Thursday, January 31, 2008

Enenen Interview from 2003!


Interviewed by Joey Germ

Whether you love him or hate him, think he's a genius or a loud mouth lunatic, Norbert Nelson isn't going anywhere. His white boy, bad boy antics have sold millions of records worldwide and his popularity sees no sign of abating any time soon. Joey Germ finds out what makes Enenen, and his alter ego, Slick Brady, tick.

RW: Enenen, nice to finally meet the man behind the music.

NNN: Yo, wassup?

RW: You're quite the controversial character in popular culture at the moment. Why is that?

NNN: 'Cause parents, politicians and the press don't know shit.

RW: Explain.

NNN: They don't know what else to write about so they focus on little shit and make it into a big pile of shit. Like the Britney Spears bullshit.

RW: Are you referring to your recent interview with Yo! Magazine where you referred to Britney Spears as a ho?

NNN: No, that's where they're wrong and you're wrong. I never called her a ho.

RW: But I have it right here in black and white. Yo! Magazine asks, "enenen, what do you think of Britney Spears?" and you answer--and I quote--"Britney Spears is a ho and you can quote me on that."

NNN: That's incorrect information.

RW: Where'd they get that then?

NNN: Slick Brady called Britney a ho, in point of fact, Slck Brady called her a skanky ho.

RW: So when you call Britney Spears a ho--

NNN: I didn't call Britney Spears a ho.

RW: Slick Brady did?

NNN: Exactly. Slick Brady was dissin' Britney, Norbert Nelson stays out of that shit.

RW: And that stuff about your motherr, where you call her a bitch and threaten to cut her up into "tiny little pieces, smaller than meices".

NNN: Slick was sayin' that shit, talkin' about how he was gonna stuff her in a trunk and shit.

RW: Was he talking about your mother or his mother.

NNN: I don't know, man. I got nuthin' to do wit' that dude. He's trippin'.

RW: Yeah, but you're Slick Brady, right?

NNN: Yeah, ain't that fucked up?

RW: You let him talk about your mother like that?

NNN: I know, I know. It's ain't right, but I can't control what Slick says.

RW: It would seem like you're just dumping off all responsibility for everything that comes our of your mouth by attributing it to a fictional character.

NNN: Basically, it seems like that, yeah.

RW: Who called Moby a fag?

NNN: Um, actually, that was me. My bad.

RW: So you think he's gay and so what if he is?

NNN: Bein' gay has nuthin' to do with bein' a fag.

RW: It doesn't?

NNN: Hell no. I don't mind gays so much, I just don't like fags. You can be gay and not be a fag, just like you don't have to be gay to be a fag. Besides Moby is more of a little bitch girl anyway.

RW: I see your logic . . . I think.

NNN: Next question.

RW: What makes Enenen tick?

NNN: My little girl. My little girl is the most important thing in my life. She's the bomb.

RW: Moby's a little girl but you don't like him?

NNN: Hey, let's stop talkin' about that bitch. He's worse than that puppet dog that was messin' with me at the music awards.

RW: Sorry. What's next for Enenen?

NNN: I got a new jam comin' out soon. Look for my new record, Enenenema out this spring. I really flush it out of my system on this one. It's my best record since The Colonic. I'm out.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Expert Superbowl Analysis

Live from the Reglar Wiglar Sportz Action Desk in Beautiful Albany Park

Sports Pundit #1: If the Giants are going to win the Superbowl this year, they're going to really have to step up their game.

Sports Pundit #2: They really are.

Sports Pundit #1: The thing the Patriots do so well--and what I think
separates them from some of the other teams in the league--is their ability
to score points. If you can score points, you're gonna win the game.

Sports Pundit #2: You really are.

Sports Pundit #1: A combination of the ability to, on the one hand, score
points, which is paramount, and the ability to prevent the other team from
scoring points, which is also paramount, is what a good football team needs
to do to win. That's just good football.

Sports Pundit #2: That is good football.

Sports Pundit #1: And the Patriots play good football.

Sports Pundit #2: They certainly do.

Sports Pundit #1: Except when they're playing bad football.

Sportscaster #2: Ha ha, right, but it's important to keep in mind going into this game that the Giants are also capable of playing good or bad football.

