like Robbie Robertson and Rick Danko.
CF: That’s just sort of tricks I come up with to kind of move the stuff along. The second song on the new album kind of goes through a lot of the books of the Bible. It’s a technique I come up with for something to hang the song on. A framework.
RW: So I guess you don’t mind too much if people have to try to figure things out for themselves because they don’t totally get everything you’re talking about right away – the references like Ybor City or Andre Cymone
CF: I hope that’s part of the fun. When we played in Minneapolis last time there was a write-up in the local weekly paper and it said that the new album’s really confusing. I don’t know if that should be such a bad thing.
RW: I like it. I listen to it and there’s a reference to like Rocco Sifredi, and I don’t get it, but I think it’s funny. Even though I don’t know who he is.
CF: He’s a porn star. It’s littered with inside jokes and inferences so that maybe the seventy-fifth time you listen to it, you get something you didn’t on the first.
RW: What else are you interested in besides music?
CF: Baseball. The Minnesota Twins.
RW: That’s funny. This other writer’s interviewing Steve Albini…
CF: Oh really?
RW: and he wants to come up with something that’s not a rehash of the major labels and digital recording are evil thing. So I said “Do you follow baseball at all? Because I know he’s a huge baseball fan.” And he doesn’t, which is kind of unfortunate, because it would be an interesting – or at least an unusual interview.
CF: There are a lot of metaphors between baseball and rock and a lot of prominent rock dudes are big baseball fans. You know, you go out on a tour with a band. Some shows are good, some shows are bad. But you keep at it, and you start to come up with a two-thirds good to bad. You keep at it for a long time, and you can’t let the bad ones get you down, and that’s kind of what a baseball season is. There are 162 games, and the important thing is that they play well most of the time. There’s this mental thing about doing it day after day after day. There’s a persistence there. Then there’s the whole different thing of the geeky stats stuff, which plays right into record collecting. Record collectors and baseball facticians are the same dudes, basically. There are all these obscure names, like the guy who pitched for the Twins in 1979.
RW: Yeah, it’s not so much fun if you just know the all-stars.
CF: Right. There are unlikely heroes. In 1991 the Twins won the World Series, and Gene Larkin, a guy off the bench, pinch hit and won the World Series. And damned if I knew who Gene Larkin was, but it’s not the players who were all-stars who won. Most of our band likes baseball and hates the Yankees.
RW: Okay, I was going to ask if you were a Yankees fan or a Mets fan.
CF: I hate ‘em. I don’t really care about the Mets so much. I’m actually from Boston originally, so I was raised a Red Sox fan. My parents moved to Minneapolis when I was a kid. I grew up in Minneapolis, so I got into the Twins by myself. My dad’s still more of a Red Sox fan. Either way, I did not like the Yankees. To give you an idea, the Yankees payroll’s about two hundred million dollars, and there are teams in baseball that 28 million dollar payroll. The next down from the Yankees’ is the Red Sox’, which is about 120 mil. So they’re just basically paying for it. It’s hatred. I don’t like ‘em.
RW: So, talking about record collecting, are you into that at all?
CF: No. I love records, and I buy records, but I don’t collect them. Every once in a while I’ll go to a record convention, and I’ll be like “I can’t believe…” Everything I’ve bought, I’ve never spent collector’s prices.
RW: Yeah, I’ve probably paid $25.00 once or twice on some old punk album you can’t get on cd. Do you know who Greg Cartwright is?
CF: Yeah.
RW: I think his wife does well with whatever she does, but he just lives off of finding and selling records. Like 60s soul and doo wop 45s. He’s just incredibly knowledgeable about the obscurities.
CF: What’s his band doing now?
RW: I interviewed him a while ago, and he had just moved to North Carolina.
CF: Really? Was that because of his wife or something?
RW: I don’t know. He met his wife through record collecting…
CF: There aren’t many of those out there. Ha ha.
