In the interest of keeping things interesting, we here at the Reglar Wiglar are always on the lookout for a new way to kill off a couple of reviews, and what better way to do that than to give them to a real life Brit punk rocker? So here he is, he's Dunc the Punk and he's pissed*
BLUE SHADE WITNESS
Blue Shade Witness (Double Zero)
Uncompromising, powerful, and vulnerable Brit-rock. That's what they say. Gay, whiny and fetid shit-cock is what Dunc says. This lot are about as useful as tits on a frog.
Pride & Persecution (TKO)
Judging by the cover of this record, The Boils think that Nazi imagery is cool. They are wrong, and so is their music. The Boils fucking stink and should be lanced immediately.
Hardcore Hooligan (Burning Heart)
This really is the fucking business. The absolute mutt's nuts. Oi! punk about how English footie is the best in the world and how England have clearly won every World Cup ever staged. Hardcore Hooligan is the best album Dunc has ever heard.
As the Last Light Drains (Victory)
Freya are a miserable bunch of Ethans. Freya have a bass player called Bulldog. Dunc has to respect both these things. What Dunc doesn't respect is the tedious guff they chose to release here.
No Ed, Dunc does not want to take a ride in your rocket ship. And Dunc is willing to bet that no other right-thinking human being does either. Complete and utter Jackson Pollock. 'K off.
Product of Our Environment (TKO)
Dunc hates Hollywood too. Especially that Whoopi bint. Kevin Costner is a crime against humanity and don't get Dunc started on that dickhead Charlie Sheen. Smug talentless gits, all of 'em.
THE LYNDSAY DIARIES
The Tops of the Trees are on Fire (The Militia Group)
The Dunc The Punk Diaries: Today I was forced to listen to some pretentious, Winona-drinking wally drone on and on about the usual wrist-slitting, bed-wetting cobblers. Complete pants from start to finish.
THE REAL MCKENZIES
Oot & Aboot (Honest Don's)
You're 'aving a Steffi, right? Dunc has no idea why anyone would pretend to be a sweaty unless they had to. Either way, this is unrelenting pish and those responsible should be minced and cooked in a sheep's gut, like the haggis munching wannabes they are.
Busted Wings and Rusted Halos (Victory)
Dunc fancies a sordid posh session with the lemon on the cover of this record. She probably gives good blood. But everything else about this record and the tattooed pillocks that made it is shit on a stick.
WAITING FOR AUTUMN
Now I Know Forever (American Jealousy)
Dunc reckons they'll be waiting a lot longer than autumn if it's a good review they're after. Someone should ram the wrong end of a pineapple up their collective elephants, so they can know forever the pain that this shit-smeared emo caused Dunc by listening to it.
The Reglar Wiglar Guide To Cockney
Steffi (Graf) = Laugh
Sweaty (Sock) = Jock, Scot
Elephant (& Castle) = Arsehole
Ethan (Hunt) = Cunt
Winona (Ryder) = Cider
Cobblers (Awls) = Testicles
Jackson Pollock = Bollocks
Posh (n Becks) = Sex
Lemon (Curd) = Bird
Blood (Red) = Head
*The opinions of Dunc the Punk do not reflect those of the Reglar Wiglar or, quite possibly, anyone anywhere.