Happy Holidays from the Reglar Wiglar staff!

(l-r; Joey T. Germ, P.C. Jones, Muggsy McMurphy, Irresistible Frank, P.C. Jones, Tim Davison, Malcolm Tent)

War on Christmas = ON!

Sam Seder throws down the gauntlet.

Listen, as far as the war on Christmas goes, I feel like we should be waging a war on Christmas. I mean, I believe that Christmas, it's almost proven that Christmas has nuclear weapons, can be an imminent threat to this country, that they have operative ties with terrorists and I believe that we should sacrifice thousands of American lives in pursuit of this war on Christmas. And hundreds of billions of dollars of taxpayer money. ...I'd like to get back to the operational ties between Santa Claus and al Qaeda... We have intelligence, we have intelligence...we have tortured an elf and it's actually how we got the same information from Al Libbi. It's exactly the same way the Bush administration got this info about the operational ties between al Qaeda and Saddam....Don't cut and run from the War on Christmas!

UPDATE:
This just in: http://war-on-christmas.blogspot.com/I’m starting a new War on Christmas. This one requires that all Christians boycott all Christmas shopping and use the money instead to support their church, Christian missionary group, or Christian charity.

Holiday gift ideas!

This Spin Stops Here briefcase is 100% Made in USA from tough, water resistant 600 denier nylon. It has a large main pocket along with an accessory pocket and a "clamshell" opening section to conveniently carry all your necessities for work or play.
Its handles are poly-wrapped and it includes a detachable, padded shoulder strap, too.
Best of all this unique, Made in the USA bag has a big "Spin Stops Here!" logo composed of over 13,000 embroidered stitches.



These high quality chrome-plated license plate frames are embossed with "God Bless America" on the top and "No Spin" with flag on the bottom.
Put one on your car and everyone on the road will know that you're a Factor fan.
***These license plate frames are made to fit license plates in all the U.S. states. However, certain states prohibit the covering of any plate information and may impose fines for violation. BillOReilly.com can not be held responsible for your state's license plate requirements. Please check with your state's Department of Motor Vehicles for details before purchasing. In particular, Texas has certain laws that may or may not allow this license plate frame to be used.



The mug Bill calls "The Best Mug in the World!" Our mugs are all custom made in the USA for Bill, and will hold almost 16 ounces of your morning coffee. Our logo is printed on both sides of the mug, so left or right handed, coming or going, out on a table or up on a shelf... it will always be on display! This mug is available in navy or white, and is dishwasher and microwave safe.



Full color 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle featuring Bill at work in the O'Reilly Factor studio. A website exclusive.
Be the first in your village to own the exclusive Bill O'Reilly Jigsaw Puzzle.


The No Spin pipe is an offspring of the vaporiser family, easy to use and will really get you "in the 'Zone'". Just put your favorite smoking blend in the bowl (make sure it's very fine and MADE IN THE U.S.A.) and heat the bottom of the bowl until a fine steam starts.
You can now start smoking as with a traditional pipe, while you watch your favorite tv show!

George W. Bush hates Christmas

"It bothers me that the White House card leaves off any reference to Jesus, while we've got Ramadan celebrations in the White House... What's going on there?"

Bill O'Reilly hates Christmas

Ideas for Soft Targets album titles

Will The Real Soft Targets Please Stand Up?
Soft Targets Get Bombed
There Are But One Soft Targets
Hardly Workin'

T-Day, amen.

Thanksgiving Day, Nov. 28, 1986
by William S. Burroughs
For John Dillinger
In hope he is still alive

Thanks for the wild turkey and the Passenger Pigeons, destined to be shit out through wholesome American guts --

thanks for a Continent to despoil and poison --

thanks for Indians to provide a modicum of challenge and danger --

thanks for vast herds of bison to kill and skin, leaving the carcass to rot --

thanks for bounties on wolves and coyotes --

thanks for the AMERICAN DREAM to vulgarize and falsify until the bare lies shine through --

thanks for the KKK, for nigger-killing lawmen feeling their notches, for decent church-going women with their mean, pinched, bitter, evil faces --

thanks for "Kill a Queer for Christ" stickers --

thanks for laboratory AIDS --

thanks for Prohibition and the War Against Drugs --

thanks for a country where nobody is allowed to mind his own business --

thanks for a nation of finks -- yes,

thanks for all the memories... all right, let's see your arms... you always were a headache and you always were a bore --

thanks for the last and greatest betrayal of the last and greatest of human dreams.

