Thursday, September 26, 2013


I guess this is a parody, but it's not far off from an actual letter I read that was sent to an employer of mine—one who shall remain nameless—who was a business owner sympathetic to the message contained therein. This is a pretty over-the-top attempt at satire, but the original on which it was based was meant to prey on the fears of small business owners. White, male, small business owners, in particular, whose employees were preventing them from being rich and successful (what with their basic human needs and all. Bums, all of 'em!). Anyway, from RW#7, 1996:

Shit-canning your employees legally

Dear Executive,

Let's not beat around the bush here, you're the boss. Nobody's gonna tell you what to do. No, sir. You've got the old lady at home to do that and probably a couple of ingrate kids too. Yeah, sure you do. So in your business, you don't need to take any shit from your subordinates.

Problem is, in these politically correct times, Worker Rights have gotten out of control. What with Affirmative Action and Sex Discrimination suits popping up like pounds on your wife's fat butt, somebody's nuts are getting crunched and I don't have to tell you who those belong to, but that doesn't mean you can't fight those that wish they could be served to them what you had to go out and earn. So unless you're a bleeding heart liberal or an old school communist, please read on.

Once upon a time in this once great country, our system was set up so that a man could hire and fire as he saw fit. Certain parties (Democrats mostly) have seen to it that even the lowliest slacker on the totem pole is guaranteed full pay and full benefits while you do all the work. It used to be that if a person of, let's say Hispanic descent, wasn't picking his fair share of oranges from the groves, you could sack that man. Nowadays, you do that and you get slapped with a discrimination lawsuit that'll bust your balls and break your bank. I don't have to tell you that this takes food out of your kids mouths.

Unless you're "mentally challenged," you've probably figured out that this is something we feel very strongly about at the National Institute of Businesses Under Siege. The good news for you is, you are not powerless. NIMBUS has produced a series of highly informative, business management brochures that enable us to enable you in your fight. Remember, what we have, we earned, let's hold onto it.

Here are just a few of the topics covered in our first brochure.


• How to put the fear of god into your employees
• Rewarding good subordinates without forking over the dough
• Tried and true threats to motivate staffers
• Crushing the will of the over-enthusiastic go-getter
• How to take care of the squeaky wheel without giving up the grease
• How to light a fire under an underachievers ass


This is any employer's dream guide for sidestepping liability.

• How to make ambiguous sexual references that will hold up in any sexual harassment suit
• How to persuade an hysterical woman out of a lawsuit
• How to break a contract legally
• When 'no' means 'yes'
• When race and gender discrimination is ok
• Legal reasons for not hiring handicapped people
• Legal roadblocks in promotion and demotion controversies
• What you don't have to tolerate from union activists, organizers and other nut balls
• How to keep OSHA off your ass
• When a gift becomes a bribe

Every manager or business owner worth his salt has his own tried and true cardinal rules. NIMBUS brochure number three, can help you reinforce those beliefs with some of our own. Here is just a sample of what you'll find inside brochure number three.


• Open your mouth and your wallet cautiously
• Women, wind and luck soon change
• Fortune smiles and then betrays
• If you must lie, be brief
• Always draw the snake from the hole with another man's hand

We want to think of our employees as human beings with feelings and emotions. We don't want to to think of them as simple, mindless work drones. Sometimes this is not possible to pull off and stay out of the red. It is important, however, that you appear to be compassionate and understanding. This is where NIMBUS brochure number four can help:

BROCHURE #4: I Understand

• What is an acceptable grieving period for employees who have lost loved ones
• How to appear sympathetic, attentive and as if you are actually listening to employee grievances
• What you don't have to do for pregnant workers
• Video monitoring: affordable, legal, smart
• Subtle implications or outright aggressive threats; what works when
• Whose on drugs? Read the signs
• How many times a day should you remind your underlings just who in the hell is the friggin' boss anyways

You are no doubt wondering how much we charge for this unprecedented plethora of valuable information. How about nothing at all? How does that sound to you?

If you said it sounds good, you should stop reading right now. This country was not founded on the whole something-for-nothing system that liberals have turned it into. Any good businessman knows a good investment when he sees it and this is a good investment. We won't insult you by giving you free advice. So for the low price of just four dollars (a month, for a year) we'll send you this set of four important brochures that will change the way you treat your employees for the life of your business.

