Thursday, December 03, 2009

Two old drunks with micophones

I was looking to see if I could find some video of David Yow's much discussed rib-plant from this past weekend, and came upon this classic clip from 4 months ago. Enjoy!

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Finally, the REAL story!

Leave it to the Chinese Media to get the scoop on "The Tiger Woods Minor Car Crash Saga."

WARNING: This simulation is merely speculation.

Legendary Feats of Athletic Greatness

This post courtesy of our lawyer, Daniel P. Kiss, Esquire:

Once in a while, the internet is a useful tool in documenting American history in an exciting and innovative way.

Far more interesting than the cliche of musicians performing on drugs...

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

What Ever Happened to John Crawford?


The Reglar Wiglar is seeking contact information for cartoonist, John Crawford. Crawford was the creator of Baboon Dooley, Rock Critic and Queen of the Scene comics that ran in damn near every punk rock zine in the late '80s and early '90s. If you have info on Crawford's whereabouts, drop us a line, please: reglarwiglar (at) gmail dot com.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Sly Fox Foiled for Second Fudge

I wonder in Sarah Palin thinks this is a "backasswards" way to run a news business?

Some intern is totally fired.

Let's roll the (wrong) tape.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Never gonna give you up!

Ok, I'm sure everybody and their mother has seen this, but for those who haven't, BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE MASHUP (for good and evil):

Friday, November 06, 2009

This Week In Illegal Downloading

I've been using Soulseek off and on the past week for the first time in a few years. As is the custom, I've allowed other users to browse and download the music I have stored on my computer. By far, the #1 most in demand album in my collection has been the Fang twofer of Landshark and Where the Wild Things Are. It occurred to me right away that unsuspecting indie rockers were helping themselves to these West Coast HC classics, mistaking them for the major motion picture soundtrack of the same name. I hope they weren't too disappointed.

Nomura's Revenge!


Don't mess with the jellyfish.

Real Life Super Hero (if you're a member of the cnidarian phylum that is! Ha!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Reglar Wiglar Record Reviewers

Here are just a few of the individuals who have written record reviews for the Reglar Wiglar in the past ten or so years.

Bow Diddley
Jimminy Van Tuffet
Pig Patterson
Sneaky Petes
The Puzzler
Jake the Two-Eyed Snake
Slinky Bob
Bobby Neil
Shipping/Receiving
Office Manager
Steve Stoned
Rick Pencilman, Rock and Roll Dad
S.B. Sweaty
Captain Krunch
Goose Neck
The Kid
B.S. Brown
Jayne Wayne
Muggsy McMurphy
Slim Jim
Joey T. Germ
Jose Germcia
Don Rumsfeld
Al Gore
Tom "Tearaway" Schulte
Malcolm Tent
Scat-in-the-Hat
P.C. Jones
Irresistible Frank
Buzzard Brown
Sloppy Seconds
Country Joe McDonald's
The Turkey Slayer
Record Reviewer
Frankie The Boot
P. Wolfowitz
Sam Doodle
Larry "Burger" King
Boogada Boogada Boogada
Jasper Maltby
Pope "Lil' John" Paul
Whoratio Alger
Snappy Jim
Sasquatch Jim
Private Chomps
Donkey Man
Dick Cheney
T. Bone
Ken Snow
Jack Cracknuts
Soggy Sprinkles
Don Cheeto
Thee Brat
Grover Cleveland
Oliver Trask
Jack the Dandy
Condi Rice
Jimmy Jangle
Andre Salmon
Frosty O
I.C. London
Tweedle Dee
Count Von Blowenstein
Axl Pose
Sgt. Chomps
Sherlock Homey
Billy Neil
J. Ashcroft
Otis E. Lee
Gee Whiz
Drunk Bill
Chrispy
Smooth Daddy
The Lopper
Duane Lee Hobbes
P.C. Germ
Toad Anderson
Destroyer
Tarja Halonen
Tony Blair
Sloppy Bill
AutoReviewer 2000
Grandpa Pete
Twelver
Jimmy the Geek
Joey Ferret
B. Urlacher
Ace of Space
Earl Spankins
N. Ron Hubbard
Johnny Suck
Jim Willy Jr.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Zine Review: Xerography Debt #25

It warms one's heart cockles to see a zine like Xerography Debt still being published. It warms the ventricles of one's heart to see any zine being published period, especially one that supports other zines like XD does. Yes, this is a review zine with "perzine tendencies" that still firmly supports independent publishing and the underground press. Many zine publishers have ceased publishing in recent years, some of those finding refuge in electronic media (like the Reglar Wiglar) while others giving up the ghost of print completely. Not so with Davida Gypsy Breier. In fact, this issue looks better than ever with a great cover and clean well designed, easy to read copy. So, viva la zine!

Davida Gypsy Breier, POB 11064, Baltimore, MD 21212

visit them: leekinginc.com

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Indisputable Facts

These facts are beyond dispute:

• American Families use over seven trillion tons of household sponges every year.

• There are 250 cars stolen every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every year in Patterson, New Jersey.

• There are, like probably, a billion microscopic organisms living in your nose or under your finger nails RIGHT NOW!

• When hungry or threatened, some turtles are capable of stalking and killing prey as large as an elephant

• The average American male will consume the equivalent of three football fields of beer in his lifetime.

• It all means nothing; everything means nothing.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Self Love is a Beautiful Thing.

It's not hard see why Kanye loves himself so much. He's the number one human being in music!

Reglar Wiglar Economic Survival Guide

Tip #1
Shop at Aldi or How I Swindled an Old Lady Out of a Quarter

Ever been to Aldi? You know Aldi, those ugly stores with the orange and blue logo you've seen scattered about the city--and the world, actually. Aldi, which started in Southeastern Iowa in 1976, is an International Conglomerate with stores all over our globe, although in Slovenia the stores are called "Hofer". Maybe Aldi means something nasty in Slovenian. You are to please excuse the digression.

I think I've been to Aldi four times in my life. The first time I ever set foot in an Aldi's was at the Uptown location (the one on Broaday near Montrose, not the one at Clark and Wilson which is now a Staples). I didn't know anything about the place. I just knew that poor people shopped there. My first tour of Aldi was over pretty fast. There was not a large variety of goods for sale, and nothing that looked all that palatable. I don't happen to like my potatoes peeled, boiled and stuck in a can, you know what I'm sayin'? So yeah, I high-tailed it out of there right quick, but not before I was accosted by the raggedy security guard posted at the door. He gave my backpack a pretty thorough going over lest I be makin' a dash with a bag full of canned lima beans.

My next Aldi experience went a little more smoothly. It was at their location on Milwaukee Avenue in Bucktown. I had to check my bag at the door this time and I took a little more time to peruse the aisles. I ended up buying a few items; tomato soup, saltines, etc. I'm not sure what I bought exactly, but I do know that I was shocked when the total came to just over five bucks. That seemed too cheap to be true. I also didn't know that you had to pay for your own grocery bags. I was over budget. Luckily I was able to carry my groceries in my arms until I could reclaim my backpack.

