The Dictionary According to Rumsfeld

One would think that the man who never sits would have enough to occupy his time without inventing new phrases for things that don't quite go as planned. The man who reintroduced the word "slog" into our lexicon and who popularized the technique of self interrogation, had a brainstorm this past weekend, probably after feeling the effects of a turkey-fueled, tryptopane-induced stupor (Do I need more stuffing? No. Do I want more stuffing? Yes. Am I going to have more stuffing? Absolutely.)

Not satisfied with his failed attempt to transform the War on Terror into the absurdly long, "global struggle against violent extremism" (yeah, give Bush more words to misremember), Rummy would now prefer it if we would all please call the "insurgents" in Iraq, "enemies of the legitimate Iraqi government" (gotta throw 'legitimate" in there because saying it makes it so. It also makes it clunkier, and more awkward thus guaranteeing that no one will use it).

Rumsfeld argues that calling these Iraqis (formerly known as insurgents), "enemies of the legitimate Iraqi government" (whew) gives them "more legitimacy than they seem to merit." I guess the logic being that calling something by a different name will eliminate the problem and thus end the insurgency just like how Fox News ended "suicide bombings" by renaming them "homicide bombings."

Of course, this turning out of phrases means that we can't call it an insurgency anymore. Is it a beef? No, that's too East Coast/West Coast gangsta'. Is it a gripe? No, still sounds too legit. Shit. Well, whatever it was called it's called something else now. It's still a long, hard slog though.