Sportscaster #1: Well, yeah and that can't be understated.

Sportscaster #2: It can't, so what it's going to come down to is who is going to show up in Phoenix on Sunday and play good football.

Sportscaster #1: And who's going to play bad football.

Sportscaster #2: Yes, that's the challenge right there.

Sportscaster #1: Goll dang, we're smart sometimes.

Sportscaster #2: Well, we're students of the game of football.

Sportscaster #1: Yes, we are.

Sportscaster #2: Patriots are gonna kill the Giants aren't they.

Sportscaster #1: Oh Christ yes. It's gonna be ugly.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

A New Year: A New Beginning

(From the vaults, Reglar Wiglar #10 1998)

New Year's resolutions, we all make them. We all make promises to ourselves that this year will be different than the last. This year we'll really lose that beer gut. This year we'll quit smoking, eat better and drink less. This year we'll make our loan payments in a more timely fashion. "Why do we do this to ourselves?" I often exclaim outloud at this time of year. "We seem to enjoy setting ourselves up for failure!" We seem to revel in the revelation that once again we won't finish anything we start and that our will to change is nil. See if you have enough will power to turn page four and read Jayne Wayne's interview with the reigning rock diva, Annie Baldwell.

But that's the whole point in starting a new year: starting fresh with a new perspective and a clean slate. The past is benind us and the future is ours and it lies ahead of us, waiting for us to grab ahold of and make the most o , molding it to fit our needs, our desires and dreams just like Skatastrophe, the latest ska sensation from South Dakota. Turn to page six for Joey Germ's interview.

Not only does the beginning of a new year usher in a new year of new experiences, new friendships and new opportunities, by the same token it bids farewell to the old year---the year gone by with all its old joys and old pains and sorrows, shattered dreams, goal just missed, regrets and the endless parade of "if only's" marching through our consciences: if only I would have tried harder, if only I would have fought more for what I truly believe, if only I could find something to believe in, if only I would have not settled for less, if only I would have not made material wealth and the advancement of my career at the expense of friends and family my only goal... to see what goals rappers White Bred and Honky MC have set for 1998 turn to page ten.

So whether you are at a crossroads in your life or at a fork in the road, whether you are looking into the future with open eyes or into the past with regret and shame, turn to page twenty for the usual crop of hilarious record reviews from some of this country's least competent record "reviewers" and keep reaching for the stars at the end of the horizon that stretches out before you like an open, endless road.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

I just fuckin' watched the fuckin' Tenacious D movie

I just fuckin' watched the fuckin' Tenacious D movie from fuckin' beginning to fuckin' end. I'd seen a few fuckin' bits and pieces of it fuckin' before, because HBO runs it like twice every fuckin' day. Sometimes even at like 9 in the fuckin' morning. Anyway, this fuckin' movie is not very fuckin' good. It's pretty fuckin' funny in a few fuckin' parts, but there's just something about the fuckin' dialog that fuckin' bothered me a bit, you fuckin' know what I mean? It was like all the fuckin' characters kind of talked in this fuckin' same fuckin' annoying fuckin' unrealistic manner that tended to fuckin' grate on my fuckin' nerves after a fuckin' while. Like the way every fuckin' character said "dude", too fuckin' much. Also, the way they fuckin' talked about "rock" like every fuckin' five fuckin' seconds. It's called "rock and roll" and Tenacious D fuckin' sucks dog dicks at it. Dave Grohl impresses me slightly less. I'm sure there are other fuckin' examples of the fuckin' tedious nature of the fuckin' dialog, but I'm at a fuckin' loss right now, as my brain has been beaten into fuckin' submission by the tedium of the fuckin' "comedy". One fuckin' thing they did alot was when a character was fuckin' explaining some fuckin' important thing to another fuckin' character, he (there were no fuckin' main fuckin' female characters in this fuckin' movie (I'm not fuckin' sure if that's fuckin' relevant or fuckin' not (just fuckin' sayin'))) fuckin' squatted down and said his fuckin' lines reaaaalll fuuuucccckkkinnn' sloooowww and bounced on his fuckin' knees and held his fuckin' arms out for fuckin' emphasis, I fuckin' guess. Anyway, also fuckin' annoying.
As I said, it was pretty fuckin' funny in some parts, it was pretty fuckin' unfunny in way fuckin' more parts. I mean, fuckin... what a fuckin' waste of Neil Hamburger - one fuckin' half a line, give me a fuckin' fuckin' break - and an even fuckin' worse waste of fuckin' enormous talent was Paul Fuckin' F. Tompkins, the famous fuckin' comedian, and the current funniest fuckin' guy around. And what the fuckin' fuck? Was he supposed to be the fuckin' devil in disguise fuckin' all along, or was that just some fuckin' lazy fuckin' screenwriting?
You know what this fuckin' movie reminded me of? Fuckin' Anchorman - a reasonable time:laugh ratio that, due to fuckin' weak-ass fuckin' character development, and a sloppy fuckin' storyline that fuckin' felt like it took less time to fuckin' write than it did to fuckin' watch - adding up to a fuckin' deeply unlikeable fuckin' movie.
Thumbs fuckin' down! Fuckin' zero fuckin' stars!
-Jack Blecchh