Third time I visited an Aldi store was in Mayfair, on Pulaski just south of Foster. I planned on buying enough food that a shopping cart would be required. However, a quarter was needed to free the cart from the rack to which it was chained. I didn't have a quarter. I passed on the panhandling option and was again forced to load up an armful of goods and then stuff them in my backpack after I got through the check-out line.

The fourth time I visited Aldi, at the same Mayfair location, I felt like I was ready to master the Aldi Experience. I had, after all, earned a college degree some years ago--a degree that until this day had served absolutely no purpose whatsoever. Maybe this was the day to test all that knowledge. And, I had a quarter this time. What I didn't realize at this point, however, was the that the quarter was merely a deposit for the cart and that I would get my twenty-five cents back once I returned it and inserted a metal key into the plastic box on the cart's handle thereby releasing the quarter. So when an elderly woman approached me before I even made it to the cart rack and offered me her cart, I thanked her, took it and turned tail, not understanding that I could merely give her my quarter and reclaim hers in exchange when I returned the cart. I ripped off a poor old lady in an Aldi parking lot.

So yeah, I f*cked it up again. Anyway this is what I bought:

1 jar of Great Gherkins Kosher Dill Spears, $1.49
1 can of Happy Harvest Cut Green Beans, $.49
1 can of Diomede large pitted black olives, $.99
1 can of La Mas Rica (The More Rich?) Black Beans, $.59
1 box of 100 individually wrapped tea bags from the good folks at Benner, $1.69. (I really splurged on that one.)
1 bag of Clancy's Crispy Crunchy Corn Chips. $.99
1 box of Millville Crispy Oats, S1.59

Total with tax $8.01

Not a bad deal, you can't argue that, however, with the exception of the Clancy's Crispy Crunchy Corn Chips which are actually tastier and crispier than Frito's Corn Chips, the overall quality of these foodstuffs was sub par. This is to be expected. What Aldi lacks in frills (like free paper bags and non-deposit shopping carts) it also lacks in quality. But again, this is where poor people shop and I'm poor people apparently, and next time I go to Aldi I'll be ready. I'm gonna to crush Aldi next time. High five!

Friday, September 11, 2009

From the Archives: All American Rejects

Recently, whilst digging around in the Reglar Wiglar archives (eeew, so dusty!) we unearthed this review of All American Reject's self-titled 2003 album:

THE ALL AMERICAN REJECTS
The All American Rejects (Dog House)
I hope these guys don't think that their self-deprecating band name will save them from the wrath of the Reglar Wiglar Record Reviewers. That would be a mistake. As it turns out, I'll be leaving the name alone in order to concentrate on some other particulars. The AARs are a pair of Okie songwriters who write over-produced pop songs containing the always-threatened "infectious melodies." It's basically Weezer without the rock (I was gonna say without the balls but that didn't sound right). Possibly teenage girls will get into this, but probably not the teenage boys and certainly not old burnt-out hipsters (myself being included among the later)–P.C. Germ

Boy, have those fella's proved Mr. P.C. Jones wrong! The Rejects are frickin' huge!

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

From the Archives: Fallout Boy

Recently, whilst digging around in the Reglar Wiglar archives (eeew, so dusty!) we unearthed this review of Fallout Boy's 2003 debut album Take This to Your Grave:

FALL OUT BOY
Take This to Your Grave (Fueled by Ramen)
Cool packaging and slick production can't save this debut from Fall Out Boy from slipping into the emo-pop-punk sludge pile. This sounds like so much of the rest of stuff that has found its way into the review stacks around here. This horse done been beat, ya'll –Muggsy McMurphy

Boy is Muggsy eatin' crow right now. Ha! Actually, he's eatin' a Hot Pocket and he stands by his review. So there.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

For T.R. Miller Scholars only!


It is apparent from these transcripts that zine interviewer, Wim Boyler, had less than honorable intentions in the series of mail interviews he conducted with T.R. Miller, Cartoonist. Boyler, it seems, was simply having a little fun with our boy at The Cartoonist's expense. However, there are some nuggets of information contained in these interviews that gives us a glimpse into T.R.'s life, albeit a small one. Little information is given here that hasn't already been presented in previous issues of the "Luhey" zine. The "virginity" issue has not been revealed before but is certainly no surprise. It's also easy to see how snarky zines, like Wormblower turned Miller off from small press publications and zines specifically. T.R. Miller is not without blame in this, of course. Miller had his own interests in mind as he sent hundreds and hundreds of 'toons out to dozens of publications in the hopes of seeing them printed as many times as possible. The fact that they were mostly published ironically with a nod and a wink from the editors to the reader did little to deter Miller--whether he even realized this was the case is doubtful.

Similar situations like Miller's have been in seen in the music world as well, with artists like the late Wesley Willis. Willis suffered from paranoid schizophrenia, a mental illness that did not stop him from drawing and writing hundreds of songs about any subject that entered is fevered mind. Whether these songs had true artistic merit or were just fascinating and entertaining given the circumstances under which the were created, and by whom, is up for debate. There probably is no correct answer. The same situation can also be applied to TR Miller. This is not to suggest that Miller suffers from schizophrenia, but a man who was more than likely in his forties and still living at home during the height of his 'toon career and who was still a virgin, had no friends other than relatives and had up to that point never traveled further that 45 minutes from his home in going on four decades, that is not considered normal.

This concludes today's lecture. Should any of you students have further questions about T.R. Miller, Cartoonist or questions about 'toons in general, my door is always open.

Professor I. Drew Toons (Yes, that is my real name)

Monday, September 07, 2009

T.R. Miller Interview from 1996

Anybody who picked up a zine in the 90s, including the Reglar Wiglar, has no doubt seen one of T.R. Miller's endearingly goofy "Luhey" strips. We recently stumbled upon this interview from the zine Worm Blower, that was published in 1996, the height of T.R. Miller's brief career.

Enjoy!

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Reglar Wiglar CD Review: Famous Basements


Famous Basements is the new eight song disc from Chicago's, Mean Ohio. These transplants from "The Mean State" (I'm sorry but that's the Ohio State Motto, I didn't make it up) are a four piece combo that specialize in groovy rock and pop numbers. With two singer/guitarists fronting the band, vocal duties get traded off from song to song resulting in a variety of styles shifts. This change-up creates a nice contrast of moods and rhythms. The album kicks off with the poppy harmonies of "All Won't Ever Die," (which also features saxophone and a cheerleader) followed by the '60s hints of psychedelia on "Distorted Reflections," Those two beginning tracks are likewise bookended by the funky (if I may use that word) "No Need for Alarm" and the spoken-sung build-up of "Black Box Syndrome." Mean Ohio aren't afraid to shift gears or change horses midstream and while that could potentially be a distraction to the listener, the songs here are all strong enough to blend and compliment each other. Know what I mean, Ohio?--Buzzard Brown

Saturday, August 29, 2009

A-Hole Season starts early this year.

