Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Restaurant Reviews

Excerpt from the Best Restaurant Review Site Ever! (I said EVER!)


100 E. Chestnut, Chicago, IL

What can you say about Ditka, the man, the legend? He runs a restaurant like he runs a football team, with passion and integrity and an iron fist. Sometimes he forgets he's not on the sidelines of the grid iron when gives a waitress a smack on the ass for a good play or tears the dishwasher a new one for fumbling a salad plate. And don't think that plastic hip will keep him from hobbling over to your table ready to lay a bread basket right in the bread basket.

The Fridge Burger really lived up to it's name. Even William Perry would have trouble putting down a half dozen of these lovingly prepared, expertly garnished Bearific sandwiches. The service lived up to the Ditka legacy too, the waiter even took my friend Tim's overt homo-erotic comment (he told the waiter the Fridge Burger was Ditkarific) in stride. The real Ditka would have snapped my friend's neck like a twig.

The only complaint I would have is that there weren't enough moustaches on the staff.

I give it daaaa Fork.

The Top Nine Woodrows Records of All-Time!

It took Reglar Wiglar music critics, Joey T. Germ and Muggsy McMurphy, over thirty-six hours, seven cases of beer and three bottles of Makers to compile this list of the Top Nine Woodrows records of all time.

(Yeah, it was suppossed to be a Top Ten but the booze ran out.)


Quite possibly the best Woodrow record ever! Punk rock has yet to fully recover. Features: “Drunk,” “Gettin’ Drunk,” “Been Drinkin’,” “Just Had to Get Drunk Last Night,” “I’d Rather be Drunk than Drinkin’,” “Drink, Drink, Drink,” & of course the club hit, “Drink, Drank, Drunk”

The follow-up album to the brilliant Drunk LP. Twice the power! Four times the fun! Thirty-seven songs, including: “Naked,” “Born Naked,” “Tube Sock,” “Been Naked,” “Buck Naked,” “Caught in the Raw” plus thirty-one more classics!

Woodrows in Love
Recorded in the spring of 1992 after ALL four of the adorable Woodrow Brothers fell in love, simultaneously with the SAME girl!!! That poor, poor girl. “We Love You, Brenda,” “Church Bells a’Ringin’,” “Brenda, Choose Your Man,” “She Loves Us, She Loves Us Not” May the best Woodrow win!

Psycho Woodrow Zombies from Hell
Too many late, late, late shows for the Woodrow kids. Yiiikes!!! Seventeen bloodthirsty tracks, including “Gimme Brains,” “Skullcrusher Blues,” “Tasty Brains,” “Entrail Stew,” “Zombie Love,” “Gut Wrench (Literally)”, “Monster Bud,” “The More the Hairy”

Church of the Woodrows
You’ve heard about The Church of Scientology, right? Well, hear the word of the Church of the Woodrow, man! You better get on your knees and pray! Fifteen god-fearing tunes: “Lord as My Shepard,” “Jesus is Cool,” “God Loves all the Little Childrens,” “Let’s Hold Hands and Praise the Lord,” “The Devil, He Tempts Us All,” “Jesus Freaking” and more!!!

Hey Woodrow!
An early one and a surly one for sure. Ten sloppy tunes including “Ditchweed Doug,” “Goldfish Sandwich,” “Robo-Drunk,” “Have Weed Will Travel,” “Marvy’s Little Problem,” “House Arrest,” “Twinkie Farm,” and the Woodrow classic, “A Little Ying and a Lotta Yang.” Brilliant!

Run Woodrow Run!
Good advice if you’re a Woodrow. Running time is ten minutes on this one. That’s enough for thirty raunchy Woodrow gems like “Piss Pants,” “Ricky’s Got a Boner,” “Naked Twister,” “Firecracker,” “Zonked Out,” “Bum Rap (Revisited),” “Just Got Outa Jail and I Feel Like Getting’ F’d Up,” plus 23 more!