Weeds the Dope Dog

Editor's note: This disgusting little piece of commentary was written by stand-up comic, Monsieur Champagne (published in Reglar Wiglar #10) back in 1998 when he was even more obscure and pitiful.


By Matt "Ol' Brown Eye" Champagne, Comedian

It is fairly common knowledge that I don't wipe well. My number two's have always been a bit on the rich side, and no matter how much wiping, cleaning, dabbing or regrouting I attempt, there's just no way to completely rid my brown eye of the old brown, if you follow me. Irritation soon follows, of course, and it's usually around midday that I start to look like I'm attempting to do the twist or the shag or the worm: an almost convulsive walk with upward tugs coming from the hips in a desperate attempt to get back to the can to indulge in additional wiping.

(The rest is too foul to publish here, if you wish to continue reading please click here.)

Friday, January 18, 2008

Reglar Wiglar Staff Meeting Minutes

(From the vaults, Reglar Wiglar #4, 1994)

Recently, we had our first official staff meeting and man did it suck. We kind of always assumed that everybody who worked for the "magazine" were professionals until we actually tried to act like it. Anyway, here are the minutes from that meeting as transcribed by Secretary, Joey T. Germ, on his lap top computer.

Location: Zeke's on Ashland
Chairman: P.C. Jones
Secretary: Joseph Titanium Germ

7:00PM Meeting scheduled to begin at this time. Present are P.C. Jones, myself (Joey Germ) and that's it. We have a couple of drinks.

7:30PM No one else has showed as of yet. Mr. Germ (me) wishes silently that he were somewhere else getting drunk and in better company. More drinks are ordered.

8:00PM Thought I spotted Muggsy McMurphy's Duster cruise by, but it may have been someone else. Mr. Jones has started a twenty minute monologue about the horrors he encountered in high school P.E. class. It may be time to make a break for the door--wait a minute--holy shit, he just ordered me a beer and paid for it. Will wonders never cease?

8:03PM Muggsy McMurphy just showed up, looks stoned, dude thinks of everything.

Meeting officially starts at 8:03PM.

Mr. McMurphy has motioned for the meeting to be postponed until someone who actually gives a shit about the meeting shows up. The motion has been seconded by Mr. Germ and the meeting will be postponed. Heavy drinking has been suggested as substitute.

Mr. Germ has motioned that Mr. Jones be required to buy the next three rounds. The option has been seconded by Mr. McMurphy. Mr. Jones will be required to buy the next three rounds. Shit, this motion has been vetoed by Mr. Jones.

Mr. Jones motions for Mr. Germ to buy the next five rounds. This is seconded by Mr. McMurphy and I am screwed. Not I'm not. I'm out of money.

9:00PM It turns out that Mr. Jones actually told everyone but me that the meeting was to start at 9:00PM and not 7:00PM (which he denies) and that the only reason Mr. McMurphy showed up at 8:03PM was so that he would have a good hour to get rocked before the meeting started. Don't know what Mr. Jones deal is.

7:05PM Mz. Wayne, along with T-Bone and Larry Leffert have arrived. Some diseased-looking creature who closely resembles a Biohazzard roadie, has just walked in. The Budget Movie Critic has just, ever-so-lightly-in-his-loafers, skipped into Zeke's. Some other people who look really bored came in too.