The President of the United States of America

Ten last names of people I went to grade school withthat would be plausible Chicago 'post-rock' band names

1. Lyter
2. Camacho
3. Carlson
4. Kanofsky
5. Gorman
6. Beers
7. Syed
8. Rock
9. Leske
10. Seidlitz

Something you should know

Under the Sedition Act, anyone "opposing or resisting any law of the United States, or any act of the President of the United States" could be imprisoned for up to two years. It was also illegal to "write, print, utter, or publish" anything that criticized the president or Congress. It was notable that the Act did not prohibit criticism of the Vice-president.

Mike Wing's brother Chris

Browsing allmusic.com this morning, we came across this interesting version of the New Rob Robbies saga:

Biography
by Mike DaRonco

The breakup of the Bowling Green, OH-based Dutch Crumbs, the Blank Schatz, and Sheepish Grin would eventually result in the 1993 formation of the New Rob Robbies. Originally consisting of George Kraynak (vocals), Robbie Butler (drums), Paul Johnson (guitar), and Mike Wing (bass), the quartet relocated to Chicago and released their debut EP in 1994 as a split with Vambo Marble Eye. 

With their power pop inspirations of Hüsker Dü and the Replacements, the New Rob Robbies released their first full-length, Just Add Butter...Wilson's Revenge, in 1996. Mike's brother Chris Wing took over on bass before the band signed to Owned and Operated Records. Their second album, Pure Whore, soon followed in 1999.

Theodore Roosevelt Heller, R.I.P.

Theodore Roosevelt Heller, 88, loving father of Charles (Joann) Heller; dear brother of the late Sonya (the late Jack) Steinberg. Ted was discharged from the U.S. Army during WWII due to service related injuries, and then forced his way back into the Illinois National Guard insisting no one tells him when to serve his country. Graveside services Tuesday 11 a.m. at Waldheim Jewish Cemetery (Ziditshover section), 1700 S. Harlem Ave., Chicago. In lieu of flowers, please send acerbic letters to Republicans.

Published in the Chicago Tribune on 10/10/2005.

Half the story

At this exact moment, I'm parked at my work station, listening to last night's Best Show, enjoying a fresh "Mike Dixon", contemplating abondoning my effort to finish Neuromancer in favor of starting Good As Gold, and perusing the electronically-encoded B.S. "here" on this web-site (presently the sole official internet source for the Reglar Wiglar's trademark humor-simulations).
We've presented some funny and even more not-really-funny stuff over the past eight months, but it's occurred to me that if anyone's checking in with any regularity (if there's any way to keep track of the hits on this page, we haven't figured it out yet), they may only be getting HALF THE STORY. At the bottom of each and every delicious blog entry, there is a link to a comments section, where readers are encouraged to contribute their own 2 cents.
For instance, you may have missed the opportunity to weigh in on the spirited debate over whether or not snack chips belong on sandwiches; or to suggest a question for Buzz Osborne to ingnore; or maybe you've got a Jimmy Buffet prank call fantasy you'd like to share; or maybe you just want to insult the author, insulated by the anonymity that emboldens you and so many of your fellow internet cowards. Seriously, we love our readers, won't you consider giving some of it back, or at least throw it back in our stupid faces once in a while?
--J.D. Fortune

Top twenty Google image searches for Fall song titles

1. Like To Blow
2. Spoilt Victorian Child
3. Pumpkin Soup and Mashed Potatoes
4. You're Not Up To Much
5. Hey, Student!
6. Kicker Conspiracy
7. D.I.Y. Meat
8. Oswald Defense Lawyer
9. Psycho Mafia
10. Don't Take The Pizza
11. My New House
12. Various Times
13. Guide Me Soft
14. Mike's Love Xexagon
15. The Classical
16. He Pep!
17. This Perfect Day
18. Bill Is Dead
19. Oxymoron
20. The Crying Marshal

Top ten Google image searches for Misfits song titles!