Rub-a-Dub Dub Four Woodrows in a Tub
After a two week hiatus the Woodrow Four returned with 1989s slippery soapy sequel: “Better’ n’ Shit,” “Suck-Ass Losers,” “Ralph,” “Your Mama’s a Ho (But I Love Her),” “Rat Bastards,” “S.O.B.,” “Repeat Offenders of the Faith,” “Glue Stick,” “God Hates Me,” and 33 more!

Woodrow Germs
Twenty-seven Woodrow Classics are packed onto this twenty minute limited edition, vinyl only release. Features a blistering cover of The Nuge’s “Cat Scratch Fever,” with originals “Fuck Work,” “Fuck the Government,” “Fuck the Phone Company,” “Fuck Institutions of Higher Learning.” A must have!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005




NEPAL-The AP and Rueters have reported that America's most popular and successful Badminton Team, The Flying Cocks, have changed their name. The change comes in anticipation of the F-ing Cs upcoming tournament in Berwyn, Illinois on Sunday. The duo is not letting on as to what the new name might be, however. "They'll have to show up on Sunday and find out," joked team member Chris Auman via satellite from his room at the royal palace in the Nepalese capitol of Kathmandu. Auman and his teammate Tim Davison are in Nepal to receive the coveted Award for Excellence in the Field of Badminton from King Gyanendra Bir Bikram Shah Dev.

