Joey Germ’s One Word DVD Reviews: John Carter

(Walt Disney Studios)

This is how Dejah Thoris is supposed to look.
One Word Review: Sucks.

Let me explain: Edgar Rice Burroughs could certainly crank out the sci-fi books. Once he realized that pulp science fiction sold he became a machine. After reading the first three books in Burrough's Barsoom series many years ago, I quickly realized that these books have no value beyond very shallow entertainment. An Earthling, not restricted by the heavy gravity of his home planet, is able to leap and bound about slaughtering various Martian species as easily as a knife cuts through soft cheese. He also earns himself the love of the hottest Martian on that planet or any other. It's not pulp so much as it's gory fluff and it only entertains the easily entertainable: adolescent boys. John Carter the movie, however, forgot to even entertain, so concerned is it with its special effects and story rewrites that try to make sense of a plot that is too fantastic to be logical or even understood. And the acting sucks too. The Red Men of Mars were not British so let's just leave the lame accents out of it. Sometimes Disney just blows it, cause John Carter sucks.