7:10PM People are staring blankly around the room and nobody has got shit to say except Mz. Wayne who is very vocal as usual, having plenty to say about not much at all. I'm drunk and actually start to act like it.

Jesus Christ! Look at this collection of freaks and burnouts. This place looks like a concentration camp for the butt-ugly. Why did I agree to come to this god awful bar?

8:00PM Not much business has been discussed. Just a bunch of bickering and griping mostly. Forgot to type most of it--all of it actually.

8:30PM Just used the can. Pissed on my pants a little, gotta watch that in front of these people. What the f*ck, they're probably all going back to Joliet after this anyway.

9:00PM Very close to puking now. Am vre y drnk . . . m ust passs out afor I barass miself agin.

Notes from Meeting

No Wiglar function shall ever take place in a bar or anywhere near where alcoholic beverage are can be consumed, smelled or even thought about.

Future staff meetings will be an opportunity to bounce ideas off one another, NOT beer

Some modicum of political correctness should be adhered to in speech and conduct so no one will walk out feeling deeply offended and resentful making threats of revenge and mumbling certain words like castration and modified circumcision. No names will be mentioned concerning this. Enough said, just drop it.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Western Avenue Music Reviews!

Certain CD promos, certain demo tapes, certain seven inch singles that record companies send us, and even things we fucked up and paid for, get special treatment here at the Reglar Wiglar Offices. Which brings us to another installment of:

Western Avenue: The Longest Noncurving Street in the World

Western Avenue, the longest, if not the cruelest, dirtiest, most unforgiving and merciless, noncurving street in the world: I've seen it rear its ugly, asphalt-coated head, open its guardrail jaws and devour countless autos, hapless pedestrians and innocent school children. I've seen it destroy people's lives, loves and dreams. So, if we listen to something and it really offends us--pisses us off because it sucks so bad--yeah, you catch on quick, it gets the toss down to Western Avenue, where it don't last log, genius.--J. Germ

Jamies Walters self-titled (Atlantic)
Aka Ray Pruitt from the hit Fox television program Beverly Hills 90210. If you found yourself slowly, but surely, falling in love with the music and voice (and boyish good looks) of 90210's Ray Pruitt, you'll want to run right out and buy a copy of this Jamie Walters CD and play it over and over again. You'll find solace in his soothing voice and hope in his heartfelt lyrics. Or you can do waht we did and give it the toss down to Western Ave. A Hasselhoff record coulda lasted longer under that Yugo.

David Hasselhoff self-titled (Critique BMG)
Hasselhoff may mean big blue-eyed stud in German but in English it still means Big Old Chunk of Moldy Cheese. As much as I laugh at Hasselhoff's work as an actor, he's much better holding in his gut on the beaches of Southern California than he is belting out annoying covers of classic songs. I thought for sure Hasselhoff was tuffer than that little Walters twerp, but no such luck, not under the wheels of that Toyota Camry.

Sponge Rotting Pinata (Sony)
What is the primary function of a sponge? Sponges suck. And so do records by bands named Sponge. What is one definition of a sponge? Kick it Webster's: "to live at another's expense." Yeah, like Sponge lives at the expense of sponges Stone Temple Pilots! You know what sponge cake is? It's cake made without shortening. Fuck that!

Wheeeeee! This CD didn't even make it past the sidewalk 'cause it sucked in the wind too. Ha haaaa!!!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Woodrows Mania I

