Friday, February 22, 2008

The White Strokes

From Reglar Wiglar #17, 2002

WARNING: May be a little dated, sorry.

The White Strokes

"It's a long way," said Bon Scott, "to the top, if you wanna rock and roll." But YOU are not New York City's The White Strokes, suddenly the most acclaimed new rock group since Weenis. Gangster rappers may brag hyperbolic about their wealth, but the White Strokes keep it real, The White Strokes are really, actually rich people. Filthy, stinking rich people. And they didn't get that way from working hard and catching a few lucky breaks in the rock world. They were born that way.

Soggy Sprinkles caught up with The White Strokes lead singer J. Pierpont Morgan IV to find out what's up.

RW: J.P., there's a lot of hype, buzz and media whoop-de-doo surrounding your band. People are also talking out on the streets, in the clubs, etc. The lines for your concerts wrap around the block. Why do you think people are so ga-ga over the White Strokes.

J.P.M.IV: Because people are fucking stupid. Because people will love what they're told to love. And the fact that we're a pretty cool looking group of guys helps too.

RW: Now come on, you've got to give people a little more credit that that.

J.P.M.IV: No, I don't. I'll admit that there may be some redeeming facet to our music. I mean, we write the songs ourselves, we play our own instruments and all that, but who cares? It all comes down to a fashion show. We're really not any different from the Backstreet Boys as far as the cold calculation of our public image is concerned.

RW: The Backstreet Boys!? Now you can't possibly be saying--

J.P.M.IV: It's exactly the same, We saw our target audience and we made sure they knew about us, where to find us, and what they would get in return for buying into our thing. It all should seem pretty obvious to anyone who pays attention to this sort of thing.

RW: But your music sounds to me like it comes from the heart, and you guys really kick ass live. Are you saying the whole thing's a put-on, that your fans are a bunch of dopes?

J.P.M.IV: No, no, no, I love--we all, all of us in the band, we love music, and this is what we want to do with our lives, but struggling to be heard, riding around in a little van, carrying our own guitar cases? Thanks, but no thanks, you know what I'm saying? I don't want to end up like the The Woodrows , geniuses that they are, they're poor as fucking dirt. Look, I was born with twenty-five million of my own dollars in the bank, I can have whatever I want. I want to be in a successful rock band. So, we each borrowed a couple of million against our trust funds and hired a high-powered marketing firm to make it happen. And I know that people think that's a dishonest approach, but I'm not hiding anything. I'm right here saying that the reason people like me is that I paid somebody to get people to like me. If they don't like that, fine. They can go see Mirage or Honky MC or whatever, I don't care.

RW: Where'd your families money come from?

J.P.M.IV: Well, everybody should know who my great grandfather was, and if they don't they should be ashamed of themselves, but my grandfather lost all the money. Luckily my dad brought it all back.

RW: What did he do?

J.P.M.IV: He holds the patent for crack cocaine.

RW: Sweeeeet!

J.P.M.IV: (chuckling) Yeah, for every ounce of crack that's sold in America he gets a nickel. It is pretty sweet. It adds up. A lot of people are hooked on that stuff.

Mike Wing: I just want to say that I think that what these kids are doing with the music and the stardom and the glamour is great. Who cuts your hair, if you don't mind me asking?

J.P.M.IV: I get it done in Paris by this woman named Noelle.

Mike Wing: Awesome, thanks. Say, are you going to finish your caviar?

J.P.M.IV: No, dude, you can have it. I've got more in my limo.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Lil' Dirty Bastard


Interviewed by Soggy Sprinkes

Lil' Dirty Bastard is the latest sensation in the topsy-turvy world of pre-adolescent hip hop. With three platinum albums, numerous music and video awards, and a sold-out tour (which he co-headlined with Honky MC Jr. to his credit), Lil' Dirty Bastard is ready to take it to the next level. We visited him in his gold-plated crib to find out about his movie career, new fashion line and what he thinks about biters.

RW: You just dropped your latest album, Chillin' in the Crib, to much critical acclaim, and your latest single, "This Lil' Bastard" was the song of the summer. Look Whose Rappin', a film you wrote, directed, and starred in, has grossed $275 million, and is about to be released in twenty foregin countries. You won the Palm d'Or at Cannes, and even money says you'll win at least a few Oscars. That's in addition to all your Grammys and awards from MTV, BET, and the PTA. Whats' the secret to your success?

LDB: Goo goo, ga ga.

RW: Interesting. You're quite a trendsetter and you recently introduced your own clothing line, which is called Mack Baby. What can you tell us about that?

LDB: Bbbbbbllllle. Ahhh. Heeeheee.

RW: Ha! Yeah, the silk jammies are pretty dope. Now, a lot of people have copied your style. How does it make you feel, when you're out for a stroll, to see so many other kids rockin the pacifiers and the Gucci?

LDB: Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!

RW: President Bush is a big fan of your music. He says that your song, "Peek-A-Boo-Ya" is his favorite. He recently invited you to perform it at the White House, but you declined the invitation. Why?

LDB: (poops in pants)

RW: Uh oh! I guess we should wind this up so you can get changed. Anything you'd like to add?

LDB: Gggul, goo goo ga vvvvvv, mmmmmm. Hmmmm, gagagagagaga na. Eeeh fafa goo. Goo.

RW: All right. Say, are you going to finish your mashed bananas?

LDB: (falls asleep)