Monday, February 23, 2009

Bastige Von Curr's Tips on Proper Phone Etiquette

Counter Service

Whether you are ordering a hamburger from a fast-food restaurant or simply buying an energy drink at your corner convenience mart, it's totally ok to be blabbing on your cell phone the entire time. If the counter person or clerk actually has the gall to try to ask you a question while you're on the phone, or to inform you of the price, you should be more than a little annoyed. Apologize to whomever it is you are talking: "I'm sorry could you hold on a second? I have to give some a-hole my order." Your insipid conversation about nothing at all with your equally vacuous colleague trumps any conversation, transaction or interaction you may be having in the "real world."

The views of Bastige Von Curr, as right-on as they may be, do not reflect the views of the Reglar Wiglar, even though you would think they do since we are the ones publishing them in this forum, but you know, we gotta say they're not for some reason. At least this is what our lawyer, Jim Willy, Jr., Esq, has advised us to say.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

RNC Chair Steele: GOP Needs "Hip Hop" Makeover "Fa-shizzle"

From today's New York Times:
Newly elected Republican National Committee Chairman Michael S. Steele plans an “off the hook” public relations offensive to attract younger voters, especially blacks and Hispanics, by applying the party's principles to “urban-suburban hip-hop settings.”
"We are going to cut the capital gains tax in the next session, and if you've got a beef I will show you my Smith & Wesson, do you know what I am saying, beeeee-yotch!" Steele added. "Peep this, we need entitlement reform in this country because that shizzle is wack, and all of you all in the blame America first crowd, you are nothing but a bunch of player haters. We plan to bring this party to every corner, to every boardroom, to every neighborhood, to every community. I am not clowning. Peace, I am out."

Black Flag Hair. Warning: Pretty Rad

Monday, February 16, 2009

Friday, February 13, 2009

Happy Birthday Jerry Springer, Henry Rollins, Sigmar Polke, etc!

Simple as H**k!!

Friday the 13th!!!

by B.S. Brown

Greetings fellow movie buffs and cinematic connoisseurs. I am grateful for this opportunity to share with you my humble opinions of some of the latest theater releases. Remember, three years of film school doesn't make me an expert, it just makes me more qualified than you.

I Will Kill You Many Times
Directed by Charles Chinook; Screenplay by Randomword Choyce; Produced by Mickey Battaglia. An I Will Kill You Productions release. Running time: 80 minutes. Rating: R; language, sexual situations, decapitations.

The Cast

Jennie McFarlan...............................Jeannie McDugan
Bobby Baker................................................Ryan Judd
Joey Baker..................................................Peter Thane
Brenda Sue.............................................Peggy Jackson

If you only see one movie this summer, please, take my advice and avoid I Will Kill You Many Times. It's long, it's gaudy, it's overdone, tasteless, poorly directed, poorly acted and very overrated.

It wasn't surprised to be disappointed in this film. I was surprised to be disappointed in the actors (the director, Charles Chinook, is consistently disappointing so this came as no surprise). Jeanie McDugan, who plays the role of Jeanie McFarlan, has always been a fine actress. I have been following her career since it began five years ago with her first role in I Will Kill You. However, in this particular film (tenth in the series) her character came off as weak and tired. The name she carved out for herself in the Hollywood horror industry as the quintessential "helpless and submissive female" has been shamed by her current work in I Will Kill You Many Times. I used to think that Jeannie was the best screamer in the business. In her second feature role (I Will Kill You Many Twice), she screamed and shrieked so beautifully, it sent shivers down my spine. Her performance in this flop was truly embarrassing. When Frankie, the demented and mutated mass murderer, stabbed Jeannie in the eye with the fondue fork, she gave such a half hearted, luke warm yelp of pain that the immortal Freddy Krueger would have laughed his face off.

Frankie (who play himself) was equally disappointing. No one but Jason could wield an axe like Frankie could back in the day, yet in this movie I almost got the impression that he didn't even want to kill those school children. He even looked remorseful at having decapitated that elderly woman. I fear that our blood thirsty amigo may be getting a little soft.

I once felt that Jeannie McDugan and Frankie were the best acting duo in cinematic horror. These two thespians had the power to create big screen magic that both appalled and involved their audience. They were truly, and I say this without pretension, the Bogey and Bacall of low budget horror films.