Mark Guggen
NIMBU President

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

VIDEO: Cave "Shikaakwa"


There was a bit of a British Invasion going on in the mid '90s with all sorts of cheeky British geezers breaking big on our shores. Oasis was the biggest of the lot. Brash, arrogant, unaware, this was my answer to all that rubbish. From RW#7, 1996:


Now You See Them, Soon You Won't

Interviewed by JOEY GERM

Do you know why we Americans love British Rockers so much? Well do you? Is it because they're cocky, arrogant, bastards? No. Is it because of their syrupy, poppy, Britpop, pop music, pop? Nope. Could it be that they piss us off? Yeah, we like limey rockers 'cause they piss us off. The latest British sensation to barely dent this nation's music charts is the Manchester quartet, Mirage. The arrogance of this band, in spite of their mediocre talent, would seem to be their only appeal. Believing this to be true, we sent ace Wiglar reporter, Joey T. Germ, to a recent Mirage concert at the Budweiser Memorial Riverfront Stadium in St. Louis to chat with the lads, and nobody dislikes the English more than Joey Germ, except maybe the French.

RW: Hey guys, Joey Germ, Reglar Wiglar, I'm here for the interview.

Joel: Hullo?

Brad: Good day to you, sir. Would you care for a spot of tea?

Joel: We've got scones. Would you care for a scone?

RW: Thanks. You know, I've never had a scone before.

Nick: I'm sorry mate, but you're Joey who? From what deli?

Peter: Did you bring my chips? My frenchies, not those flat round things.

RW: I'm Joey Germ, your manager set up an interview with my magazine . . . The Reglar Wiglar.


Peter: (whispering) It's the Yankee Press, mates.

Nick: Err, yeah, roight. Listen you twat, if you think we've got time to lay around and chat with the likes of a silly ninny like you who writes for some crappy two pence music magazine that nobody reads . . . well, we've got a couple minutes then.

RW: Jeez, for a second there I thought you guys were gonna be cool and nobody was gonna have to get their ass kicked.

Nick: If you don't mind, mate, if we could get this interview underway, being this obnoxious for an extended period of time really drains me creative energy.

RW: Ok, then. Seems like you guys are in some kind of musical battle with your fellow countrymen, Blemish. Has there always been that kind of rivalry between British bands or just ones that are trying to cash in on retro trends?

Peter: Wankers, all of 'em.

Nick: We're a bunch of geezers and they're a bunch of bloody silly twats now aren't they?

RW: I don't know

Peter: Well, believe us mate, they're a bunch of silly twats and wankers.

RW: I gather then that you guys aren't a bunch of silly twats and wankers 'cause being an American I'm having a hard time drawing a distinction here.

Nick: We're geezers and they're silly twats.

RW: And for that you hate each other?

Peter: 'At's roight. We didn't grow up having our bums wiped for us like that lot did.

Nick: I never had me bum wiped for me.

Peter: Maybe up to a certain age, but not after I was out of me diapers that's for bloody sure.

RW: So you guys had it pretty rough growing up in working class Britain then?

Nick: You better bloody believe we did. What we had we had to nick from the rich.

Peter: I remember back when we was little nippers, Nick had to nick our knickers.

Nick: 'At's roight, I forgot about that, I had to nick our britches, our Mum was so poor. That's why we got the attitudes we got, 'cause we had to nick our britches 'cause our Mum was so poor.

RW: You guys have been sued several times for ripping off other peoples' melodies and using them on your own records and then putting your names on the song writing credits. Can you tell me about that?

Peter: Yeah, there 'ave been lawsuits but wot the fock? Musicians always borrow from other artists. There's nuthin' wrong with 'at is there? If I hear a catchy melody on the radio or on the telly and I want to use it in one of my own ditties then where's the 'arm in 'at, eh?

RW: Yeah, but a Pringle's jingle? How could a potato chip commercial inspire you to write a rock song?

Nick: First of all, mate, I fockin' love Pringles awroight? Secondly, it's a catchy bloody song now init? Thirdly, in Britain it ain't about rock, it's about the hook and the melody. It's about pop.

Peter: That's what you Yanks don't get. You try to destroy the melody. You massacre it with distortion and noise. Bloody fockin' garbage the lot of it and then you fail to see the beauty in a little ditty 'bout a chip.

RW: Why didn't you rip off a soda 'pop' commercial then?

Peter: We thought about 'at.