Niles Biscuit and Ian McMcKinson contributed to this story

Monday, August 29, 2005


Wherein the Publisher Interviews Himself

Reglar Wiglar: I like that shirt.
Chris Auman: Oh, this old thing?
RW: Yeah, where’d you get it?
CA: Thrift store.
RW: It really looks good on you.
CA: Really? Thanks.
RW: So why a self-interview for this issue’s Idiotorial?
CA: Besides the fact that no one else wanted to do it, you mean?
RW: Right, besides the obvious reason.
CA: Well, I just don’t think Reglar Wiglar readers ever get a chance to see me as a person. They never get a glimpse of who I really am. All they get to see is a really fantastic magazine and they never really see the genius behind it.
RW: Maybe they don’t want a glimpse.
CA: They don’t, you’re right, but why should it always be about them?
RW: Excellent point.
CA: Thank you. You’re a really good interviewer by the way.
RW: Thanks, man. You’re cool to say that.
CA: You’re cool too.
RW: I guess were both cool!
(mutual laughter) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
RW: Ok, before this gets anymore narcissistic, let’s get to the point.
CA: Why don’t you ask me what’s been happening with the Reglar Wiglar lately?
RW: All right, what has been transpiring with the magazine as of late?
CA: Nice, I like the way you kind of reworded that, made it sound better. Anyway, I’m glad you asked that question. There’s been a lot happening, how’d you put it, as of late?
RW: Yes.
CA: A lot of changes. Sweeping changes that are directly affecting the way we run things around here.
RW: How do you run things around here?
CA: Into the ground usually.
(mutual laughter)
RW: That was really funny. Anyway, what kinds of sweeping changes are we talking about here?
CA: Well, for instance, I fired the entire staff?
RW: That’s a big sweeping change.
CA: Yes it is, and it was quite a shock to those people who were fired, which was all of them.
RW: What was their reaction?
CA: Most of them were relieved I’d say, but there were a few. .
RW: I can just imagine who, the usual suspects, huh?
CA: I know, right? Some people were all like, “Fire us? You don’t even pay us,” and I was all like, “Pay you? You don’t even work here, technically,” and they we’re all like, “F this” and “F that” and a lot of “F You!” and a few punches were thrown and I think someone’s glasses got stepped on and got crushed.
RW: That’s horrible.
CA: Yes, it was.
RW: What prompted your decision to fire everyone?
CA: It wasn’t my decision. Let’s get that straight and on the record. This decision came down from upstairs.
RW: So you had no choice?
CA: None whatsoever.
RW: So you’re kind of like the victim in all this.
CA: I am very much the victim, but to be fair, I was pretty sick of looking at a lot of those people anyway. I was sick of looking at all of them actually. So when the boys upstairs at Giganta Corp. sent word down that they were dissolving the magazine, well, let’s just say, I was game.
RW: Wait, let me get this straight, are you saying you were glad they were going to shut down the magazine?
CA: Yes.
RW: I’m shocked.
CA: Yes, the whole “shitty zine that nobody cares about” genre had gotten a bit stale for me. I’m quite bored with it really. I’ve been wanting to move on to greener pastures for awhile now?
RW: And start another magazine?
CA: And be a farmer, actually, raise cows or sheeps or llamas or something, bears, I don’t know, what do you do on a farm?
RW: Grow stuff.
CA: Sure, maybe something like that. Maybe I’ll grow chickens or something. That’s always been my dream really.
RW: Wow. That’s so noble.
CA: I should stop, I'm boring you.
RW: No, not at all. I find this all very fascinating, please continue.
CA: That’s it actually, farming.
RW: Oh. Ok. Anyway, so that’s it, huh? No more issues.
CA: No, actually, I guess I forgot to finish my story. The boys upstairs initially wanted to discontinue publication of the magazine but they had a change of heart.
RW: Tax write off?
CA: Bingo. But for that to work, they said we needed to cut back on distribution, they said we needed to cut back on quality and that we needed to have fewer advertisers.
RW: Cut back on advertising! Is it even possible for the Reglar Wiglar to attract fewer advertisers?
CA: You wouldn’t think so, but we’ll see. I think you’ll be surprised at the lack of effort we can inject into a project when we put our minds to it. I think we’re really going to take this thing underground.
RW: Further underground?
CA: Oh, yeah, that’s the beauty of being underground, the Reglar Wiglar will still exist, it just might be impossible to actually find. For example, Reglar Wiglar #22 might be one copy written on a cocktail napkin left on the table at a Wicker Park bar some night. Issue #23 might be some graffiti written on the wall in the men’s room at Millennium Park.--“Blow me” it might say. #24 might be stuck inside a fortune cookie or written on a blimp. You’ll just have to keep your ears and eyes peeled for it.
RW: If you care that is.
CA: Right, if you even give a shit.
RW: Well alright. This has been an incredibly gratifying experience. I totally enjoyed interviewing you. I’ve really learned a lot.
CA: Thank you. You really blew my mind with some of the questions your were asking. They were pretty amazing.
RW: Well thanks, I appreciate it.
CA: Hug?
RW: Sure, why not.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Reglar Wiglar #21 Out Soon, Etc.!!!

Yes, it's true, Reglar Wiglar #21 is currently at the printers and should be available for public consumption sometime next week. For those of you who don't know, the Reglar Wiglar is the zine from which this blog takes it's name. The new issue, in addition to the usual features, has interviews with Chicago's Peelers; legendary punk pioneers D.O.A. (see blog entry below); underground artist, Gary Panter; local indie rockers, Lying in States and NYC's The Hold Steady. For a real life copy of this fantastic issue, send $2 to Reglar Wiglar Magazine, 1658 N Milwaukee, #545, Chicago IL, 60647. That's a friggin' deal, people.

In other news, is about to go down (and as well), but hopefully only temporarily. I don't know when I'll have my computer and internet issues sorted out, but you'll just have to check back. Besides, the blog is where it's at, right? Where's our book deal?

And finally on a rock note, my new band, Soft Targets, is making it's club debut this Friday, August 19, at 9pm at Silvie's Lounge, 1902 W Irving Park Road in Chicago. Don't be a wuss, come out and see us and drink some beer, it's Friday for God's sake!