1. We Are 138
2. She
3. 20 Eyes
4. Green Hell
5. We Bite
6. Spinal Remains
7. Rat Fink
8. Last Caress
9. Skulls
10. All Hell Breaks Loose

Another reason to impeach the S.O.B.

Shameful.

Help!

I totally can't tell if this is real or not!

UPDATE: I'm pretty sure it's real.
Hey! Go buy some dead animals from James Hetfield!

RIP: The Rocker

ROCKER DIES AFTER STAGE-DIVING DURING A GIG

Famed advice columnist known only as "The Rocker" plunged to his death midway through a raucous performance, after a spectacular stage-dive went horribly wrong.

The Rocker, who was playing with his band Boss Brains at a gig promoted by US music magazine The Reglar Wiglar, jumped off the stage at a venue in Arlington Heights, Illinois.
The singer horrified fans as he reached out mid-leap to hang from a lighting rig, but missed and fell head-first onto the floor during the concert last Wednesday.

The 39-year-old died in hospital the next morning.

A witness says, "He crouched down before leaping off the stage and tried to grab the lighting rig and his momentum carried him forward.

"He went upside down and hit the floor. It lasted about five seconds. It was horrendous."

The Rocker's brother The Roller, who is also in the band, adds, "He died doing what he did best. Rocking the fuck out."

Meanwhile, in the +BlackMetal+ chat room on soulseek...

[count_blah] You're the truest black metaller ever.
[Herr_Charles_VII] Well, thank you, but may i ask how you know me, or any of my works?
[+Nucular_Frost+] GETCHOO SUM DENTAL FLOSS WHILE YOU SEXIN
[Herr_Charles_VII] Is that from the new Satanic Warmaster cd?
[publicastration] alright pizza time bitches
[Euronymouslives] I thought you shopped at Hot Topic. Don't get me wrong I'm not insulting you... I just thought you did.
[dismembered-bodyparts] does anyone got vomitron?
[TheeIronCodpiece] Manowar could beat up Immortal in a no-holds-barred fight to the death
[ForestElf] why would manowar and immortal have a fight,they is on the same side of what is metal
[sagave_viking_master] you're just as stupid as nargaroth who faught in the woods against his enemy.
[TheeIronCodpiece] Your mom is the son of Nagaroth

Bonus blogs!:
Bedtime Stories
Halfway Around the World...
Dark Secrets
Red is He/White is SheorHe
Bad Cocaine Fueled Nightmares and Shit Hot Hair Spray Too!!!
?????
??????
???????

Thousands and thousands and thousands of old 45s...Many unplayed...yours dirt cheap...but there's a catch

Q: Hi, do you know if you have any Skrewdriver records in there, and if yes could you sell separately? Thanks

A: I won't sell anything separately and I doubt that I have any Skrewdriver records.

JIMMY BUFFETT LOST HIS CELL PHONE!