RW: So now it’s him and two other guys. New guys now. They couldn’t keep it together with the other guys living in Memphis. But they’re keeping the name as the Reigning Sound. So, I know they’ve got a new odds and sods collection coming out, and then they’re backing up some guy – some old blues/r&b guy– on his new album. I can’t think of his name. Eddie Rogers or something like that (note: the name of the guy is Eddie Kirkland).
CF: I love that band.
RW: Yeah, the new Jack Oblivian record is really good.
CF: Is it just called Jack Oblivian?
RW: Jack O and the Tearjerkers.
CF: Is it on In the Red.
RW: I think Sympathy.
CF: I’ll have to check it out. I’m an E Music member, so they might have it.
RW: What have you heard lately that’s good?
CF: They do have it, awesome. Ummmmmmm, I really like the new Spoon record. I’ve also been listening to this Jens Lekman record. Do you know that guy?
RW: Is he the guy..
CF: He kind of does a Stephin Merrit type of thing.
RW: Yeah. “I Don’t Want To Be Your Dog” or something… Kind of funny songs?
CF: Yeah. “When I Said I Wanted To Be Your Dog”. He’s got a real dry sense of humor.
RW: That’s the kind of thing that I don’t think it’s the kind of music I like, but I end up liking a lot more of it than I will admit to.
CF: Right. Is it “Don’t Throw Your Love Away”? The Jack Oblivian?
RW: Yeah.
CF: I like a lot of indie hip hop stuff.
RW: Like MF Doom?
CF: Yeah. There’s this guy P.O.S. from Minneapolis. He’s a friend of mine, but I didn’t know him that well until he became an artist that I really enjoyed. I did a cameo on his record. But his last record is really incredible.
RW: P.L.F.?
CF: P.O.S. Like Piece of Shit. It’s pretty cool.
RW: Hm.
CF: There’s this band that we just played a bunch of shows with called The Oranges Band that’re on Lookout Records. Their new record is fantastic. It’s miles ahead of their last one. They did it all themselves and I’m just blown away by the album. Especially the vocal production on it.
RW: The new Stephen Malkmus album, though…
CF: Yeah, you have it?
RW: It’s not very good.
CF: It really isn’t. You know why? I’m not really down with indie rock right now, and his last two records…
RW: I’ve been following the guy for twelve years or so, and I’m kind of a loyalist, and I listened to it and thought “oh, this sucks”. Then I listened a few more times and decided he could have made a three or four song ep and come out looking really great. But, it just doesn’t sound like he worked very hard.
CF: You know, what bummed me out about it is that I thought he was going somewhere with that other stuff, with the long guitar solos. And I thought, that’s what I want him to do.
RW: There’s one song on there like that and it’s the best one.
CF: I love the ‘climing the mountain’ solos. I wanted it to be more like the Allman Brothers, you know? And it kind of went back to indie rock.
RW: Well, the lyrics aren’t any good either. The unreleased songs on the new Pavement rereleases have better lyrics.
CF: Have you heard this new Ponys record?
RW: No.
CF: I liked their last record.
RW: I’ve heard it’s cleaner sounding. You know, they’re from here.
CF: I think Brian from the 90 Day Men is with them now.
RW: Yeah. They’re pretty good. They’re surprising because they came from this scene here that’s centered around this magazine, Horizontal Action. And they used to play at this bar …
CF: What was it called?
RW: The bar is called the Beat Kitchen. And it was mostly like 23 year old kids who’d get wasted. Rip roaring drunk and doing cocaine in the bathroom. It was kind of like some scenes out of your songs. My roommate worked at this place, and he was into the music, but he’d say “Man, we had to put the urinals back on the wall again last night”. They’d make a ton of money selling cheap beer, but the audience would just destroy the place every weekend. Anyway, they were in this scene – this garage rock scene – and what they were doing was so much – actually, it was only slightly different, but every other band was doing, like, the Oblivians style. And they kind of separated themselves from that.
CF: See, I’m not that huge of a garage rock fan.