I realize the weather in Chicago has been 'unseasonably cool' these past few days, but I just saw the first instance of 'using lawn furniture to reserve a parking space' of the year.

Friday, August 21, 2009

M.O.T.O. Moves On


Long-running punk rock band and Chicago scene staple, M.O.T.O. is hitting the bricks after twenty years. M.O.T.O. is basically Paul Caporino and any assortment of like-minded musicians he can seduce into backing him up when he performs and records his catchy, clever and infectious punk rock gems.


M.O.T.O. (an acronym for Masters of the Obvious) was formed in Caporino's hometown of New Orleans circa 1981 and has been churning out releases (mostly cassettes and seven inch singles) and band members ever since. Chicago wasn't the first destination for M.O.T.O. once the band fled Louisiana. Boston was home to the band for several years before Caporino relocated to Illinois in 1989.

According to the M.O.T.O. myspace page, Caporino bonded with Providence RI's Midnight Creeps while on a three and a half week tour and was convinced by the band to move to their Rhode Island town.

M.O.T.O. will be playing several farewell shows at the end of August as well as the Glenwood Arts Fest this weekend in Rogers Park. If you've never seen them, now's the time, slackers.

Glenwood Avenue Arts Fest, Saturday, August 22 @ 8pm
N. Glenwood & W. Morse, Chicago, Illinois 60660

Farewell to Chicago shows - August 28-29
Aug 28 @ Empty Bottle (w/ Bang Bang)
Aug 29 @ The Mutiny (w/ Das Kapital, Voice of Addiction).

Read this Reglar Wiglar interview with Paul Caporino from 2003.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Classic Albums


Rock 'n' Roll Jism (RoosterCow) 1980

This is the album that started the whole thing! What a concept! What a conception! Features two all time Woodrow Classics: "Rock 'n' Roll Jism," and "Funky Hypnotic Love Table"!

Woodrow Discography

Posted without comment

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Big weekend for Rowdy Roddy Piper


He appeared at both The Gathering and Wizard World. I predict a mid-week spike in They Live rentals.
It might take a week or two before things get back to normal.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Reglar Wiglar Review: The Mapes/World War IX split 7"


Does the carpet match the Mapes? That's a question that doesn't get answered on these three short blasts of punk rock from Las Vegas, Nevada's Mapes. Snotty and fun with a theme song ("Journey to the Center of the Mapes") is how these gamblers roll. "Rocket in My Pocket" may reference the penis, but The Mapes are not afraid to let their sentimental side show on the heartfelt track, "Tits." Flippin' the split reveals two punk rock tunes from New York City's WWIX. "Empty V" deals with the vacuous wasteland of the formerly music video playing channel, MTV. (I thought Jello Biafra demanded that MTV leave the airwaves back in '85... they must not have been listening). For their second track, WWIX could not resist a song about their favorite past-time which is the consumption of drugs and alcohol. Can a real "Intervention" be far behind? Let's hope not.

The Mapes
World War IX
Red Black & Blue Records

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

And then in the summertime such extreme summertime about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter than just some months ago, than just some months from now,

with fireweed blooming along the frost heaves and merciless rivers that are rushing and carving and reminding us that here, Mother Nature wins.

UPDATE:
Well, it looks like the NBC people put the kibosh on that - don't worry, it wasn't THAT funny - so check this out, from whay youtube says is a 'related video':

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Celebrities!!!

CELBRITY WE DON’T LIKE FOR NO SPECIFIC REASON
Penelope Cruz

CELBRITY WE DON’T LIKE FOR VERY SPECIFIC REASONS
Tom Cruise

Monday, July 20, 2009

Beef

(promoted from the comments)
[T]here's a rapumetary called Beef that's running on cable tv's Fuse channel. It presents the 411 on various disagreements between hip-hop artists. In the 'N.W.A vs. Ice Cube' segment, Ice Cube prevails, delivering the death blow w/ "No Vaseline", which is arguably the greatest musical composition of all time. As a communicative piece, the song's message ("Y'all niggas can't fuck wit Ice Cube") affected to a real-world reality, unlike, say "We Are the World" or "Give Peace a Chance".
The show also features a nifty editing trick to take care of interviewee's profanity without resorting to bleeping out every motherkcufing 4-letter word.

N.W.A - with no period after the A - is the correct way to write it, according to the group's very own logo, also.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Hello Big Willy

or "Whatchoo Talkin' About Willis?"

It's official. The Sears Tower is no more. I for one won't shed a tear and apparently neither will Da Mayor, who had this to say about it:

"There has to be change in government and business and you have to realize that change is good."

We'll remember that on election day, Dickie. Can't wait!

Reglar Wiglar Life Lessons

SAVE THE PLANET

Unapologetically by Tom Ziegler

Originally published in RW #2, 1994

The other night I was watching TV and this ad came on, well, it wasn't really an ad, it was more like one of those public service announcements they put on at three AM, sandwiched between the missing children reports, right after you've killed a twelve-pack of Old Style King Kans and all the stores are closed except for Land of a Thousand Liquors up on Belmont, but they charge $4.75 for a six-pack, and you just don't feel like embarking on a lengthy automobile excursion and facing the possibility of an accident--or worse yet--spending the night in jail.

So the only thing left to do is turn out all the lights, search the fridge for something that hasn't molded over yet and turn on the tube to some low-budget UHF station that shows B-Movies all night. I prefer the Lost Amazonians on Mars genre, but at that point in the evening, I'll settle for Dionne Warwick's Psychic Friends Network.

Usually, the first station I hit is the one I watch until my eyeballs have crawled back into my head and my tongue has fixed itself to the roof of my mouth with a bond stronger than any adhesive you can get a the checkout counter at Piggly Wiggly.

READ THE REST AT REGLARWIGLAR.COM

Thursday, July 09, 2009

We endorse the Free Rom the Spaceknight! Petition to Hasbro, Inc..

To: Hasbro, Inc.

This is a petition to encourage Hasbro to release their copyright of "Rom the Spaceknight" to Marvel Comics. Given that after the initial failed run of the Rom toyline, Hasbro has shown no interest in reviving the character and therefore has no monetary incentive of keeping the copyright, and that Rom has become a fan favorite of Marvel Comics readers, Hasbro should sell (or give) the copyright to Marvel, so that the character may return to comics and reprints of material featuring Rom may be sold.

Sincerely,

Your name here!


Click here to sign the petition.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Huge Manowar News!

Universal theme of Barbarian Conquest to be recorded in 16 different languages, not for posers!

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Monday, July 06, 2009

Hold on to your asses! The Neo-Mofo Revial of 2009 is here

I suppose it was inevitable that Primus-style funk rock would come back into fashion, but no one could have predicted that Jandek would be the first one on the bus.

