(From the vaults, Reglar Wiglar #4, 1994)
Recently, we had our first official staff meeting and man did it suck. We kind of always assumed that everybody who worked for the "magazine" were professionals until we actually tried to act like it. Anyway, here are the minutes from that meeting as transcribed by Secretary, Joey T. Germ, on his lap top computer.
Location: Zeke's on Ashland
Chairman: P.C. Jones
Secretary: Joseph Titanium Germ
7:00PM Meeting scheduled to begin at this time. Present are P.C. Jones, myself (Joey Germ) and that's it. We have a couple of drinks.
7:30PM No one else has showed as of yet. Mr. Germ (me) wishes silently that he were somewhere else getting drunk and in better company. More drinks are ordered.
8:00PM Thought I spotted Muggsy McMurphy's Duster cruise by, but it may have been someone else. Mr. Jones has started a twenty minute monologue about the horrors he encountered in high school P.E. class. It may be time to make a break for the door--wait a minute--holy shit, he just ordered me a beer and paid for it. Will wonders never cease?
8:03PM Muggsy McMurphy just showed up, looks stoned, dude thinks of everything.
Meeting officially starts at 8:03PM.
Mr. McMurphy has motioned for the meeting to be postponed until someone who actually gives a shit about the meeting shows up. The motion has been seconded by Mr. Germ and the meeting will be postponed. Heavy drinking has been suggested as substitute.
Mr. Germ has motioned that Mr. Jones be required to buy the next three rounds. The option has been seconded by Mr. McMurphy. Mr. Jones will be required to buy the next three rounds. Shit, this motion has been vetoed by Mr. Jones.
Mr. Jones motions for Mr. Germ to buy the next five rounds. This is seconded by Mr. McMurphy and I am screwed. Not I'm not. I'm out of money.
9:00PM It turns out that Mr. Jones actually told everyone but me that the meeting was to start at 9:00PM and not 7:00PM (which he denies) and that the only reason Mr. McMurphy showed up at 8:03PM was so that he would have a good hour to get rocked before the meeting started. Don't know what Mr. Jones deal is.
7:05PM Mz. Wayne, along with T-Bone and Larry Leffert have arrived. Some diseased-looking creature who closely resembles a Biohazzard roadie, has just walked in. The Budget Movie Critic has just, ever-so-lightly-in-his-loafers, skipped into Zeke's. Some other people who look really bored came in too.
7:10PM People are staring blankly around the room and nobody has got shit to say except Mz. Wayne who is very vocal as usual, having plenty to say about not much at all. I'm drunk and actually start to act like it.
Jesus Christ! Look at this collection of freaks and burnouts. This place looks like a concentration camp for the butt-ugly. Why did I agree to come to this god awful bar?
8:00PM Not much business has been discussed. Just a bunch of bickering and griping mostly. Forgot to type most of it--all of it actually.
8:30PM Just used the can. Pissed on my pants a little, gotta watch that in front of these people. What the f*ck, they're probably all going back to Joliet after this anyway.
9:00PM Very close to puking now. Am vre y drnk . . . m ust passs out afor I barass miself agin.
Notes from Meeting
No Wiglar function shall ever take place in a bar or anywhere near where alcoholic beverage are can be consumed, smelled or even thought about.
Future staff meetings will be an opportunity to bounce ideas off one another, NOT beer
Some modicum of political correctness should be adhered to in speech and conduct so no one will walk out feeling deeply offended and resentful making threats of revenge and mumbling certain words like castration and modified circumcision. No names will be mentioned concerning this. Enough said, just drop it.