As for the directing, jeeeeesh! I'm sure Charles Chinook was stewed to the gills for the majority of the filming. I went to undergrad school with Charles back East in the late 70s and believe me the only talent that man has is for sucking down whiskey sours until last call.

More bothered me about this movie that just the bad acting and directing. I got the feeling from this movie that it was rushed through, that they were on a tight budget and that the money just ran out. I got the impression that the producers only goal with this film was to compete in the sequels war and focus more on producing high qaulity horror movies that provide educational as well as cultural and philosophical ideals, and not just another splatter flick. Remember this is just one crusty old movie critics opinion (if you can call thirty-five old) but I think that filmakers today, more than ever, have not just a cinematic responsibility to their audiences, but a social responsibility as well. Horror films are excellent vehicles for promoting the kind of "Say NO to Drugs and Sex" values that we want to inflict upon our children (even though they never worked for our generation). Maybe I am getting old, but I don't appreciate the gratuitous sex scenes in this latest I Will Kill You film. I have a two year old and a three year old and I have to admit watching that rape scene with my kids in the theater was a little embarrassing. I think three or four scenes of full frontal nudity and kinky sexual situations is more than adequate for an eighty minute film. Anything more detracts form the plot and send the wrong message to our children. And the references to drugs? They have no place in 90s cinema. Cheech and Chong went up in smoke years ago. Sure, it's funny when Freddy asks Bobby Baker (Ryan Judd) if he wants to get "stoned" right before he drops a two ton rock on his head, but is this what we are trying to teach our children? Drugs are funny? Just drop the rock, Frankie, and save the snappy one liners for Andrew Dice Clay.

Hopefully, the next I Will Kill You film tentatively titled: I Will Kill You Many, Many Times will regain the integrity and pride lost in this film, but as Frankie once advised one of his drowning murder victims, "Don't hold your breath."


Monday, February 09, 2009

sssnakes!!! in Roctober

Everybody's favorite comic about snakes (called sssnakes!!! by Chris Auman) has a new installment in the latest issue of Roctober called "Roctober #46." Buy several copies today and pass them out to your friends.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Now that's more like it!

Dear Mr. Auman,

I've just finished reading your resume and let me tell you, I am very impressed. Everybody in the office is. You are exactly the type of employee we’ve been looking for: smart, creative, funny—you’re perfect! In fact, your resume started something of a skirmish between Human Resources and Management. We’ve been arguing all day. Not about whether or not to hire you, that was a no-brainer, (duh!), but we’ve been arguing about how much we’re going to pay you. $50K, $60K, $70K! Even one hundred thousand dollars per year does not seem so far-fetched given your extraordinary talents. So what do you say Mr. Auman, can we get you in here, at your convenience of course, and have you sign some papers?

Thank you for your time.


Margaret O’Connor
Human Resources
Giganta Corporation

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Hotties of 80s Sitcoms: Marissa Tomei

1987 was the year when young Marissa graduated from As the World Turns to a much Different World as college roommate of Lisa Bonet at the fictitious Hillman College in Virginia.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Classic Albums

Snake in the Grass
(RoosterCow) 1980

Trust me, you don't wanna be hangin' out in the Woodrows backyard! 25 fantastic tunes by the Fearsome Foursome, including the awesome title track, "Snake in the Grass," plus "Mowin' Your Lawn, Trimmin' Your Bush," "Ho in the Garden,""Fetchin' Wood," and many more favorites!

Woodrow Discography

Monday, February 02, 2009

Ground Hog's Day, Bitches!

What happens when you wake up Muggsy McMurphy in the middle of the night--while he's trying to sleep off a three day Super Bowl Bender--and ask him what his Ground Hog's Day predictions are? We found out (sorry, no audio/video, you're just going to have to trust us that this is the way it went down):

"This fucking fuck. This fuckin' porkchop, Poxitommy Phil better have my money. He better have my money. What is this? Winter what? What are you talking about? Punk rock Phil is shit eatin' ground hog. Right? Gonna see his shadow and BOOM six more months of winter...or sumpin'. Ground Hog Day, man? What the fuck is Ground Hog Day, man? I like ground up hogs in my burrito, brother. Fuck off. Leave me alone."

Looks like six more months of winter, kids.