These are truly weird times we're living in.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

"Bird Collision" by Chicago's Soft Targets

This song just came up on my random mp3 player thing, and I thought it was a Cheap Trick deep cut at first! Good song!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Welcome to The Reglar Wiglar

WE ARE HERE FOR YOU
For those of you new to the The Reglar Wiglar Electronic Text-Based Humor Simulator, let us assure you that ours is a company that has been associated with high quality since 1993. We are here for you.

WE WILL BE HAPPY TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS
We will be happy to answer each and every one of your questions, however inane or downright stupid those questions might be. They say there's no such thing as a stupid question, but hey, you've asked quite a few in your day, haven't you? Sure you have.

WE ARE NOT A BLOG
Blogs are silly. Blogs are platforms for individuals to share their opinions, interests and views of the world with the world. They reveal too much about their creators' personal lives and that shows weakness. Weakness is morally wrong and makes you stand out from the pack as prey. We have no desire to be prey.

YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO US
You, the reader, are our sole reason for existing. The Reglar Wiglar Electronic Text-Based Humor Simulator is here to entertain you and make your day a little brighter by adding a touch of cynicism that only a true burnout like yourself could appreciate.

WE ARE COMMITTED TO YOU
We have your needs in mind when we work on an entry to this site. "What would our readers like to see in our pages?" we ask ourselves daily. "What would make them happy?" or "What would offend them or our advertisers?" Nothing we'd care to publish, that's for sure.

WE WANT TO HELP YOU
When you have a problem with The Reglar Wiglar Electronic Text-Based Humor Simulator, we respond quickly, attentively, sympathetically. When you "don't get" one of our posts, we guide you through to the punch-line. We help you see the humor and "get the joke", effectively, courteously.

WE ARE COMMITTED TO YOU
At the The Reglar Wiglar Electronic Text-Based Humor Simulator we want to make your every experience with us an enjoyable one. We know you have unique needs and we want to live up to your expectations. The importance of a satisfied readership is the cornerstone of our operation. It is our goal to leave you satisfied. We are committed to that goal.

REGLARWIGLAR.COM

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Reglar Wiglar Life Lessons

MAKING THE LEAST OF YOUR TIME

Unapologetically by Tom Ziegler

Originally published in RW #8, 1997

On this, the Twelfth Anniversary of my entering the work force, I am proud to announce that I have finally mastered the art of slacking off. Years of self-discipline, keen observation and a careful study of employer's habits have provided me with the skills needed to fully get the least out of my time on the clock. Certain critics have sanctimoniously disparaged my efforts with a trite. "if you spent the time you spend wasting time, on trying to make something of yourself, you could really be somewhere by now"; certain critics are also thirty-five and still wear a name tag to work.

In the spirit of the occasion, I am moved to impart my wisdom to the masses (masses being a relative term, since our readership can be tallied in the single digits). So find that out-of-the-way corner at whatever job it is you hold and spend a little company time picking up a few points.

WHEN SEEN, ALWAYS LOOK BUSY

This would be the first and foremost--the cardinal rule of slacking off. Since most managers and supervisors are promoted from within, one would expect their advancement to result from years of dedication and service. More often than not, however, the selection is based on the employee who gives the bossman's boots the most thorough tongue bath. As a result, your supervisor will not necessarily be noted for his or her mental acumen, rather their speech will more likely have been reduced to heroic couplets i.e. "if there's time to lean, then there's time to clean", etc.

While your ability to identify the rhyme scheme as iambic pentameter may have scored you points in that literature class back in college, it's not going to amount to a hill of beans when it comes time to clean the grease trap and you're standing there with your thumb up an orifice. Wipe a counter. Sweep a floor. Straighten something. Look busy.

READ THE REST AT REGLARWIGLAR.COM

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Reglar Wiglar Life Lessons

HOW TO BE A SMART-ASS WITHOUT GETTING YOUR SKINNY LITTLE BUTT KICKED IN WHILE MAINTAINING AN OVERALL SENSE OF SUPERIORTY

Unapologetically by Tom Ziegler

Originally published in RW #1, 1993

Are you fed up? Does every last loser on this festering hole of a planet grate on the one nerve you have left? Are your friends a bunch of leeching sycophants, or do they simply ignore you, those snobs? Is your family out to get you--Mom and Dad will just not get off your back to finish school, get a real goddamn job, find a mate? What about your job--slogging away forty plus hours a week, punching buttons on a computer, absorbing cathode rays until your bones glow green through your skin for some no-neck boss, breathing down your butt, a cretin who revels in reminding you that yes, you are indeed expendable, so you better drop that attitude mister, and remember this is your life? Are you having a hard time sticking to Mom's old adage, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all?" Are you sick of listening to self-righteous assholes prattle on about how much they hate their friends, family and their boss?

If you gave a big fat YES to any of these questions, if you feel as though you can go no further, if you are ready to just pitch it all, I suggest you consult a therapist. What the fuck do I look like Ann Landers? Sorry, Charlie, sucks to be you.

READ THE REST AT REGLARWIGLAR.COM

Friday, June 26, 2009

Sheesh!

A few more weeks like this, and John Battles is going to be writing the next Roctober all by himself!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Gary Panter interview at Comics Comics

Megastar RW #21 interviewee Gary Panter just keeps on truckin'. Listen to an in depth interview with him right over here.

It's inpir/persper-ational!

Friday, June 05, 2009

CGI COMEDY

The latest and greatest Dinosaur Jr. video:

Reglar Wiglar Comic Review: Killing Time Before the Party: Comics About Playing in a Band by People who Play in Bands


This forty page comic compilation features, as the subtitle suggests, comics contributions by people who play in bands. Featuring twenty-two collaborators, Killing Time details the joys and pains of a life in rock and roll. We're not talking about a Van Halen/Aerosmith, rich-as-fuck lifestyle mind you, but rather a hand-to-mouth, labor of love existence stuck to underbelly of the underground. Publisher Justin Melkmann was inspired to produce this comic after making the connection that people who play in bands must also possess talent in other artistic areas and no doubt made comics like himself. Melkmann relates anecdotes of his time in NYC punk band World War IX. Abby Denson (Liberteens, Girlymen, etc) turns in "Bass Mistress" a comic about her love affair with the bass guitar. Other notable contributions include an an illustrated European tour diary of the band Nightingales by Christy Edwards; punk rock drummer/cartoonist Brian Walsby dispels the myth of being a punk rock drummer/cartoonist and Sergio Zuniga provides us with the violent yet humorous "I'm in a Band" comic about the perils of rockin' out. Cover price is $3. Contact Justin at jmelkmann@hotmail.com. Check out www.melkmanncomics.blogspot.com

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

The Reglar Wiglar Record Review of Let the Dominoes Fall by Rancid!