Chris Auman
Office Manager
Reglar Wiglar Publisher
RoosterCow Records President
Scratcher of Backs (When Reciprocated)


Back in the day, before cell phones and the Internet and DVDs and iPods and all that shit, back when VCRs were top-loaders that ejected tapes with enough force to launch a hamster ten feet across your living room (not that I ever witnessed such a stunt myself) punk bands like DOA were blazing the trail for today’s mopey emo kids. Like their American counterparts and brothers-in-arms, Black Flag, DOA, rampaged across the North American continent, as well as Europe, living their vagabond lifestyles in smelly breaking-down vans. When DOA showed up, they plugged in and leveled the joint.

If you want the full-on version of the events briefly described above, do yourself a favor and read Joe Keithley’s autobiographical, I Shithead (perhaps the funniest book title ever) The book is chuck (biscuits?) full of anecdotes that will make you yearn for the days you weren’t around for to begin with. And do check out any DOA record of the last 25 years. Bloodied But Unbowed is a must, however, just so you know.

What's the biggest difference between a day in the life of Joe Keithley in 2005 and a day in the life of Joey Shithead in 1985?

Back then I was a part-time cab driver when we weren't on tour. So the schedule during the day would be: waking up at noon and going out to drive night shift or hang out, or be driving to a show. Now I am usually up at 7am. I get my kids off to school and start doing label stuff in the morning, usually a workout around noon, unless we are on tour, then again the daytime is driving to the next town is still the order of the day.

Do you think punk is doing its job today?

Well, sort of. There are a lot of people in the underground that are working hard politically. However, a lot of the "bigger" new bands really just
pay lip service to the activist side of punk rock. It's when they get up on stage and yell "Anarchy is cool!" then they might be backstage bitching that the hotel is only three stars.

This is a quote from the Trouser Press Record Guide, from the section on DOA; "punk-rock is, by definition, a marginal occupation, and those who make millions from it aren't doing it right." Do you agree with that?

Did we say that? Or was that the writer in Trouser Press?

That was written by the Trouser Press writers.

Let's take activist music in general, say folk and punk. Despite what some might think, you can "do the right thing" and be very successful. Look at Bob
Dylan, Billy Bragg, even The Clash, The Pistols and The DKs, (despite their inner contradictions) they were all successful in their day at their main occupations which seemed to be stirring things up and inspiring people.

People tend to give Black Flag the lion's share of the credit for blazing the trail as far as punk and independent bands touring, but DOA was known to do some pretty insane tours and to travel insane distances to play shows. What is the longest distance you traveled to play a show or the most fucked up tour route you¹ve taken?

Yes, we did as many shows and tours as Black Flag. In the long run actually, a lot more. We used to trade contact numbers with them. Then we would meet each other on the road somewhere and laugh about all the places that had never seen punk rock before and how crazy their reaction was in that ‘new’ town. The longest trip via vehicle was Vancouver to NYC (3,000 miles), started December 26th for a New Year's Eve show in NYC which was cancelled when we got there and they stiffed us for the dough,1985. We also did a crazy thing that had us in; Thursday, San Francisco; Friday, NYC; Saturday, L.A., 1982. Another was, Thursday, Toronto; Friday, Berlin; Saturday, London; Sunday, Montreal, 1992.

Your first Gibson SG was stolen how many times?

It has been stolen three times. In Vancouver, Portland and Spain, and I got it back all three times. It's one of my good luck charms. You know how B.B. King and Willie Nelson have had the same guitars forever? Same thing.

You sold the infamous DOA tour banner in San Jose, but were able to buy it back. Was that a condition of the sale, being able to buy it back someday?

Yes, that was funny. We sold it for three hundred dollars on the condition that we could buy it back for the same price. The club guy had it decorating the club's ceiling. When we played there about five years later, the club guy said to me after I told him I wanted it back, “Yeah, I gave you $750 for that didn't I?” I said, “Yeah right,” and gave his three hundred. The worse part was that I got Craig Bougie (No Means No soundman) to take it down so it had five years of dust and nicotine, probably rat turds as well, falling on top of him as he took it down.