RW: Some bands just have better songs than others.
CF: The Reigning Sound being the prime example. The songs are just head and shoulders above everything else.
RW: He’s got a great voice, too. Good singer.
It’s funny, I got an Ipod for Christmas, as did most of America, or at least a lot of people in New York. You see where it might destroy the album. I listen to stuff on shuffle all the time.
RW: I do that at work. I copy cds, and I’ve got soulseek, so I say “Hmm, I wonder what Moby Grape sounds like”. So I search it and a half hour later, I’ve got all their albums. And I just put it on random play all day, usually. Go on blogs, and get all kinds of stuff.
CF: My friend has this idea where he does ‘album Sundays’ where he only listens to albums all the way through on Sunday. He doesn’t listen on shuffle.
RW: They’re doing that with radio stations. They’re expanding their playlists from like 50 songs and moving up to around 2000 songs, and they use an Ipod or something to shuffle the songs. I wonder if you call up and request a song on the radio now, and they don’t have it in their library, will they just go and steal it off the internet?
CF: Maybe college radio. But nowadays, I think radio stations have such intense playlists that I think they literally wait until someone calls and requests something they’re going to play anyway and then just shout it out to them.
RW: My friend is friends with Spot – you know Spot?
CF: From SST?
RW: Yeah. He says that they would sit at SST day after day calling every radio station in the country requesting Black Flag and Meat Puppets songs.
CF: That’s crazy. That would be their promotion?
RW: Yeah. I don’t know if they just had enormous phone bills or.
CF: I know something about that. You know, Greg Ginn’s a real geek. He’s like an electronics wiz, and he figured something out where I don’t think phone bills were a problem.
RW: That reminds me of something. I met Raymond Pettibon at an art exhibition he had here at the University of Chicago, and he signed my book “From your pal, Raymond Pettibon” because that’s the way Jimmy Piersall signed his autograph. Cuz he’s a big baseball fan too.
CF: That’s cool. It’s funny how baseball and music ends up together. I also think that baseball is bigger in bigger cities like Chicago and New York because so many people depend on public transportation. I think that’s the ultimate way to follow baseball is just to look at the box score in the morning. Every morning I get on the train, I buy the Post, and I flip over to that.
RW: Rather than watching every game on tv.
CF: Yeah. Another great thing is Baseball Tonight, which is an hour long at ten pm, and you can see the three exciting plays of every game.
RW: You’ve been to Wrigley Field?
CF: Yeah.
RW: You know that it is where it is because they wanted it where it would be accessible to the train.
CF: That makes sense.
RW: And I think the original team was the Chicago Whales.
CF: Oh, really?
RW: Yeah, I don’t know if it was a minor league team, or what.
CF: The Twins are playing the White Sox tonight. I’m really fascinated by how things end up. The way I understand it is that the south side is Sox fans and the north side is Cubs fans.
RW: Yeah, but the city is…
CF: There are more Cubs fans, aren’t there?
RW: The Cubs are more popular.
CF: They’ve got a better park.
RW: That’s one thing. The White Sox stadium is no good, but the Cubs are also in a real yuppified area. There are a lot of bars and all that. My friend worked with these women who went to see the Cubs almost every night a few years ago when they were in the pennant race, and the women didn’t know they were in first place. They were just getting drunk and trying to pick up guys. But, yeah, it’s probably the best place to see baseball anywhere.
CF: I personally prefer Fenway, but I would say it’s neck and neck. And that may be just because I like the Red Sox better. I would say one thing that Fenway offers is it’s a little less yuppified in the neighborhood around it. It’s still got bars, but it’s a little rougher around the edges. The other thing that’s interesting to me is when we tour I always talk about baseball from the stage, and people start yelling stuff out. It’s a good way to get people involved. I can usually joke with people. I can just pull stuff out. I really love going to, like, Iowa.
RW: Where they have no professional sports whatsoever.