I never knew me too much about this band Rancid, other than a string of major red flags: media-industrial complex backed, relatively mega-selling ska/street/pop punk rawk, presumably popular in malls, performed by living breathing cartoon punk rockers (complete with fake British accents) and shamelessly derivative of better bands that I probably don't care to listen to much anyway. No thanx, I always thought, I'll die listening to god-damn Green Day before I give a second of my time over to this shite. But I'll be dipped in mohawk wax if I'm not kinda going bonkers for this brand new Rancid album.
I wasn't wrong about where these guys are coming from aesthetically, but I was wrong about my capacity to enjoy it. This is a record chock full of toe-tapping, fist-pumping jams (and a handful of tender ones) certain to keep the pits full all summer long.
Rating: two boots straight up in the air!

Sunday, May 31, 2009

ATTENTION DONOVAN FANS!!!

In this week's installment of Rock and Roll Geek Show, Michael Butler presents an in-depth interview with the immortal voice of Fruity Cheerios, the one and only Donovan Leitch Sr.

This episode is a must-listen, and you can do just that by navigating your internet browser here.

Friday, May 29, 2009

The Reglar Wiglar Record Review of "Chinese Democracy" by Guns N. Roses


...will be ready by the end of the summer.

It pays the bills

The funniest thing on this allegedly comical blog might be the Google ads, currently featuring cut-rate dental surgery - in lovely Bridgeview - and Saul Goodman-esque personal injury lawyers.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I'm sort of shocked



I must admit, I'm a bit surprised that we haven't heard how pleased Bin Laden, Ahmadinejad, Hugo Chávez, and all the rest of the bad guys will be if Sonia Sotomayor makes it onto the Supreme Court.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Something for the Small Business Owners out there...

FIRE WITHOUT PREJUDICE
Shit-canning your employees legally

Dear Executive,

Let's not beat around the bush here, you're the boss. Nobody's gonna tell you what to do. No, sir. You've got the old lady at home to do that and probably a couple of ingrate kids too. Yeah, sure you do. So in your business, you don't need to take any shit from your subordinates.

Problem is, in these politically correct times, Worker Rights have gotten out of control. What with Affirmative Action and Sex Discrimination suits popping up like pounds on your wife's fat butt, somebody's nuts are getting crunched and I don't have to tell you who those belong to, but that doesn't mean you can't fight those that wish they could be served to them what you had to go out and earn. So unless you're a bleeding heart liberal or an old school communist, please read on.

Once upon a time in this once great country, our system was set up so that a man could hire and fire as he saw fit. Certain parties (Democrats mostly) have seen to it that even the lowliest slacker on the totem pole is guaranteed full pay and full benefits while you do all the work. It used to be that if a person of, let's say Hispanic descent, wasn't picking his fair share of oranges from the groves, you could sack that man. Nowadays, you do that and you get slapped with a discrimination lawsuit that'll bust your balls and break your bank. I don't have to tell you that this takes food out of your kids mouths.

Unless you're "mentally challenged," you've probably figured out that this is something we feel very strongly about at the National Institute of Businesses Under Siege. The good news for you is, you are not powerless. NIMBUS has produced a series of highly informative, business management brochures that enable us to enable you in your fight. Remember, what we have, we earned, let's hold onto it.

Here are just a few of the topics covered in our first brochure.

BROCHURE #1: LIGHTING THE FIRE

• How to put the fear of god into your employees
• Rewarding good subordinates without forking over the dough
• Tried and true threats to motivate staffers
• Crushing the will of the over-enthusiastic go-getter
• How to take care of the squeaky wheel without giving up the grease
• How to light a fire under an underachievers ass

BROCHURE #2: I DIDN'T KNOW NUTHIN' ABOUT IT YOUR HONOR

This is any employers dream guide for sidestepping liability.

• How to make ambiguous sexual references that will hold up in any sexual harassment suit
• How to persuade an hysterical woman out of a lawsuit
• How to break a contract legally
• When 'no' means 'yes'
• When race and gender discrimination is ok
• Legal reasons for not hiring handicapped people
• Legal roadblocks in promotion and demotion controversies
• What you don't have to tolerate from union activists, organizers and other nut balls
• How to keep OSHA off your ass
• When a gift becomes a bribe

Every manager or business owner worth his salt has his own tired and true cardinal rules. NIMBUS brochure number three, can help you reinforce those beliefs with some of our own. Here is just a sample of what you'll find inside brochure number three.

BROCHURE #3: ACTING ON YOUR AXIOMS

• Open your mouth and your wallet cautiously
• Women, wind and luck soon change
• Fortune smiles and then betrays
• If you must lie, be brief
• Always draw the snake from the hole with another man's hand

We want to think of our employees as human beings with feelings and emotions. We don't want to to think of them as simple, mindless work drones. Sometimes this is not possible to pull off and stay out of the red. It is important, however, that you appear to be compassionate and understanding. This is where NIMBUS brochure number can help.

BROCHURE #4: I Understand

• What is an acceptable grieving period for employees who have lost loved ones
• How to appear sympathetic, attentive and as if you are actually listening to employee grievances
• What you don't have to do for pregnant workers
• Video monitoring: affordable, legal, smart
• Subtle implications or outright aggressive threats; what works when
• Whose on drugs? Read the signs
• How many times a day should you remind your underlings just who in the hell is the friggin' boss anyways

You are no doubt wondering how much we charge for this unprecedented plethora of valuable information. How about nothing at all? How does that sound to you?

If you said it sounds good, you should stop reading right now. This country was not founded on the whole something-for-nothing system that liberals have turned it into. Any good businessman knows a good investment when he sees it and this is a good investment. We won't insult you by giving you free advice. So for the low price of just four dollars (a month, for a year) we'll send you this set of four important brochures that will change the way you treat your employees for the life of your business.

Sincerely,

Mark Guggen
NIMBU President

Friday, May 22, 2009

Reglar Wiglar's Top 100 Greatest Moments in Rock and Roll Music History: #100

Sometime in 1969: The Alice Cooper Group Auditions For Frank Zappa
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A series of comical hijinks led to the fledgling and floundering rock band Alice Cooper arranging to meet with the infamous Frank Zappa, who was looking to sign bizarre music acts to his new record label, Straight Records. The audition, per Zappa's instructions, was to take place at his house "at 7 o'clock". However, the band mistakenly assumed he meant 7 o'clock in the morning. Being woken up at seven in the morning by a psychotic rock and roll band ready to play in his front yard impressed Zappa enough to sign them to a three-album deal.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Get Psyched!

Originally published in RW #5, 1995

PSYCHOLOGICALLY UNFIT
Unapologetically by Tom Ziegler

Recently, I endured the humiliation of a psychological profile while applying for a job at a record store. Had I passed, I probably wouldn't be writing this piece, but according to the London House Psychology Survey, not only do I make for an untrustworthy employee, but to hire me would unravel the very fabric of a multi-million dollar corporation.Starting with a few pilfered CDs to supplement my minimum wage income, soon I would have created a slush fund that would have made Maury Stans look like a penny ante poker player.