Nick: Better lawyers Pepsi's got, 'aven't they?

RW: Somethin' to think about for your next album. It has also been widely publicized that your band has a fondness for drugs, especially cocaine, and that your appetite for illicit drugs is something you're quite vocal about.

Peter: I love me drugs mate. Love 'em. love 'em, love, love 'em, love.

RW: What kind of drugs are you into?

Nick: What kind of drugs are we into? Hmm, let me think. We like whizz, skag, draw, eckies and the lot like that.

Peter: We do drugs constantly.

RW: Cool, you got any on you right now?

Peter: Sorry mate, ain't got no drugs. Not roight now.

Nick: Were gonna get some though.

Peter: Yeah, we gotta talk to this one guy.

Nick: Yeah, this one guy is gonna get us some.

Peter: Later though. Sorry.

RW: Nick and Peter, since you two seem to be the only band members allowed to talk let me ask you—

Peter: It's not that Joel and Brad aren't allowed to talk, Joey, it's just that they 'ave a real 'ard time comin' off as being loutish and rude and it just don't mix well with the loutish and rude image we got.

RW: I see. I just wanted to ask you and Nick about the sibling rivalry between you two. What about the family feuds you two have had on and off stage?

Peter: Well, they all start out innocently enough. Nick might miss a change in a song and come in a couple of measures late and consequently I'll have to walk over and give him a good swift kick in his arse.

Nick: Roight, and sometime Peter will start a song so bloody fast and completely out of time that I'll 'ave to slap him in his silly balding 'ead.

Peter: Roight, and another example would be that time when Nick's microphone wasn't working during our performance on "Top of the Pops" and in the middle of the song Nick walks over and takes me microphone. Consequently, I 'ad to wrap the microphone cord 'round his bleeding neck and start choking the cheeky bastard.

Nick: And when I caught you in the pub trying to shag my ex-wife, I had to break that fockin' bottle of ale o'er your friggin' 'ead. Fifty-three stitches you got, eh?

Peter: I think 'at's roight, sib.

RW: Well guys, it's been a pleasure chatting with you all, but I got to catch a bus. Sorry I won't be able to stick around and see your show but there's a one hour episode of "Friends" on tonight, so I gotta run.

Brad: Thanks for stopping by, mate. Sorry you couldn't stay.

Joel: It was a pleasure chatting with you.

Nick: Hey mate, what publication did you day you write for? Was it Spin or Rolling Stone? Not that we give a bloody fock,you understand.

RW: The Reglar Wiglar.

Nick: Oh, roight. Send us a copy of the interview then if you would. Not that we buy into any of that crap, or care what you write 'bout us, you know.

RW: Sure. See yah. God Save the Queen.

Sunday, September 22, 2013


From RW#6, 1995.
Move on, people, there's nothing to see here.

Researched by Joey Germ

We all have our favorite rock stars; singers with whom we identify, feel a certain affinity towards, musicians whose music we turn to in our times of need. They comfort us and give us hope. Who we chose as our role models often tells us a little something about ourselves and what kind of people we are. Who is your favorite rock icon? If it's one of the following, you might find out a little something about yourself that you may or may not have already known.

You are strong and confident yet sensitive and sometimes reclusive. You have always been driven to create and perform but you are sometimes embarrassed and withdrawn when your artistic achievements are recognized. You find that you are forced to play a game you don't feel comfortable in. Ahh, thanks for not making videos.

Your are just a normal, middling, average, every day, run of the mill, genuine, down to earth, nice, ordinary, complacent, boring, nonconfrontational, nice, regular, nice guy. A guy's guy. A golf guy. A golf guy's guy.

Most people find you annoying and unattractive despite your best intentions of appearing talented and alluring. You wonder about your significance on this planet and also find yourself worrying that people might forget you in a couple of—

You have a lot to communicate and go through different mediums to do this. You are very driven, some might say you are a workaholic. What you lack in talent you more than make up for in sheer ambition. You have the tendency to be a big cheesy ham.

You are very self-righteous and assertive. You have found that being a woman with power and opinions is often perceived as being vain and pushy. You are not afraid to show your pain or even sell a little bit of it. You have a volatile temperament and a good right hook. You're scary.

You need to start looking for a new rock singer to identify with ASAP.

