Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Birds in Albany Park are Sloppy, Fat & Out of Control

There I said it. Now all you bird lovers can go ahead and persecute me. I don't care. The truth is that I have been feeding these ingrates for a month and all they do is shit on my porch. They're already so fat they can barely fly and they somehow managed to get the top off the bird feeder which was empty anyway, but they couldn't figure that out because they're also stupid.

I'm sticking with the squirrels from now on.

The Dictionary According to Rumsfeld

One would think that the man who never sits would have enough to occupy his time without inventing new phrases for things that don't quite go as planned. The man who reintroduced the word "slog" into our lexicon and who popularized the technique of self interrogation, had a brainstorm this past weekend, probably after feeling the effects of a turkey-fueled, tryptopane-induced stupor (Do I need more stuffing? No. Do I want more stuffing? Yes. Am I going to have more stuffing? Absolutely.)

Not satisfied with his failed attempt to transform the War on Terror into the absurdly long, "global struggle against violent extremism" (yeah, give Bush more words to misremember), Rummy would now prefer it if we would all please call the "insurgents" in Iraq, "enemies of the legitimate Iraqi government" (gotta throw 'legitimate" in there because saying it makes it so. It also makes it clunkier, and more awkward thus guaranteeing that no one will use it).

Rumsfeld argues that calling these Iraqis (formerly known as insurgents), "enemies of the legitimate Iraqi government" (whew) gives them "more legitimacy than they seem to merit." I guess the logic being that calling something by a different name will eliminate the problem and thus end the insurgency just like how Fox News ended "suicide bombings" by renaming them "homicide bombings."

Of course, this turning out of phrases means that we can't call it an insurgency anymore. Is it a beef? No, that's too East Coast/West Coast gangsta'. Is it a gripe? No, still sounds too legit. Shit. Well, whatever it was called it's called something else now. It's still a long, hard slog though.

Ideas for Soft Targets album titles

Will The Real Soft Targets Please Stand Up?
Soft Targets Get Bombed
There Are But One Soft Targets
Hardly Workin'

Thursday, November 24, 2005

T-Day, amen.

Thanksgiving Day, Nov. 28, 1986
by William S. Burroughs
For John Dillinger
In hope he is still alive

Thanks for the wild turkey and the Passenger Pigeons, destined to be shit out through wholesome American guts --

thanks for a Continent to despoil and poison --

thanks for Indians to provide a modicum of challenge and danger --

thanks for vast herds of bison to kill and skin, leaving the carcass to rot --

thanks for bounties on wolves and coyotes --

thanks for the AMERICAN DREAM to vulgarize and falsify until the bare lies shine through --

thanks for the KKK, for nigger-killing lawmen feeling their notches, for decent church-going women with their mean, pinched, bitter, evil faces --

thanks for "Kill a Queer for Christ" stickers --

thanks for laboratory AIDS --

thanks for Prohibition and the War Against Drugs --

thanks for a country where nobody is allowed to mind his own business --

thanks for a nation of finks -- yes,

thanks for all the memories... all right, let's see your arms... you always were a headache and you always were a bore --

thanks for the last and greatest betrayal of the last and greatest of human dreams.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Ode To A Nugget (An Ode)

A classical Greek poem modeled on the choric ode and usually having a three-part stucture consisting of a strophe, an antistrophe, and an epode.


crispy and golden


processed chicken meat


a delicious snack

Ode To A Nugget (A Haiku Poem)

crispy and golden
processed chicken meat
a delicious snack

(I'm a poet and I am aware of it)