A Select Discography of releases by

Run, Woodrow, Run (RoosterCow) 1980

Shit or Get off the Pot (RoosterCow) 1980

Snake in the Grass (RoosterCow) 1980

Ganja Stomp (RoosterCow) 1980

Tar Eater (RoosterCow) 1980

Beer, Brat & Broads (Woodrow Hill) 1981

Drunk (Woodrow Hill) 1981

Burn the Fucker Down (Live) (Woodrow Hill) 1981

Goin' East (Woodrow Hill) 1981

Acid Days (Woodrow Hill) 1981

Naked (Woodrow Hill) 1981

Last Chance for the Last Chance (Live at the Last Chance) (Woodrow Hill) 1981

Punk's not Dead (It Was Just in Rehab) (Woodrow Hill) 1981

Beer, Brats & Broads II (Woodrow Hill) 1982

Grab Ass: The Ballads (RoosterCow) 1982

All F'd Up (Really Rad) 1982

Stoned to the Bone (Woodrow Hill) 1982

Drunk Tank (Woodrow Hill) 1982

All F'd Up & Naked (Really Rad) 1983

Scroggin' (Woodrow Hill) 1984

The Metal Years 1983-1983 (Metalli-Sized) 1983

Terry's Got a Boner (Woodrow Hill) 1984

Beer, Brats & Broads III (Woodrow Hill) 1984

Did the Crime, Fuck the Time (Woodrow Hill) 1984

Crime Doesn't Pay PSA State of Wisconsin Correctional Facilities Recording Studios)

Underage Drinking is Against the Law and You Will Be Prosecuted PSA State of
Wisconsin Correctional Facilities Recording Studios) 1984

Just Say No to Drugs (Like We Should Have) PSA State of Wisconsin Correctional
Facilities Recording Studios) 1984

Drunk, Broke, Naked & Free (RoosterCow) 1984

Stick Fight (Woodrow Hill) 1984

Dead Drunk & Naked (Woodrow Hill) 1985

Sellin' Out Ain't Easy (Woodrow Hill) 1985

We're Not As Think As You Stoned We Are (RoosterCow) 1985

We Don't Have a Drinking Problem, We Drink, We Get Drunk, We Fall Down, No Problem
(RoosterCow) 1985