Sunday, September 08, 2013

MUSIC REVIEW: Scout Niblett

It’s Up to Emma [Drag City]

Scout Niblett sought solace in Rollins Band for her seventh full-length, It’s Up to Emma. That’s not necessarily evident from the music. It’s more of a spiritual kinship and the drawing of strength and inspiration. Catharsis, as it were. It’s Up to Emma, (Emma being Ms. Niblett's real first name) is a nine song dissection of a relationship gone all crumbly and awry. Very crumbly and very horribly awry. Each song on the record seems to beg a different question of how, why and what the fuck? There’s accusation, revelation, venom, confusion, wishful thinking and heartache all wrapped up in a handful of bare bones rock songs delivered with short stabs of pain and then longer stabs of anguish. There’s not much joy to be found here unless you find joy in being bummed out. "Gun" is a menacing tune that promises the threat of a revenge served hot and steaming straight out of the barrel of a gun. Like most of the tracks, “My Man” is sparse, just guitar, some strings and Scout asking, "Could we have made it somehow?” Probably not is probably the answer. “Could This Possibly Be?” is another questioning tune in which the answer this time is, yes. "Second Chance Dreams” starts off gently enough only to have the anger simmer over in Scout’s acutely enunciated syllables, which then get underlined by a martial snare drum. “No Scrubs” is that “No Scrubs” with Scout straight up calling out homeboys for their overall lack of flyness. This is a record of someone dealing with some shit, going through some shit and feeling pretty shitty, but once it's out, then it's really over. One would hopeChris Auman


Question: Why do punk rockers hang out at the mall?
Answer: 'Cause they hate it.

From RW#5, 1995


There was a reason for this band parody, but that reason escapes me now, much as it escaped everyone else at the time. I reused this photocopied band photo a few times in previous issues, as you can see from the poor quality. For those especially observant readers, yes, that is Beck and the Lawrence Brothers. You're welcome.

Painters or Small Motors Repairmen?

Interview by JOEY GERM

Unless you've been lying under a rock cliché for the past three years, you've heard of the Urge and it's probably Phair to say that you've had some Veruca Salt in your Pumpkin pie. You've no doubt read Bill Wyman's "Hitsville" column in the Reader and have consulted his charts and graphs illustrating and predicting the fate of local talents, and I'll bet that you think you're down with the local music scene, but Joey Germ is here to tell you to forget all that. That was just a primer for the final coat, and the final coat is Weenis! Weenis are slated to be the next big thing to blow out of the Windy City and they're more than ready to paint you a musical picture with their punchy guitar sounds and vibrant pop hooks and a metaphor gone horribly awry. 

Weenis is:   
Jon: guitar/vocals 
Kevin: drums

JG: How long have you guys been together? You look pretty young.

Jon: Age has nothing to do with music. You can be pretty young in years and still make mature music.

Brett: That seems to be a hang-up of the music press. They concentrate on how young we look and not on our music which is more important to us.

JG: Really, how old are you guys?

Jon: I'm the oldest, I'm twenty, but emotionally I'm twenty-five, which is where my music comes from.

Brett: My body is eighteen years old, but mentally and musically I'm twenty-three. I'll be twenty-four next month.

Kevin: I'm eighteen, artistically nineteen.

JG: How 'bout you Pete, what are your ages?

Peter: I'm pretty much nineteen all around.

JG: So you guys are the current Chicago buzz band, the next big thing, the flavor of the month, the current media darlings, the spotlight is on you, the pressure is on, etc. How is that affecting your lives.

Jon: We don't let the media hype bother us. I mean, what does it mean to be a buzz band?

JG: It means that you've gotten a lot of exposure and a lot of press, most of it positive or at least hopeful that you guys will get signed by a major label and break into the national market with a couple of hit singles and a record that the kids run out to buy in droves?

Jon: No, I know what it means to be a buzz band, but what does it mean, you know?

JG: Oh. No, I don't know.

Jon: It's like we're just artists you know? We just want to do what we do and make a career out of it and earn a living off of it.

Brett: A very comfortable living off of it.

Jon: Just 'cause we're young, people question our ability as musicians.

Kevin: That and the fact that we haven't put out a record yet.

JG: What about the RoosterCow single?

Jon: Oh, that. That doesn't count.

JG: Why not?

Jon: RoosterCow is a couple of schmucks in a run down apartment eating ramin noodles and making phone calls and that is not what an independent label is anymore.

Brett: They don't even have interns for god's sake. That's gross.