Of course, I wasn't informed by the chicken-shit manager that I had failed the test. He was satisfied to tell me that he was still interviewing applicants in the hopes that I would grow discouraged and simply quit calling. I had to find out my miserable results from a friend who worked there. Since the test was supposedly a measure of honesty, I have to question the manager's ethics.

A few days later, I applied for a job at a major toy store. Like the record chain, they too had a psychological "inventory". I sat down by the Mighty Max display and proceeded to fill in the dots with a #2 pencil, careful not to mark outside the lines.

Halfway through, I became disgusted that the possibility of my earning $4.25 an hour would be determined by a C average psych major. I tossed my pencil to the floor and walked out.

But I kept the test.

As anyone who has felt the intrusion of one of these measures of honesty can tell you, it is anything but that. Rather, one is tested on his or her ability to manipulate the answers to achieve the appearance of honesty. If everyone answered the questions with full candor, no one would have a job. Or maybe we would all have jobs when someone finally realized that test such as these are no measure of a persons character.

Where I failed was not in my inability to judge right from wrong, but in the poor judgment of not being able to tell the folks what they wanted to hear. Lord knows I tried.

So interest of fair play, I have selected some choice questions for the toy store survey and will attempt to answer them with all the honesty and candor at my disposal.

READ THE REST AT REGLARWIGLAR.COM

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Remember that Zima zhit?

Reglar Wiglar Historians have unearthed this gem originally published in RW #3, 1994

ZIMA WITH A 'Z'
Unapologetically by Tom Ziegler

Zo, what iz thiz ztuff? SHUTUP! Speak English, goddmammit. I watch just a little too much tv and lately my screen has been inundated with ads for Zima. Not only are they on my tube, their ads are on the sides of busses, in magazines, on el platforms, basically, your average all-out media blitz.

Like most products aimed at a hipper, younger demographic (my grandpa is not going to be sitting in front of the tube asking, What iz thiz ztuff?) Zima has a spokesperson in the guise of some reject from the sweat hogs--kind of a cross between Horshak and Epstein--wearing an oversized white suit with Chuck Taylors and a goofy fedora. The fedora seems to be some sort of running joke in the series of television commercials; other characters comment, "Nice Hat." I don't get it. I don't care. The sweat hog keeps speaking in forced alliteration, substituting Z's where the S's should be, as I have so illustrated. Perhaps he's had a few Zima's himself.

Even a communications major could tell you that the whole ploy of this less-than-brilliant ad campaign is to surround this Zima shit with an aura of mystery--it's not a beer; it's not a wine cooler; it's not your father's Oldsmobile--in the hopes of piquing the consumer's curiosity, so that he or she will run, run, run out to the nearest liquor store and pick up a six.

READ THE REST AT REGLARWIGLAR.COM

Monday, May 18, 2009

Reglar Wiglar Now Fully Kraeusened

Although many loyal readers did not even notice the difference when we stopped kraeusening in 2005, we are proud to report that the Reglar Wiglar will once again be fully and authentically kraeusened. The kraeusening process, while time consuming and expensive, is the only way to bring you the freshest perspective on the issues that affect your lives. We appreciate your continued support.

Thank you!

Monday, May 11, 2009

BREAKING SCANDAL: President puts spicy mustard on burger


Full details here.
Kudos to our betters in the infotainment industry for sounding the alarm on this sickening, shameful travesty.
Because it's so true! Grey Poupon is an elite brand of mustard that is only available to the blue bloods who shop at 'grocery stores' and other exclusive fancy shops like Target and 7-Eleven. Occasionally, high-end dining establishments like Wendy's and Burger King will unveil a dijon variety of their chicken sandwich, but it is always only available for a limited time, and often - ironically - offered in conjunction with a so-called 'value meal', which obviously conflicts with the morally grounded epicurean values of most hard-working, American news anchors. Very few Americans ever get the chance to see a jar of this exotic condiment, much less taste it.
Shameful that we elected such a terrible person President. He's obviously out of touch with the salt-of-the-earth who provide this country with it's strong, never-wavering and unquestionably wise backbone. Next we'll find out Obama drinks orange juice with his breakfast.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Classic Albums

Toby's Got A Toothache (RoosterCow) 1980

Toby's got a toothache and man do it hurt! You ever get one of those really naaaasty toothaches? Imagine if you had teeth like that bucktooth mutherfucker! Arty cover art and some killer tracks: "Novacaine/Cocaine," "Tooth on a String," "Larry, the Tooth Fairy," "Dental Damn!" and many, many more!

Woodrow Discography

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Big in Duluth


Kaspar Hauser's been kicking the tin can gong around this town for a decade now, recording and releasing a variety of material on small local labels. Borrowing the name from a Warner Herzog film, The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser (pretentious much?), singer/songwriter and Ohio native, Tom Comerford formed the band in 1999 in Iowa City, Iowa. Shortly thereafter, Comerford moved to Chicago where the band has employed a revolving line-up of members who have delighted audiences from Duluth, Minnesota to the Cleveland Flats.

Their latest offering to the world is a disc titled The Sons. Like a Midwestern REM fronted by Neil Young (sideburns included) Comferford and company touch on the more obvious elements of blues-inspired rock but also add a rootsy element and a haunting Americana feel. "Prodigal Son" and "MacBeth II (In the Morning)" are two standout tracks on this nine song LP. An unexpected cover of a Kinks classic, "See My Friends," also makes an appearance albeit with an American make-over in the form of pedal steel guitar. The track "Baby Vampire" seems to make light of infantile vampirism which is not a subject I take lightly as I have a niece who suffers from it, however, KH seem to just skirt the line of good taste without stumbling over it.

RoosterCow Records owner, Dick Cockman famously said, after reportedly being duped into signing the band to a one-off seven inch single in 2003: "I've seen sideburns with more talent! That's right, individual patches of facial hair with more talent than this kid." Comerford and crew have certainly proved Mr. Cockman wrong again with The Sons.

D.O.A., cont'd


I witnessed DOA tearing it the m*therfuckin' up down in Lawrence KS in 1990(?)at a place called the Outhouse. Fairly legendary venue, with a shocking array of big names appearing on show fliers throughout the years. Located about 4 miles off the main strip in town, and the size of an... 8 car garage, with lots of country punkers hanging out in the parking lot, not necessarily checking out the bands. It's weird, because that date seems a little late in the game, but it's almost 20 years ago, and D.O.A. is still touring! My experience with and what I hear of most of these older bands who've gotten back together/never completely hung it up has been pretty good, so I'd go see D.O.A. in 2009, sure!
This band called Negazione opened up. They were Italian and reminded me quite a bit of the Scorpions. I never got around to getting a Negazione record, but both bands are on the P.E.A.C.E. comp, which of course, I've got. Meanwhile, back in town, my dad and I went to see the Smithereens at a bar that same summer. They tore it up too.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Classic Albums

Beer Goggles (RoosterCow) 1980

We've all worn 'em, but they're the Woodrows prescription! 13 tunes that make allowances for a few too many: "I Ain't Afraid a Nuthin'," "You Look Hot...Both of You," "6 Pack Mama," and twelve or thirteen more!