Cat in a Bag (Woodrow Hill) 1985

Jail Sucks (Woodrow Hill) 1985

The Woodrows, MotherScratcher Live (Really Rad) 1985

Heavy on the Funk (Furball) 1986

Dead on Funk (Furball) 1986

Ain't Funkin' Around (Furball) 1986

Funk it Up (Furball) 1986

Fuck Funk, Funk Sucks (Woodrow Hill) 1987

The Woodrows Greatest Hits Vol I (Woodrow Hill) 1987

The Woodrows Greatest Hits Vol II (Woodrow Hill) 1988

The Woodrows Greatest Hits Vol III (Woodrow Hill) 1988

The Woodrows Greatest Hits Vol IV (Woodrow Hill) 1989

The Woodrows Greatest Hits Vol V (Woodrow Hill) 1990

The Woodrows Greatest Hits Vol VI (Woodrow Hill) 1990

The Woodrows Greatest Hits Vol VII (Woodrow Hill) 1991

The Woodrows Greatest Hits Vol VIII (Woodrow Hill) 1991

The Woodrows Greatest Hits Vol IX (Woodrow Hill) 1992

The Woodrows Greatest Hits Vol X (Woodrow Hill) 1992

Raised on Ritilin (RoosterCow) 1987

Get Us out of Jail Free (RoosterCow) 1987

We Need Money (RoosterCow) 1987

Probation Schmobation (Woodrow Hill) 1987

We've Come for Your Pets (Woodrow Hill) 1987

Rok All Night (Metalli-Sized) 1987

We've Fallen . . . And We Can't Get Up (Woodrow Hill) 1987

Christ is Lord (Woodrow Hill) 1988

Church of the Woodrows (Woodrow Hill) 1989

Devil Music and Cheap Gin (Woodrow Hill) 1989

Beer is a Buck but the Acid is Free (Live) (Woodrow Hill) 1989

Let's Do Lunch (Woodrow Hill) 1990

Blow Us (Woodrow Hill) 1990

Alernative Muzak (Woodrow Hill) 1990

Grunge's Been Good to Us (Sub Pop) 1990

10 Year Bender (Ain't Gonna Stop) (Woodrow Hill) 1990

Seven Inches of Love 7" EP (Woodrow Hill) 1991

Color Me Horny (Really Rad) 1991

Road Drinkin' (Woodrow Hill) 1992

Grin and Bear it (Woodrow Hill) 1993

"Everythings Alright" b/w "Rock Tonight" 7" (Woodrow
Hill) 1992

Jail Ain't Shit (Woodrow Hill) 1993

Ska Ska Ska! (Ska Records) 1993

Skatin' Skank & Ska (Ska Records) 1993

Rude Dude (Ska Records) 1993

Ska is our Business . . . And Business is Good (Ska Records) 1993

The Almighty Ska (Ska Records) 1993

Fuck Ska, Ska Sucks (Woodrow Hill) 1993

You Might Think We're Sexy but All We Want is You (Woodrow Hill) 1993

Meatloaf on the Brain (Woodrow Hill) 1994

You Got My Pants, Man? (Woodrow Hill) 1994

Drunk if We Do, Drunk if We Don't (Woodrow Hill) 1994

Misdemeanor THIS (Really Rad) 1994

Cops Suck (RoosterCow) 1994

Hangover Helpers (RoosterCow) 1994

"I Voted for Clinton" b/w "Fuck the G.O.P." split 7"
w/MotherScratcher (Woodrow Hill) 1994

Lights Out (Live '95) (Woodrow Hill) 1995

Fried Bologna Box Set (Woodrow Hill) 1995

Drunk as Shit Box Set (Woodrow Hill) 1995

Super Atomic Pelvic Thrusters (Woodrow Hill) 1995

Ganja Stomp Box Set (Woodrow Hill) 1995

This One's for G.G. (Woodrow Hill) 1995

Grunge's Not Dead (It Was Just in Rehab)

The Woodrows Anthology Vol. I (Woodrow Hill) 1990

The Woodrows Anthology Vol. II (Woodrow Hill) 1990

The Woodrows Anthology Vol. III (Woodrow Hill) 1991

The Woodrows Anthology Vol. IIII (Woodrow Hill) 1991

The Woodrows Anthology Vol. IIIII (Woodrow Hill) 1992

The Woodrows Anthology Vol. IIIIII (Woodrow Hill) 1992

The Woodrows Anthology Vol. IIIIIII (Woodrow Hill) 1993

The Woodrows Anthology Vol. IIIIIIII (Woodrow Hill) 1993

The Woodrows Anthology Vol. IIIIIIIII (Woodrow Hill) 1994

The Woodrows Anthology Vol. IIIIIIIIII (Woodrow Hill) 1994

Leave it to Marvy to Eat a Beaver (Woodrow Hill) 1996

Ripped (RoosterCow) 1996

Courtesy Patrol (Woodrow Hill) 1997

In the Bag (Woodrow Hill) 1997

Sweet, Sweet Redneck Hillbilly Music (OFF-White) 1997

Woodrows 2,000 (Woodrow Hill) 1997

Road Loadin' 1 (Woodrow Hill) 1997

Road Loadin' 2 (Woodrow Hill) 1997

Momma Weren't No Whore (Woodrow Hill) 1998

Woodrow Dance Party Fever Vol. 1 (Remixes) (Globule) 1998

Count Down to the Apocalypse (Everybody Dance) (Globule) 1998

Do the Woodrow (Globule) 1998

Friday, January 11, 2008

Bleed for me

I've dealt with some tough editors in my day, but my high school publications instructor, Ms. Stenger, might have been the toughest. Holy shit!

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

That's off the hook!

What's up, bro?
How's it hangin', brah?
What's up, dog?
Say what?
Don't go there.
Do NOT go there.
Don't even go there.
No you didn't.
Say again.
No shit?
That's off the hook!
All right dog.
Take care, man.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

White Bred & Honky M.C.

To celebrate fifteen long, pointless years of Reglar Wiglar Magazine, we have decided to dig through the archives and recycle some "Wiglar Classics". Like this interview from 1994 which documents our first encounter with Rockford, Illinois greatest contribution to rap music: White Bred & Honky MC.

Please enjoy responsibly.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Fact-checking Henry Rollins

In the audiobook version of Get In the Van, Henry Rollins states that "Flipper's bassist" Ted Falconi is "intense" .
Intensity notwithstanding, Mr. Rollins' assertion is incorrect. While there have been five humans upon whom we may bestow bass-playership of Flipper, none are Ted Falconi.

Mr. Falconi is, and always will be, their irreplacable guitarist.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

2008 is Great!!!

Happy New Year, Freaks!

2008 marks the 15 Year Anniversary of the Reglar Wilgar!

As well as the official unofficial 5 Year Anniversary of RoosterCow Records!

Ain't it excitin'?