Jimmy Buffett got into a situation in Palm Beach, Fla., recently that had a lot of similarities to Paris Hilton's now-famous T-Mobile Sidekick incident. Trouble began when Buffett lost his cell phone, and it ended with the involvement of the U.S. Secret Service.
The Mayor of Margaritaville was seen dancing into the early morning hours of May 29 at Palm Beach's Cuban nightclub Brisa Atlantica. At 4 a.m., during cleanup, busboy Jason Martin, 22, ran across a $500 Ericsson cell phone.
"We were sitting around smoking weed and scrolling down the list on Jimmy's phone, going, ‘Wow!'" Martin told the Page Two gossip column of the Palm Beach Post. He said he didn't call anyone but his friends might have crank-called former President Bill Clinton.
Other bigwig contacts on the phone included Al Gore, Jimmy Carter, Clint Black, George Strait, Alan Jackson, Cam'ron, George Clooney, Michael Douglas, Harrison Ford and Bill Gates.
Martin said a Buffett associate called the cell phone on May 30.
"He said I was a thief and a liar," Martin told the paper. "Then I called [Buffett's wife's] number and she was nasty to me. So I told them I wouldn't give it back."
Despite a $200 reward offer, the busboy still refused to turn over the phone. After Buffett called the restaurant, the owner fired Martin and police were called. Because the digitsof ex-presidents were on the phone, the Secret Service was brought in as well.
Martin finally turned over the phone but the memory card was missing. According to a police report, the busboy told a witness he planned to sell the SIM card to the National Enquirer. However, Buffett told the Post it's pretty much OK as things stand.
"There wasn't much on [the chip]," the artist said. "Although, whoever had the phone may have called a couple of my contacts."
He didn't elaborate but said the phone's keypad was locked by password.
"Not true," the busboy responded. "I wonder if Jimmy really knows how these things work."

Random Mix CD (for Steve Stelling)

Clarence 'Frogman' Henry - That's When I Guessed
Strapping Fieldhands - The Oath
W.A.S.P. - Tormenter
The Dirtbombs - Kiss Kiss Kiss
Sun City Girls - This Is My Name
Captain Beefheart & the Magic Band - Brickbats
Blind Lemon Jefferson - That Crawlin Baby Blues
Melvins - Flex With You (demo)
Erik B. & Rakim - I Know You Got Soul
Minutemen - There Ain't Shit On T.V. Tonight
Bill Withers - The Same Love That Made Me Laugh (has made me cry)
Killdozer - The Nobbies (A Sea Shanty)
Three Six Mafia - Let's Start A Riot
Califone - Dock Boggs
Edan - Rock and Roll
Clarence Carter - Too Weak to Fight
Jermain Tamraz - Title Unknown
The Replacements - Get Off the Phone
Annette Snell - Love Connection
Red Nichols Stompers - Where My Cot Where the Cot-cot-cotton Grows

If you would like your own custom-made, randomly-selected cd mix, send your name and address to sbsweaty at gmail dot com, buckaroo.

...

More soon

Sorry about the lack of updates, we'll be more persistent here pretty soon. Like a few days, no more than a week or two.
In the meantime, you may want to check out this Bo Bice blog,this video of Buzz Osborne watching the White Sox / Mariners game, and this excellent tribute to Mother's Day.

Inappropriate, perhaps illegal...

...but kind of awesome.

Also, everyone knows about this by now, right?
Hopefully this news will be what it takes to put my man over the top.

Uh, oh.

Adjust the volume on your computer, grab a cold beverage, sit down and get ready. Your life is about to change forever.

Now, click here.

Introducing "The Mike Dixon"

My signature sandwich, which I just invented just now consists of:
Two slices of hearty light rye bread (seeded),upon each of which is slathered a sensible amount of creamy peanut butter, with a small handful of Uncle Ray's Jalapeno Flavored Potato Chips between.
++
Try it out!

3 quick reviews

Mark B. - Things Marb (Agent Records)
Even though this cd sounds like Pee Wee Herman singing for Dag Nasty (not much different from regular Dag Nasty - I never realized how similar Mssrs. Smalley and Ruebens sounded), and the lyrics are literally about the wonderfulness of a mall-punk life, I like it. Wait, I've revised my opinion slightly. Replace "Even though" with "Maybe because" and you can quote me on that.
-- Reviewer: mike owens (wichita falls,tx usa) - See all my reviews

Switchblade - Switchblade (Icarus Records / Trust No One Recordings)
"Scary" cover art, no song titles, and unintentionally hilarious lyrics printed on the cd case (ex: "Bring your needles and glasspipes for meditation in contempt / Stone yourself to heaven as another pitstop to Hell") made putting this one a dicey proposition, especially with all those unheard Cheap Trick bootlegs to listen to, but duty called. Not bad at all. I was expecting some pitiful nu-style-metal, but instead, Switchblade brings it heavy and droney with the mathematical, mostly instrumental spider-metal. Nice! Turns out they're from Sweden, which goes a long way toward explaining the lack of ironic b.s. posturing.
-- Rick Pencilman, Rock and Roll Dad

