Editor's note: This disgusting little piece of commentary was written by stand-up comic, Monsieur Champagne (published in Reglar Wiglar #10) back in 1998 when he was even more obscure and pitiful.
WEEDS THE DOPE DOG
By Matt "Ol' Brown Eye" Champagne, Comedian
It is fairly common knowledge that I don't wipe well. My number two's have always been a bit on the rich side, and no matter how much wiping, cleaning, dabbing or regrouting I attempt, there's just no way to completely rid my brown eye of the old brown, if you follow me. Irritation soon follows, of course, and it's usually around midday that I start to look like I'm attempting to do the twist or the shag or the worm: an almost convulsive walk with upward tugs coming from the hips in a desperate attempt to get back to the can to indulge in additional wiping.
(The rest is too foul to publish here, if you wish to continue reading please click here.)