JG: So you guys have, reportedly, some pretty serious major label interest.

Jon: Jeez, the rumors that you hear, it's funny. Do you mind telling me where you heard that?

JG: That's what you told me on the phone yesterday.

Jon: Right. Actually, we have about six, maybe seven labels interested in us at this time.

JG: Are you at liberty to discuss who these labels might be?

Jon: Ah, no actually we really can't say on record. Off record, sure, but not on record.

JG: Hey, that's cool, the tape recorders off, man, you can tell me. Joey Germ's word is gold. Ask anyone . . . except my old lady, don't ask her.

Jon: OK, let's see, there's RCA, Columbia, A&M, DGC, Epic, Sony and Motown.

JG: Motown?

Jon: Yeah, they're looking to tap into the alternative rock market.

JG: That's sick.

Jon: Yeah, but we're just talking at this point.

Brett: No matter where we sign the dotted line, it's important to us that we maintain creative control over our projects.

JG: Q101 really latched on to the RoosterCow single, is that what sparked major label interest?

Brett: Q101 likes to think they "made us" just because they put the single into "saturation rotation" and now they think that we've got to kiss their ass. They're wrong. Granted, it is my favorite radio station and I listen to it constantly.

Jon: And you gotta admit, it is thee best station in Chicago to hear groundbreaking alternative rock music, but fuck them if they think we owe them anything.

JG: What about RoosterCow, do you still have a relationship with them?

Jon: RoosterCow, first of all let me just say that the people at RoosterCow are great. We love them to death and they're really, really good friends of ours. Honestly, I mean that. It's just that we've grown as musicians. Our sound has grown, our following has grown, basically we've outgrown them. We're professionals and we're just simply ending a professional relationship. Our people were talking to their people about doing another "indie release" but it doesn't look like it will be on RoosterCow.

Brett: Well, one major label we're talking to has offered to either buy out an already existing indie label or create a new indie label so that we can do another single.

JG: But if all these labels are trying to sign you guys, why do you want to do an indie release?

Brett: Looks good on a resume.

Jon: Indie credibility is an integral party of alternative music. Some bands think they don't have to pay their dues, that they can just skip the Indie Label Single and jump headfirst into the Major Label Debut. I guess that's fine for some bands, but that's not what Weenis is about. Weenis is not about selling out.

Brett: Exactly, you can't fool Gen-X kids, but a couple of well calculated indie releases and then a major label debut? That's the way to go.

Jon: That way you've got your pre-major label fans who you can take with you to the majors, then you got your kids who buy the indie record and then hate you once the major label comes out, but they have to buy it first and listen to it once before they can say it sucks. Then you got your Q101 audience and those fuckers will buy anything if you play it enough. It's ridiculous. It's certainly a win-win situation.

JG: Let's talk about your music.

Jon: We like to paint pictures with our music.

JG: Excuse me?

Peter: We're not really musicians, we're painters, we paint pictures.

JG: Wait a minute, I thought you guys were a band.

Jon: We are.

JG: But you're painters too.

Jon: No, not in the sense that we physically paint pictures on canvas but we paint pictures with our music. We use our instruments much in the same way that a painter uses a paint brush, using sound like a painter uses colors and the recording studio is our canvas.

Brett: No, the recording studio is our painting studio, remember? The canvas is the tape.

Jon: Our sound is the canvas.

Brett: No, that's the painting on the canvas. I thought we covered all this.

JG: OK, if you guys could do me one favor at this point, could you please stop saying shit like "we paint pictures with our music," you make music with your music and even that's been subject to some debate.

Kevin: The whole "we paint pictures with our music" thing was Jon's idea.

Jon: Hey, fuck you, at least I didn't come up with the "We do small motor repair with our music."

JG: I've had a chance to listen to your demo and I would have to say that you'll probably simply annoy people with your music, but hey, this is not a demo review this is an interview . . . or it was.

Kevin: I'm sorry if you can't grasp the symbolism in small motor repair, Jon.

Jon: There is no symbolism in small motor repair, Kevin.

Kevin: You are so close-minded for someone who's twenty-five years old emotionally.

Jon: Yeah, well for someone who's artistically nineteen, you sure don't act like it.

Kevin: Anyway, in my own opinion, I think Weenis makes music much in the same way that a small motor repairman fixes little motors: with a steady, confident hand and a squinting eye. Our instruments are our tools in achieving that and the smaller the motor the more skill required in fixing that motor.