Underminded - Hail Unamerican! (Kung Fu Records)
Once again, I assumed when I shouldn't've, and made an ass out of u and me. I was expecting - I don't know, what I think Fall Out Boy and Taking Back Sunday and all that bullshit sounds like, even though I've never heard any of it. Instead I got whay Metallica should probably be doing these days. Which is what Metallic a used to do. Excellent, precision guided stop-start, boomboom, wheedley-wheedley feats of inhuman crunch and crush. The tunes are nice and short, and boy oh boy do these gents have the chops. My only complaint is that the singers throat-shredding howl sounds a little thin. Guys: promise me next album you'll put a little reverb on the vox. That'd be great.
-- S.B. Sweaty

Old-school file sharing!

The first three people to send email here with their name and address shall receive a free hour-long cd mix of songs selected at random the Reglar Wiglar Super Computer.

The tracklist might look something like this:
Slayer - Reborn
The Afrika Korps - (I Want You) Everyday
Ol’ Dirty Bastard - Cold Blooded
Naked Raygun - I Lie
Pussy Galore - Hang On
Lil’ Keke - Still Tippin’
Killdozer - Funk #49
Crooked Fingers - Sleep All Summer
Scientists - The Spin
The Jesus Lizard - Nub
Lamps - Hot Plate
The New Professionals - I Wish You the Best
Jack-O and the Tearjerkers - Ain’t Got No Money
A-Frames - Galena
Ooioo - Be Sure to Loop
The Woodrows - Chili Finger
Iron Knowledge - Show Stopper
Jodeci - Cry For You
Melvins - Pick It N Flick It
Smog - The Well
Diamond Head - Am I Evil?
Iron Maiden - The Trooper
Neu! - Im Gluck
Stains - Get Revenge
and so on for about an hour...

Come one, come all, man!

Mike Wing: crazy balls?

If anyone can verify certain claims stated on this web-page, we'd really appreciate it.

From the classifieds...

Internationally-distributed magazine seeks freelance writers. Perennially marginal publication, based in the midwest U.S.A., couldn't rub two nickels together, nevertheless has ambition to expand content, readership, advertising revenues, etc. Interviews with indie-rock bands (reality-based and otherwise), underground comics artists, "niche" fiction and "experimental" poetry are our stocks-in-trade, but we are desperate for new material. If you've got any better sense of what "the kids" are "into" these days, we beg you to share your information. Contributors are paid generously in the form of artistic freedom and satisfaction for accepted work, with bonus payment of punk cred upon publication. Interested parties should submit samples (pref. two long pieces and three short works), c.v. and contact info to the second stall from the back in the men's room at The Hidden Cove Lounge up on Lincoln. We're usually there on dollar draft night.

Waste more time on the internet!

Look:
Bill T. Miller has fresh pix of DMBQ (of which my favorite is this one)and a bunch of noise bands I've never heard of.
Dixon (no relation) has vintage snapshots of Scratch Acid, The Butthole Surfers,and The Dicks. Bonus: visual proof of a Dicks reunion that went down last month in Austin.
Murray Bowles saw Suicidal Tendencies, Fang,and Black Flag, at Berkeley Aquatic Park twenty two years ago, and today, you can see them there.
Tom Trocolli remembers D. Boon.