Woodrow Discography

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Deep thought

I think the Lemonheads version of "Skulls" was quite a bit more influential than many people would like to admit.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Not sure.

I'm not sure if it's because I spend too much time with the internet or not enough, but even though I keep reading their names, I don't know who Susan Boyle or the Sham-Wow Guy are, or what they've done lately.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Classic Albums



What the Fuck Did I Do Last Night (RoosterCow) 1980
I'll bet you know that feeling, but nobody knows it better than The Woodrows. 17 confused and bewildered tracks that try to put the pieces back together: "You Got My Pants, Man?" "Bed Wetter Blues," "Wet Stain," "Where the Hell Am I? What State Are We In?" and many, many more!

Read the (almost) complete
Woodrow Discography

Friday, March 27, 2009

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Monkey Mad!

The Prophecy is being realized. My Predictions of an Apocalyptic War between Man and Monkey are beginning to look less like the Rantings of a Crazy Person and more like the Sage Wisdom of a Prophet.

BEHOLD THIS LINK!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

D. Rider - Mother of Curses: The Reglar Wiglar Record Review


Urbandictionary.com defines 'D-Rider' as "someone who rides dick or is all up on your meat" or alternately, "a dusty kid in your crew". The liner notes to Mother of Curses, the debut record album by Chicago's newest elite music ensemble D. Rider, credits one "Deathrider" as the drummer, vocalist and strings-ist on it's accompanying musical collection. Quite the conundrum. And while we'll have to wait and see if we ever get to the bottom of this, in the meantime we can contemplate the music.

First a touch of background: Tha D, as we shall not call them, are the latest musical manifestation of Todd Allbbertt Rittmann. TAR is known to many as the tall "low" guitar player in U.S. Maple, and he may also be seen fucking around as a member of Chicago supergroup Singer and Northwest Suburban supergroup Cheer Accident. Rittmann (a.k.a. th'forementioned "Deathrider"), once again the tallest member of the band, sings lead and plays all the standard, manly "rock" instruments himself. He is invaluably augmented by Andrea Faught, who also works for Cheer-Accident, on keyboards, coronet and vox, as well as saxophonist/singer Noah Tabakin, of gonzo marching band Mucca Pazza.

Fans of U.S. Maple's singular knotty stumble will find much to like on Mother of Curses. The record represents a clear departure as it eschews USM's small-group naturalism in favor of some tastefully restrained but playful studiobound pot-stirring. As the record opens, the tone and rhythm are set by the sound of a magic marker writing. A minor key electric guitar, stately, not unBonham-ish drums, fuzz bass and a coed duet vocal fall in line one by one - like a tired Skrull regiment marching out to conquer, again. The tension builds but never quite subsides or climaxes. As the record progresses song to song, the sense of resigned dread intensifies. But this is not some sadsack downer bullshit. No it isn't. The assertive nature of the musical and vocal arrangements - there's funky bass, badass horn lines, whawazzat harmonizing, calming spurts of lovelyness, and jaw-dropping axe shredding scattered all over this thing - and the lyrics - vaguely gallows-humorous, mostly impressionistic meditations on war, sickness and isolation - are cut with a celebratory anxiousness.

There's been some talk wherever it is that people 'talk' these days, speculating that the current world reality may well inspire and inform some great musical statements like we saw in previous eras of turmoil. Of course, I'm not sure what's going to happen (major caveat: I haven't heard the new Morrissey album, the one with the cover where he's holding the baby yet), but I am prepared to go out on a limb and throw Mother of Curses on the pile with Blood Visions and Life...the Best Game In Town as an avatar of 21st century visionary rock and roll music.

******

Check for Mother of Curses at your local retailer, your preferred online source, or check with Chicago Independent Distribution.
Consumer note: the 12" vinyl l.p. contains a coupon for a free digital download of the album in mp3 or flac format. The download includes one song that is not on the cd or vinyl edition of the album.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Obama Slams Special Needs Children

We the people are outraged by Obama's cruel mockery of babies born with special needs! It is truly a disgrace that the President of the United States should so viciously and savagely attack handicapped persons. But don't take The Reglar Wiglar's word for it. Let the intelligent, well-thought out discourse by readers of the washingtonpost.com make up your mind for you. I think the President should leave the mocking of the mentally handicapped to the master, Larry the Cable Guy and stick to solving every major crisis facing this country within the week.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Classic Albums


Swim, Woodrow, Swim (RoosterCow) 1980

When you run out of dry land, you gotta swim, Woodrow, swim! The classic follow-up to Run Woodrow Run. Contains 16 explosive songs of desperation: "Backs to the Wall," "Fight or Flee," "Never Goin' Down" and more!

Woodrow Discography

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Some thing(s) I (found) today











I was doing a little pre-spring cleaning today, and to dignify the occasion, I spun one of my all-time favorite albums: The Blasting Concept Vol. 2, featuring the silver-age roster of the mighty SST Records record label. Over the course of the 30-something minutes I found a few interesting items in my cabinets. There were those missing bird-shaped chip clips, as well as some regular-shape ones, a squeezy lime juice thing with some unidentifiable brown schmutz stuck to the side, and a mini bag of Cheetos Puffs. Most importantly, though, it occurred to me "Hey, wasn't there at some point supposed to be a Blasting Concept #3?" I pulled out a few vintage copies of SST classics and found the relevant catalog (tucked safely and responsibly within the sleeve to the tragicomic Minutemen epitaph Ballot Result) and realized, yes indeed, at one time, SST Records had officially indicated the existence of a "The Blasting Concept Vol. III", and offered same as available for purchase on double lp, cassette and, for twice the price, the now obsolete 'compact digital disc' format.
"Interesting", thought I, who, despite being a record-knower and -getter of legendary status, has not only not seen or heard this record, and though it had been offered for sale by SST Records, Inc. of Lawndale, CA, I do not recall a single mention of it anywhere other than in this catalog, dated Fall, 1987. Initial google search yields unsurprisingly dubious results, hurm. Led to believe that record was never made. Perhaps someone with connections would be able to at least scare up an intended track list?

Also, if anyone wants to be in a general SST tribute band called The Blasting Concept Vol. 3, leave a message in the comment section. I haven't touched a guitar for a few years, so I'm probably singing.

I've got a better idea



Let's take a camera and follow Joe Scarborough and Jim Cramer around "24-7" and analyze their masturbation habits.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Bastige Von Curr's Tips on Proper Phone Etiquette

Counter Service

Whether you are ordering a hamburger from a fast-food restaurant or simply buying an energy drink at your corner convenience mart, it's totally ok to be blabbing on your cell phone the entire time. If the counter person or clerk actually has the gall to try to ask you a question while you're on the phone, or to inform you of the price, you should be more than a little annoyed. Apologize to whomever it is you are talking: "I'm sorry could you hold on a second? I have to give some a-hole my order." Your insipid conversation about nothing at all with your equally vacuous colleague trumps any conversation, transaction or interaction you may be having in the "real world."