JG: How small are these motors that you guys fix with your music?

Peter: Are we small motor repairmen now or are we painters?

JG: Keep in mind that it doesn't really matter to anyone reading this.

Peter: OK, then to answer your question, we hope by the end of our careers, to have fixed some very small motors, possibly as small as the motors you might fin in one of those flying model airplanes.

Brett: Do hair dryers have motors.

Kevin: I would hope that we would at least be able to repair a hair dryer motor with the second record.

JG: I think you guys are struggling with a lawn mower motor myself and that's a fairly big motor as far as small motors go.

Kevin: We could fix a lawn mower motor after our first seven inch single, but I respect your opinion.

JG: Is there anything else you guys want to add before I get the hell out of here as fast as I can?

Brett: Yeah, I would just like to make it clear that Weenis isn't going to be just another "one hit wonder" that you're gonna see on some "Rocking to the 90s" compilation on late night tv down the line. We fully intend on being around for awhile. Weenis is here to stay.

JG: And if this whole thing does blow over and Weenis does pop and fizzle and fade away into obscurity?

Kevin: I can't speak for anyone else but I'll be doing small motor repair, but much in the same way that a musician makes music.

JG: Got it.


Just a few reviews from RW#5, 1995. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Design by Pet Baby
Pop Goes the Vambo 7" (OFF-White)
Yet another fine OFF-White release. This little baby slipped under the Wiglar door in the form of a cassette at thee last possible minute; no cover, no song names, no nuthin' except the promise that it would soon be pressed into tasty little seven inch records with individually silk-screened jackets. Well, let me just say one thing, it had damn well better, 'cause I get paid in product, not promises. Four songs recorded live to four track in the basement of the OFF-White House where a lot of young talent has been layin' down the rock lately. I like it. You can almost smell the excitement. Kids with sweaty brows and fiery burning eyes and booze, lot's of booze. Yeah! I guess I could call the OFF-White office and confirm the release date, but naaaah—J. Germ

Nuts and Balls (Mind of a Child)
I love just about everything about this record. It's a ten inch on clear vinyl. It's solid pop rock that's just deliberately fucked up enough to be weird pop rock. They hit all the wrong notes, it's great. I sort of had to promise fellatio to Mind of a Child to get this record as I could not find it locally. They told me that someday, perhaps I will be called upon to fulfill that promise. I think I'm contractually obligated by law, after all it is an oral contract—J. Germ

Devil Rock cassette (RoosterCow)
I feel downright evil listening to this tape. The Devil has been at work on these fellahs that's for damned sure. The first track "The Devil is Pleased" sent chills right down my Catholic spine. Evil "Johnny" fared no better and the last track, "Death & Destruction"... Guys, please, it's not that bad, OK? I don't know when Satan got cool again but fuck it, I'm still down with Jesus, man. Forget this Devil Rock shit. Oh, I almost forgot to say in this review; Team Satan put the evil in devil. No wait, they put the D on Evil thus making Devil. No, they put the D in Devil. That makes more sense. Bye—Muggsy McMurphy

Saturday, September 07, 2013


From RW#6, 1995. Parody of one of those stoopid art tests you use to get in the mail. Pretty self-explanatory, I suppose.

Tuesday, September 03, 2013


Hello, Uptown! Gutted, fenced-in apartment buildings guarded by angry dogs, deranged street people. The Wooden Nickel and the (old) Saxony Lounge. Fresh human excrement awaiting early morning commuters on the steps of the Wilson el platform. Could Starbucks be far off? No.

RW#6, 1995

A lot has transpired here at the Reglar Wiglar in these many months past. There has been a lot of soul searching amongst the staff, a lot of spiritual journeys taken. A couple people got shit-canned. All par for the course in the heavy-hitting, no-holds-barred, take-no-prisoners kind of journalism that we aspire to here at the Reglar Wiglar. It's a rough-neck, cut-throat, backstabbing business this paper business we find ourselves slashing through day in and day out. Just last week I had to fire Joey Germ's kind-hearted old grandmother for pilfering out of the whiskey fund. That shit doesn't fly around here. Take it to New City for god's sake, we're trying to run a "freebie" here, not some charity for aging alcoholics.