The Hold Steady - Separation Sunday

The Hold Steady - Separation Sunday
A year ago, I was so sure no one would top it, I proclaimed The Hold Steady Almost Killed Me to be the best rock album of 2004. In a deliberate attempt to confuse me, Comets on Fire released the most rock album of the year, but I realized the difference and remained confident in my proclamation. The problem was that most of my friends were already tired of me trying to convince them of the genius of Sammy Hagar and Larry Norman, so my endorsement was often just met with raised eyebrows. It didn't help that the most accurate descriptions I could come up with ("they sound like Keith Morris and The Silver Bullet Band parodying Lou Reed's 'New York', but with tons of clever in-jokes") made me sound like an idiot. By now, though, alot of people have heard the record, so I feel somewhat vindicated.
The Hold Steady's new one is called Separation Sunday, and it expands the sound of the first, while staying true to the bands unique vision. The bar-band schlock is way less Beaver Brown and way more E-Street, and the classic rock riffing isn't so much a pastiche - now they manage some genuine invention. Main guy Craig Finn's lyrical onslaught of pop-culture riffing remains, but he's lightened the density and strenghtened his storytelling abilities. On the first number, "Hornets! Hornets!", he winds references to Powell Peralta, Nabakov, and Kate Bush, an ...Almost Killed Me lyric, a St. Paul, Minnesota geography lesson, and an insistent boogie-riff that's half-Rush, half-ZZ Top around the story of a late night hookup that probably shouldn't be happening. While guys like Broooce Springsteen have characters that let it rip on the open road, The Hold Steady's songs are populated by losers in night club parking lots, waiting for a ride to the party where they can get some free drugs. Throughout the album, close encounters with 'killer parties', a crazy drug-runner named Charlemagne and numerous conniving "little hoodrats" (maybe they look like cardinals? I don't know, I never went to church) are peppered with the language of the lapsed Catholic having second thoughts. Some end up bad, some not so bad. There but for the grace of...
-- Mickey Maracas
(here's an mp3 of 'Stevie Nix' by the Hold Steady)

The Priests - Tall Tales

The Priests - Tall Tales (Get Hip)
Totally competent and by-the-numbers. If someone (an alien? The Pope?) asked you what rock music sounded like, you could play them this. This would do. No doubt about that. The Priests have every stock move down pat and show professional courtesy by executing them at each and every exact moment listeners are accostomed to hearing them. They always stay inside the lines of their Seeds Coloring Book. Um.... it's like they've got one of those old-fashioned dance-step diagrams, but it says "garage rock" on top of it. How many more ways should I come up with to say "this is really generic and uninteresting"? The only thing less original and uninspired than The Priests music, is the lame 'Unleashed in the East' send-up on the back cover of their cd. Okay, I'm done.
-- Larry "Burger" King

Om - Variations on a Theme

Om - Variations on a Theme (Holy Mountain)
Truth in advertising, man. The titular ‘theme’ is a “Snowblind” riff played on a drum kit and Rickenbacker bass with the fuzz and volume dialed up to “bulldoze”. The two dudes from Sleep's "classic" line-up who aren’t in High on Fire keep it simple with a perfect single-mindedness which, over the course of just three tracks and a whopping forty-five minutes, hardly changes color, and never gets boring. The vocals are chanted and incanted and the lyrics about…. I dunno, something pseudo-mystical, I’m sure. But who listens to the lyrics for the words? Not me. I'm here for the music bro. Totally sublime. Record of the year? Maybe, my dude, maybe.
-- Snort Johannson

DMBQ - The Essential Sounds From The Far East.

DMBQ - The Essential Sounds From The Far East. (Estrus)
The "Dynomite Masters Blues Quartet"'s a great and nutty heavy psychedelic demolition team from Japan. To my ears, they do a more tightly composed, though no more "in control" sounding, take on whatever it is that Comets on Fire are supposed to be doing. The berzerkest moments of early (but not Rod Evans-early (if you know what I mean)) Deep Purple could be a useful reference point for where these three gents and one lady lift off from. Whew, the sheer gonzo-ness of the band's attack - wild riffs, wandering fuzz bass, wailing he-man vox, and drums that may be operated by an unusually limber octopus - is just alot of fun to listen to. The musical action doesn't barrel forward so much as float above the ground erratically like a hot-air balloon that's lost its captain overboard. While a band this great and uncategorizable may seem a little out of place on the Estrus label, I'm not going to complain or hold it against anybody. More people should make records like this.
-- Country Joe McDonald's