The views of Bastige Von Curr, as right-on as they may be, do not reflect the views of the Reglar Wiglar, even though you would think they do since we are the ones publishing them in this forum, but you know, we gotta say they're not for some reason. At least this is what our lawyer, Jim Willy, Jr., Esq, has advised us to say.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

RNC Chair Steele: GOP Needs "Hip Hop" Makeover "Fa-shizzle"


From today's New York Times:
Newly elected Republican National Committee Chairman Michael S. Steele plans an “off the hook” public relations offensive to attract younger voters, especially blacks and Hispanics, by applying the party's principles to “urban-suburban hip-hop settings.”
"We are going to cut the capital gains tax in the next session, and if you've got a beef I will show you my Smith & Wesson, do you know what I am saying, beeeee-yotch!" Steele added. "Peep this, we need entitlement reform in this country because that shizzle is wack, and all of you all in the blame America first crowd, you are nothing but a bunch of player haters. We plan to bring this party to every corner, to every boardroom, to every neighborhood, to every community. I am not clowning. Peace, I am out."

Black Flag Hair. Warning: Pretty Rad



Monday, February 16, 2009

Friday, February 13, 2009

Happy Birthday Jerry Springer, Henry Rollins, Sigmar Polke, etc!


Simple as H**k!!

Friday the 13th!!!

MOVIE REVIEWS
by B.S. Brown

Greetings fellow movie buffs and cinematic connoisseurs. I am grateful for this opportunity to share with you my humble opinions of some of the latest theater releases. Remember, three years of film school doesn't make me an expert, it just makes me more qualified than you.

I Will Kill You Many Times
Directed by Charles Chinook; Screenplay by Randomword Choyce; Produced by Mickey Battaglia. An I Will Kill You Productions release. Running time: 80 minutes. Rating: R; language, sexual situations, decapitations.

The Cast

Jennie McFarlan...............................Jeannie McDugan
Frankie..............................................................Frankie
Bobby Baker................................................Ryan Judd
Joey Baker..................................................Peter Thane
Brenda Sue.............................................Peggy Jackson

If you only see one movie this summer, please, take my advice and avoid I Will Kill You Many Times. It's long, it's gaudy, it's overdone, tasteless, poorly directed, poorly acted and very overrated.

It wasn't surprised to be disappointed in this film. I was surprised to be disappointed in the actors (the director, Charles Chinook, is consistently disappointing so this came as no surprise). Jeanie McDugan, who plays the role of Jeanie McFarlan, has always been a fine actress. I have been following her career since it began five years ago with her first role in I Will Kill You. However, in this particular film (tenth in the series) her character came off as weak and tired. The name she carved out for herself in the Hollywood horror industry as the quintessential "helpless and submissive female" has been shamed by her current work in I Will Kill You Many Times. I used to think that Jeannie was the best screamer in the business. In her second feature role (I Will Kill You Many Twice), she screamed and shrieked so beautifully, it sent shivers down my spine. Her performance in this flop was truly embarrassing. When Frankie, the demented and mutated mass murderer, stabbed Jeannie in the eye with the fondue fork, she gave such a half hearted, luke warm yelp of pain that the immortal Freddy Krueger would have laughed his face off.

Frankie (who play himself) was equally disappointing. No one but Jason could wield an axe like Frankie could back in the day, yet in this movie I almost got the impression that he didn't even want to kill those school children. He even looked remorseful at having decapitated that elderly woman. I fear that our blood thirsty amigo may be getting a little soft.

I once felt that Jeannie McDugan and Frankie were the best acting duo in cinematic horror. These two thespians had the power to create big screen magic that both appalled and involved their audience. They were truly, and I say this without pretension, the Bogey and Bacall of low budget horror films.

As for the directing, jeeeeesh! I'm sure Charles Chinook was stewed to the gills for the majority of the filming. I went to undergrad school with Charles back East in the late 70s and believe me the only talent that man has is for sucking down whiskey sours until last call.

More bothered me about this movie that just the bad acting and directing. I got the feeling from this movie that it was rushed through, that they were on a tight budget and that the money just ran out. I got the impression that the producers only goal with this film was to compete in the sequels war and focus more on producing high qaulity horror movies that provide educational as well as cultural and philosophical ideals, and not just another splatter flick. Remember this is just one crusty old movie critics opinion (if you can call thirty-five old) but I think that filmakers today, more than ever, have not just a cinematic responsibility to their audiences, but a social responsibility as well. Horror films are excellent vehicles for promoting the kind of "Say NO to Drugs and Sex" values that we want to inflict upon our children (even though they never worked for our generation). Maybe I am getting old, but I don't appreciate the gratuitous sex scenes in this latest I Will Kill You film. I have a two year old and a three year old and I have to admit watching that rape scene with my kids in the theater was a little embarrassing. I think three or four scenes of full frontal nudity and kinky sexual situations is more than adequate for an eighty minute film. Anything more detracts form the plot and send the wrong message to our children. And the references to drugs? They have no place in 90s cinema. Cheech and Chong went up in smoke years ago. Sure, it's funny when Freddy asks Bobby Baker (Ryan Judd) if he wants to get "stoned" right before he drops a two ton rock on his head, but is this what we are trying to teach our children? Drugs are funny? Just drop the rock, Frankie, and save the snappy one liners for Andrew Dice Clay.

Hopefully, the next I Will Kill You film tentatively titled: I Will Kill You Many, Many Times will regain the integrity and pride lost in this film, but as Frankie once advised one of his drowning murder victims, "Don't hold your breath."

MORE!

Monday, February 09, 2009

sssnakes!!! in Roctober

Everybody's favorite comic about snakes (called sssnakes!!! by Chris Auman) has a new installment in the latest issue of Roctober called "Roctober #46." Buy several copies today and pass them out to your friends.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Now that's more like it!

Dear Mr. Auman,

I've just finished reading your resume and let me tell you, I am very impressed. Everybody in the office is. You are exactly the type of employee we’ve been looking for: smart, creative, funny—you’re perfect! In fact, your resume started something of a skirmish between Human Resources and Management. We’ve been arguing all day. Not about whether or not to hire you, that was a no-brainer, (duh!), but we’ve been arguing about how much we’re going to pay you. $50K, $60K, $70K! Even one hundred thousand dollars per year does not seem so far-fetched given your extraordinary talents. So what do you say Mr. Auman, can we get you in here, at your convenience of course, and have you sign some papers?

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Margaret O’Connor
Human Resources
Giganta Corporation

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Hotties of 80s Sitcoms: Marissa Tomei


1987 was the year when young Marissa graduated from As the World Turns to a much Different World as college roommate of Lisa Bonet at the fictitious Hillman College in Virginia.