In the interest of keeping things interesting, we here at the Reglar Wiglar Record Review Dept. are always on the lookout for a new way to kill off a couple of reviews, and what better way to do that than to give them to a real life Brit punk rocker? So here he is, he's Dunc the Punk and he's pissed*
Star is Dead (Fiddler)
Punk is Dead, more like. It used to be about trying to change the way people think, all to a soundtrack of dirty sweaty sex. Now it's about teenage mummy's boys dying their hair blue and playing Blink 182 songs to spoilt rich kids who are trying to shock daddy while on spring break. Dickheads.
Notes & Photographs (Interscope)
It's a sick and fuckin' twisted world. Jangly little indie chancers like these get signed to Interscope, while Dunc's legendary band 'Shit The Bed' are still playing to a couple of old punks and a dog in the back room of the Frog & Pissflaps.
Beautiful Scars (Get Hip)
Dunc reckons the title of this record is quite apt, since it contains a cover of that flute Aguilera's 'Beautiful', which has scarred Dunc for life. These Spanish fucksticks have taken an already jizz-sodden song and somehow made it soggier. Minging.
THE KITE-EATING TREE
Method: Fail, Repeat... (Cowboy v. Sailor/ Suburban Home)
Q: How many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They just sit around in the dark crying about it.
LONG SINCE FORGOTTEN
Standing Room Only (RocketStar)
Dunc hates pop-up adds. They get in the way of the Johnny Vaughn. And now those shitcunts at Orbitz have one with a game called Dunk the Punk on it. What the fuck? Dunc never endorsed that, and will be suing the adams off of 'em just as soon as he's finished writing about shit bands with shit names and shit songs.
MR. T EXPERIENCE
Yesterday Rules (Lookout!)
Yesterday did rule, cos Dunc finally convinced his bird to take it up the wrong-un. Yesterday Dunc was also blissfully unaware that any band would even consider releasing anything as Andrew WK-sounding as "Sorry For Freaking Out On The Phone Last Night." A steaming pirate ship from start to finish.
ON THE MIGHT OF PRINCESS
This lot obviously want to be like And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead. They have a similarly long and ridiculous name, an equally awful album cover, with a just a smidge of the same rock fury. Sadly however, Dunc had more fun having his Jimi removed than listening to this record.
In with the Old (Volcom Entertainment)
If Dunc wanted cod reggae, he'd listen to Bob Marley while eating fish 'n' chips smothered in inspector. Dunc doesn't want to listen to surfers play reggae anymore than he wants to watch reggae artists surfing. Why is that such a hard concept to grasp, Pepper?
SCARS OF TOMORROW
Rope Tied to the Trigger (Victory)
Dunc would be happy to pull that rope. Shit Armani.
The Daylight Robbery (SmallMan)
Dunc can't get his head round screamo. Emo is whiny self-loathing, and nu-metal is vacuous macho posturing, so putting 'em together was bound to sound like a wet fart in the bathtub. And charging actual Arthur for this cobblers is daylight robbery. Dunc feels cheated and he got his copy gratis! Fair play to these particular Sri Lankas though, for realizing just how shit they really are and splitting up, saving us all from any more Frasier.
Everything Goes Numb (Victory)
If god had wanted punk rock to include trumpets, he wouldn't have made 'em so fuckin' hard to play, and he wouldn't have made 'em sound so pony either. Perhaps if this band had been called Street-Fight Manifesto, and had written songs about beating up Millwall fans, Dunc might have liked 'em. But they didn't.
The Reglar Wiglar Guide To Cockney
Adam (and The Ants) = Pants
Andrew WK = Gay
Arthur (Ashe) = Cash
(Brass) Flute = Prostitute
Fraiser (Crane) = Pain
(Georgio) Armani = Sarnie, Sandwich
Inspector (Morse) = Brown Sauce
Jimi (Hendrix) = Appendix
Johnny Vaughn = Porn
Pirate Ship = Pile of Shit
Pony (and Trap) = Crap
Sri Lanka = Wanker
*The opinions of Dunc the Punk do not reflect those of the Reglar Wiglar or, quite possibly, anyone anywhere.