CF: Yeah. But regionally it breaks down. There are a lot of Cubs fans there. In the northern part of the state there are a lot of Twins fans. Then closer in the southwest, it’s St. Louis. So it kind of spreads out. Even through the south, like Mississippi and Alabama, a lot of Braves fans. Then people just kind of make up their own. They’re like “Fuck it, I’m a Red Sox fan”. I always found that interesting. Also, people tend to do like I did. You know, your dad tells you who to root for.
RW: We watched the White Sox when I was a kid. My grandpa – my dad’s dad was a pretty good baseball player. Actually both of my grandfathers were pretty good, but my dad’s dad actually tried out for the White Sox.
CF: Ow, cool.
RW: My mom’s dad is from Buffalo, and he was on some kind of locally organized team with Warren Spahn, which is pretty neat, and he’s got some team pictures.
CF: Oh, wow.
RW: Well, you know about the Disco Demolition?
CF: Yeah. That was at Comiskey, right?
RW: Yes. They’ve been playing a 25th anniversary special on PBS here.
CF: Oh, cool. The photos I’ve seen of that are amazing.
RW: Well, look up Steve Dahl. I think it’s D-A-H-L dot com, and you can buy it. It’s got all the footage, and they talk about why they were blowing up disco records. It’s pretty good. So we watched the games all the time anyway, but we were watching that game live. And it’s funny that that’s become a major footnote in rock history. And baseball history.
CF: It’s so cool. They cancelled the game, right?
RW: It was a double header and they did it in the middle. They had to cancel the second game, because people ran out on the field and tore it up. It attracted, I don’t know a hundred thousand people? Forty thousand people (Note: 90,000 total) waiting outside drinking all day long.
CF: You know that band the Dillinger Four? They’re from Minneapolis, but two of the guys are originally from Evanston. They have this song that’s some other Chicago reference, I think it’s called “No. 51, Dick Butkus”. One of the lines is “Harry Caray making sick on Clark St.” Patrick, the guy who wrote it lived somewhere over there, and he saw Harry Caray, after announcing the game, staggering drunk, and then he just goes into an alley and throws up.
RW: He and Jimmy Piersall used to be a team. They were the announcers for the Sox during that Disco Demolition, and Bill Veeck was the owner.
CF: Bill Veeck’s son ended up buying a minor league team – the St. Paul Saints, which I actually talk about on the record. Well, I make a reference to them. Him and Bill Murray. Bill Murray’s a part owner.
RW: Okay, I heard a rumor that Bill Murray’s going to play Bill Veeck in the Bill Veeck movie, when they make it. If they ever make it. But, Harry and Jimmy Piersall, you used to be able to hear the popping beers open on mic when they were calling the games.
CF: That’s amazing.
RW: So, are you guys going on tour any time soon?
CF: Yeah. Let’s see here… I just got something. An update.
RW: Are you at work now?
CF: Yeah.
RW: What do you do?
CF: I work for a company called The Orchard, which is a digital distribution company. Basically what a physical record distributor would do, but we find labels, take the stuff in, and distribute it to Itunes, Napster, etcetera.
RW: So, mp3s and stuff?
CF: Yeah. Then we help market it and stuff. We help hundreds of labels. It’s a cool job. They’re really good to me. Um, what do I got here? I’ve got Thursday, June 2nd at the Empty Bottle. Should be fun.
RW: Are you touring with another band.
CF: Not up until then. On the west coast we’re playing with a band called United State of Electronica. U.S.E., which sounds like something I would hate. But I saw them at South By Southwest, and that’s why we’re playing with them, because they were fucking awesome. The electronica part is sort of like Daft Punk but they play guitar, bass, drums. They have like nine people onstage. There’s something about them that when I explain it, I have to mention Andrew W.K. It’s really crazy. People were throwing drinks, tackling each other. It was wild.
RW: Cool music, too?
CF: It’s good music. We’re united by – we consider ourselves a party band, and I’d say they definitely are one. Between the two of us, it should be sweet.
