Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Unfortunate Cookie

My fortune cookie today says "Your problem lies not in a lack of ability, but in a lack of ambition." That doesn't sound like a fortune so much as it sounds like somebody bitching at me. I don't need that kind of a hassle after I eat, you know?

Monday, July 25, 2005

RIP: The Rocker


Famed advice columnist known only as "The Rocker" plunged to his death midway through a raucous performance, after a spectacular stage-dive went horribly wrong.

The Rocker, who was playing with his band Boss Brains at a gig promoted by US music magazine The Reglar Wiglar, jumped off the stage at a venue in Arlington Heights, Illinois.
The singer horrified fans as he reached out mid-leap to hang from a lighting rig, but missed and fell head-first onto the floor during the concert last Wednesday.

The 39-year-old died in hospital the next morning.

A witness says, "He crouched down before leaping off the stage and tried to grab the lighting rig and his momentum carried him forward.

"He went upside down and hit the floor. It lasted about five seconds. It was horrendous."

The Rocker's brother The Roller, who is also in the band, adds, "He died doing what he did best. Rocking the fuck out."

Friday, July 15, 2005

Dear Los Pinos Mexican Restauran

Dear Los Pinos Mexican Restauran,

I have received the menus from your restauran that were attached to the doorknob of the front door of my building. Thank you. I made sure that each tenant in the building got one. "Best tacos in tawn", huh? Pretty impressive!

I will look over the menu items and consider them carefully. Should I find something I like I will contact you further via the phone number printed on the front of the menu. Thanks again.

Sorry if this letter is a bit brief, I have also received menus from Golden Crust Pizza, Mr. Pollo, and Shawerma King.


Office Manager

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Calling Shipping/ Receiving

Shipping/ Receiving. This is Office Manager. Do you copy? Over.

Shipping/ Receiving. This is Office Manager. The monkey is in the barrel. Repeat. The monkey is in the barrel. Do you copy? Over.

Shipping/ Receiving. This is Office Manager. If you read me, contact me through Mr. Germ. Over.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Meanwhile, in the +BlackMetal+ chat room on soulseek...

[count_blah] You're the truest black metaller ever.
[Herr_Charles_VII] Well, thank you, but may i ask how you know me, or any of my works?
[Herr_Charles_VII] Is that from the new Satanic Warmaster cd?
[publicastration] alright pizza time bitches
[Euronymouslives] I thought you shopped at Hot Topic. Don't get me wrong I'm not insulting you... I just thought you did.
[dismembered-bodyparts] does anyone got vomitron?
[TheeIronCodpiece] Manowar could beat up Immortal in a no-holds-barred fight to the death
[ForestElf] why would manowar and immortal have a fight,they is on the same side of what is metal
[sagave_viking_master] you're just as stupid as nargaroth who faught in the woods against his enemy.
[TheeIronCodpiece] Your mom is the son of Nagaroth

Bonus blogs!:
Bedtime Stories
Halfway Around the World...
Dark Secrets
Red is He/White is SheorHe
Bad Cocaine Fueled Nightmares and Shit Hot Hair Spray Too!!!

Friday, July 08, 2005

I Got More

I got more money in my bank
I got more gas in my tank
I got more steak in my flank
I got more pull in my rank

I got more fifty in my cent
I got more control in my rent
I got more pup in my tent
I got more exhaust in my vent

I got more ring to my tone
I got more bare to my bone
I got more danger in my zone
I got more shark in my loan

I got more cell in my stem
I got more Stimpy in my Ren
I got more mustard on my bread
I got more needle on my thread

I got more hot on my wings
I got more wild in my flings
I got more mood on my swings
I got more silly in my strings

I got more crime in my century
I got more blood in my history
I got more Greek in my tragedy
I got more fear in my factory

I got more bad in my apple
More juice in my Snapple
More grip in my grapple
More Paige in my Satchel
More flim in my flam
More god in my damn
More skin in my flint
More short in my stint
More spam in my box
More sly in my fox
More Hanoi in my rocks
More tube in my socks
More swain in my cox
More ships in my docks
More geese in my flocks
More tail in my ox
More hard in my knocks
More build in my blocks

I just got more