The most recent development has been a move for us. That's right, we lost our lease—lost our lease, got evicted, you know, whatever. Bottom line is we had to get the hell out of the area. Since being forcibly moved from our comfortable headquarters on scenic Western Avenue, we have secured a suitable substitute to serve as the basis of our operations: a quiet and spacious alcove tucked into a tree-lined street of a clean and courteous north side neighborhood (gang disputes are settled by ten o'clock on school nights.

The move itself brought about substantial change as well as growth. A new trash can was purchased for the northwest corner of the office so that the garbage needs to be taken out less frequently than in the past. Muggsy McMurphy's desk has been moved closer to the door so his co-workers don't have to smell him as he comes and goes and Malcolm Tent's long and hard fought battle for toilet paper cozies for the employee bathroom ended in a concession on management's part. (They really do look nice.)

Some things have stayed the same, however. Complaints, for example, still fall on deaf ears as do requests for raises. Hints at certain people's resignations were again unheeded as the attempt to get some new blood (lower salaries) into the ball game was once again aborted. Big heads remain inflated, their egos constantly being self-fed bullshit to sate their voracious appetites. A thesaurus was procured as well.

Other than that, for you nostalgia buffs, here's the same old bullshit.


Monday, September 02, 2013

Toxic Avenger Soundtrack "Is This Love"

Why? Why Not?

VIDEO: Lazy, "Party City"


A spoof of TV Guide's weekly "Cheers & Jeers" column as pertaining to the state of Alternative Music (and the local media's perception thereof) in 1995. From RW#5, 1995:

COMICS REVIEW: Henry & Glen Forever & Ever #2

Henry & Glen Forever & Ever #2
(I Will Destroy You/Microcosm)
Various Artists

It seems as though the saga of Henry and Glenn has sparked somewhat of an indie cottage industry. There are Henry and Glenn t-shirts, stickers and posters commemorating the comics union of these two punk rock icons. The series has even inspired imitations, like gross out pro, Johnny Ryan, who threw his whip into the ring with a comic in Vice titled “Mark and Gary Forever” featuring Devo’s Mark Mothersbaugh and the synth fiend Gary Numan staring as a not-so-ambiguously-gay duo. For the uninitiated, Henry & Glenn Forever & Ever is the further adventures in a comics compilation depicting Henry Rollins (Black Flag, Rollins Band) and Glenn Danzig (Misfits, Samhain, Danzig) as gay lovers. Before you roll your eyes (which you are certainly justified in doing), it should be noted that these comics take the joke outside and beyond the juvenile level of dirty pictures drawn on notebook paper during 12th grade history class (I wasn't the only one who did that, right?). In fact, the joke is getting funnier. Can Hank Rollins take a joke? He’s getting better at it. Can Glenn Danzig? Nah. In a 2011 interview with Nardwaur the Human Serviette, Rollins warned us of such. Henry says he believes in the 1st Amendment but, while he admits to autographing copies for fans, he's never read one. He surmises that Glenn is not a fan. Does that make this all the more guilty of a pleasure? Yes, yes it does.
In this second issue of the series curated by Tom Neely and Igloo Tornado, Neely starts us off with “Children of the Grave” which depicts Glenn as a satanic superhero who must battle his demonic mother in monster form. Neely also apes the Sunday funnies style of Nancy and Sluggo in chapter two of a story line which again has Danzig dealing with mommy issues. Ian Mackaye (Minor Threat, Fugazi) makes an appearance as a Sluggo-type bully and Glenn’s mom looks like she could count Archie and Jughead among her progeny. Other recurring characters are Hall & Oates as neighborly satanists. Why? Why not is the obvious answer here.
Next, Mark Rudolph gives us “How the Chores Kill” which features mostly Glenn performing Herculean labors at the request of Johnny Cash and Roy Orbison. (Glenn seems to be the focus of the comics a little more than Henry.) Josh Bayer turns in “Same Time Next Year” which follows the budding friendship of the pair starting in 1982 with a stop in 2013 and a glimpse into the wasteland that is sure to be 2038. Andy Belanger, Katie Skelly and Tom Scioli provide pinups of our heroes at the tail end of the book.
When will the joke get stale? Who knows? These characters seem to have taken on lives of their own. They never really were based on reality in the first place, so the fact that they're based on real life cultural icons is incidental at this point. It’s just an entertaining comics series and Henry and Glenn aren't powerful enough to stop the antics of their comics counterparts anyway. A third installment is already in the works so: That’s not all folks!Chris Auman