RW: Have you heard the Robert Pollard comedy album?
CF: No. I’ve heard of it, but I haven’t heard it. Is it good?
RW: It’s pretty good. It’s just between song banter. It’s funny, my wife doesn’t actively dislike Guided By Voices, but she’s heard them, and we saw them open for Cheap Trick, which is probably her favorite band.
CF: They’re one of mine, too.
RW: Someone gave her at tape of Guided By Voices and she didn’t like it, and after seeing them live, she said “I don’t get it. The whole vibe, the stage presence, yuck”. I’m intrigued by them, but I don’t have any of their records. So I tried to explain the whole story, the guy’s 45 years old, and he’s insanely prolific, and he had this band in his garage, and they got lucky and now he’s living his dream, blah, blah, and she just said “But I don’t like the music”. Anyway, there’s some really funny stuff on there like “Rolling Stone magazine’s got this list of the One Hundred Greatest Living Guitar Players, and they’ve got Joan Jett on there. My brother’s a better guitar player than Joan Jett!”
CF: My wife is totally pissed. She doesn’t like Joan Jett. When she was like ten, and her older brother was fourteen, he went to a Joan Jett concert and got totally wasted to the point where he was throwing up and they had to get the paramedics and the police got involved and called his mom. So she wasn’t allowed to go to concerts alone until she was seventeen.
RW: And she blamed it on Joan Jett?
CF: Yeah! She totally refuses to hold her brother accountable.
RW: What is the funniest of the bigtime rock concerts you’ve been to?
CF: Kiss.
RW: Original makeup?
CF: Yeah. Well, the reunion show. Speaking of a comedy album, the between song banter at that was IN-credible. He was saying stuff like “Kiss loves Minneapolis so much, we’re thinkin’ of movin’ here!” And the fans eat it up, you know?
RW: I grew up in this town called Hoffman Estates, which is a suburb of Chicago, and we had Poplar Creek, which was one of the first outdoor venues with the pavilion and the lawn, so we saw all kinds of crazy stuff. My mom worked for this company that owned seats that they’d give away to clients, but one time, they couldn’t find anyone to take the tickets, so my friend and I went to see the Power Station. The seats were in the fifth row, and this was right past the peak of Duran Duran mania. Except for the guys on the stage, there wasn’t another male for a hundred feet back.
CF: Dude.
RW: I had never seen anything like it. Girls screaming and crying and throwing stuff on stage. And it wasn’t even Duran Duran. Really, it wasn’t even really the Power Station, because they had a different singer. Robert Palmer didn’t want to do it, so they got Michael DesBarres instead.
CF: Yeah, yeah, yeah. A couple times I’ve gone to really big shows – like really big ones – and seen the performer noticeably drunk. I saw Joe Walsh one time. I can understand how a band might get too drunk if they’re playing in front of 300 people, but if you’re playing in front of thousands and thousands, you think you could wait? Especially when it’s not like you’re just in the band and you’re the bass player. You’re Joe Walsh. You’re the guy. Pull it together. I also saw the Cult open for Metallica and they were drunk as hell.
RW: I remember that one. At that point, Metallica was still kind of underground, and the fans didn’t want to see anything other than Metallica. And it was like at first they tried to win people over, then they were just defiant by staying on stage. But, it’s like, I don’t know, ten thousand people that hate you, you’re British, and you’re kind of doing hard rock, but it’s not really.
CF: Yeah, it’s not really hard rock. I have a feeling – I’d have to review the dates, but I have a feeling that that tour may have been the end for them. As far as that’s where their ascension stopped. That must have been demoralizing. They seemed like they were getting big, right?
RW: But to Metallica fans, they might has well have been the Cure.
CF: Yeah, they were the same thing to the fans. I should run.
RW: Great. I’ve got to eat dinner.
CF: Awesome. Good to talk to you.
RW: Yeah, I’ll try to make it out when you’re in Chicago.
CF: Great. Take care.
RW: Bye.