Jack Rabid, of the mega-zine The Big Takeover, wrote the intro to your autobiography, I, Shithead, and he closed the intro by saying that if youwant to hear a funny story, ask Joe about the time his son came home and told him that the kids at school said he used to have a different last name. So, I'm doing as Jack Rabid suggested in your book and asking, what is the funny story?

Yes, my eldest son Jake was in grade six at the time and he came home and said one of his teachers said I had a really funny nickname. I said, "Yeah, it' s Razor 'cause I'm so sharp on guitar!” He said, “no it's not.” Just shows you how many times they had bothered looking at DOA albums.

You also mention that the stories contained in your book are only about five percent of the stories you have. Are the best stories in the book and are there any plans for documenting the other ninety-five percent?

Some of the best stories are in there, the majority are not. I am working on a new book

What kind of music do your kids listen to?

It ranges from jazz to new punk, to big band. We all like to listen to everything.

Do they appreciate your contribution to punk rock on this continent?

Yes, and around the world as well.

Have they read I, Shithead?

I am not sure. I guess I will know for sure when some funny questions are being asked! In reality, I bet not. The two older ones hate reading. They are just into the computer lifestyle.

What's the biggest difference between Americans and Canadians?

There are lots, the most important of course is that we almost always wax you guys at hockey! Canadians are generally more polite, the cities are cleaner (just like it's portrayed in Canadian Bacon!) There is more compassion for those who are down and out. We have socialized medicine. Yep, I'm proud to be an Iceback!

What is the best American import?

Gibson and Fender guitars! Martin too!

What is the best Canadian export?

Well, not Celine Dion. Maybe Neil Young.



Disco Sucks EP7 (Can. Sudden Death) 1978
(Can. Quintessence) 1978
Triumph of the Ignoroids EP (Can. Friend's) 1979
Something Better Change (Can. Friend's) 1980
Hardcore 81 (Can. Friend's) 1981
War on 45 (Alternative Tentacles) 1982
Bloodied but Unbowed (CD Presents) 1984 (Restless) 1992
Don't Turn Yer Back (on Desperate Times) EP (Alternative Tentacles) 1985
Let's Wreck the Party (Alternative Tentacles) 1985
True (North) Strong & Free (Rock Hotel/Profile) 1987
Murder. (Restless) 1990
Talk Minus Action Equals Zero (Restless) 1990
The Dawning of a New Error (Alternative Tentacles) 1991
13 Flavours of Doom (Alternative Tentacles) 1992
It's Not Unusual...but It Sure Is Ugly! EP (Alternative Tentacles) 1993
Loggerheads (Alternative Tentacles) 1993
The Black Spot (Can. Essential Noise/Virgin) 1993
Festival of Atheists (Sudden Death) 2000
Win the Battle (Sudden Death) 2002
Are U Ready with(Sudden Death) 2003
Live Free or Die (Sudden Death) 2004

Friday, August 05, 2005

I Got Plans for Tonight

I'm gonna drink the fuck out of a beer tonight
I'm gonna drink the piss out of a pint
I'm gonna drink the shit out of a Stella, fellah
Not much you can do about it

I'm gonna smoke the hell out of a cigarette tonight
I'm gonna smoke the ass out of about twenty cigarettes as a matter of fact
Drink and smoke, drink and smoke
That's what I got going on tonight

I'm gonna listen to music and drink beer at the bar
and smoke cigarettes and talk all kinds of bullshit
I'm gonna talk a lot of smack, jack
You're gonna wanna stop listening after awhile once I get started

After the bar I'm going to eat the shit out of a burrito
I'm going to eat the fuck out of some quesadillas
I'm gonna drink a shit load of soda and go home and pass out
That's what's happening tonight, my friend

Bank on it