Haiku Record Reviews V

HAIKU REVIEWS
by Gin-su

Continuing in our effort to inject our readers with a shot of culture now and then, we here at the Reglar Wiglar are proud to introduce another installment of haiku record reviews. Classy, ain't it?

ELECTRELANE
Rock It to the Moon
(Mr. Lady)

atmospheric sounds
lush instrumental landscapes
musical head rush

GASOLINE
Take It to the People
10"/CD (Estrus)

sweaty suit and ties
"power-soul" Japanese-style
Yokkaichi Blues Bros.

MOVIOLA
Rumors of the Faithful
(Spirit of Orr)

laidback, lo-fi grooves
you remember indie rock?
Moviola do

ONE TIME ANGELS
Sound of a Restless City
(Adeline)

emo pop punk rock
who makes these once angels sing?
the Devil maybe?

OPERATION MAKEOUT
First Base
(Mint)

rock'n'roll makout's
Canadian kiss station
heading for home base

PETER PARKER
Semiautobiographical
(Recurving)

venom-filled bites
from radioactive spider
makes band of Parkers

V IS FOR VENDETTA
Beneath This Mask Another Mask
(Mr. Lady)

jagged sparse duet
getting over on the math
with the prog folk tip

Haiku Record Reviews IV

HAIKU REVIEWS
by Randy McQueen & P.C. Jones

Continuing in our effort to inject our readers with a shot of culture now and then, we here at the Reglar Wiglar are proud to introduce another installment of the haiku record review. Classy, ain't it?

COQUETTISH
Total Pops Madness (?)

Melodic hardcore
Energy jam packed with speed
Ska Japanese style

KASPAR HAUSER
Bird's Eye/Glazed 7" (Spacesuit)

Electric folky rock
Acoustic indie folk rock
With twenty-four strings

IVAN KLIPSTEIN
Lifestyle (Crustacean)
Bubblegum sweet pop
Pink clouds and friendly hand-clap
Psychedelia

THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING
Drinking Feeling (Swey)

Playful sad man-boy
Strummy childish delight in
Milk cookies speed car

ORGANIC
7" EP (Microcosm)

Punkers from Portland
Emigrants from Las Vegas
San Francisco sound

WESLEY WILLIS FIASCO
Live EP (C.R.A.S.)

Metal poesy rock
Whipping wild horses asses
Shout simple friction

UNCLE EDDIE
Uncleddium (Crustacean)

Not from Ohio
Funky Midwestern white boys
Firehose rides again

Haiku Record Reviews III

HAIKU REVIEWS
by Gin-su

Continuing in our effort to inject our readers with a shot of culture now and then, we here at the Reglar Wiglar are proud to introduce another installment of haiku record reviews. Classy, ain't it?

CATCH TWENTY-TWO
Dinosaur Sounds
(Victory)

dinos on cover
and ska fueled rock pop and roll
you can't go wrong

THE DESTROYED
Outta Control
(no label)

answering the call
seventies punk pals unite
to destroy again

THE DICK PANTHERS
Differently Abled (Hollow Bunny)

an absurd collage
music as commentary
or as comedy?

EE
Ramadan
(Asian Man)

everyone enjoys
enticingly embracing
ephemeral ease

LIBIDO GRANDE
Wrecked (Failed Experiment)

rock music can mask
biological desires
wrecks you in the end

MARTYR A.D.
On Earth As It Is In Hell
(Victory)

full on metal charge
as tormenting on CD
as it is in hell

JEFF OTT
Will Work for Diapers
(Sub City)

lefty folk music
sales will support a good cause
will sell for diapers

Haiku Record Reviews II

HAIKU REVIEWS
by Gin-su

Continuing in our effort to inject our readers with a shot of culture now and then, we here at the Reglar Wiglar are proud to introduce another installment of haiku record reviews. Classy, ain't it?

BEDFORD
Spaceships, Sex, and Jealousy (Microcosm/Boss Tunage)

a band now defunct
collects all their singles here
s peed up the pop, punk!

MADDER MORTEM
Deadlands
(The End)

Listen to the ways
madder mortem explore death
you'll be madder too

THE MISTREATERS
Playa Hated to the Fullest
(Estrus)

amped up garage rock
slows down for the white boy blues
ain't mistreated me

THE ORANGES BAND
On TV
(Lookout!)

jangly guitar pop
with sad boy crooner crooning
a good depression

PANTHERS
Let's Get Serious
(Dim Mak)

messy brooklyn rock
most instruments lost in mix
as panther slinks by

SHAI HULUD
That Within Blood Ill Tempered
(Revelation)

very angry men
screaming bloody fucking mess
metallic hardcore

THIS DAY FORWARD
In Response
(Equal Vision)

heavy rock screaming
melodic rock interplay
a dichotomy

Haiku Record Reviews

HAIKU REVIEWS
by Gin-su

Continuing in our effort to inject our readers with a shot of culture now and then, we here at the Reglar Wiglar are proud to introduce another installment of Haiku Record Reviews. Classy, ain't it?


ENGINE DOWN
Engine Down (Lookout!)

Emotional rock
fighting angst and ennui
living is hard, no?

GREENLAWN ABBEY
Greenlawn Abbey (Diaphragm)

Sixties--style rocking
Toe--tapping and head--bobbing
strongly encouraged

HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS
The Silence in Black and White (Victory)

current hot genre
rough and smooth vocal hybrid
doesn't work for me

MY REVENGE
Less Plot, More Blood (Thorp)

The plot does thicken
punk rock drama soon unfolds
my revenge served cold

PIANO DRAG
Send Us a Signal (One Cell/Ethospine)

jagged sharp edges
recognizable yet new
drag this piano

STRUNG OUT
Exile in Oblivion (Fat Wreck Chords)

melodic punk rock
ala SoCal to be sure
quintet and Vans vets

DAMAGE CONTROL
What it Takes (Livewire)

damage has been done
with crunchy, distorted chords
control is not lost

Dunc the Punk III

In the interest of keeping things interesting, we here at the Reglar Wiglar Record Review Dept. are always on the lookout for a new way to kill off a couple of reviews, and what better way to do that than to give them to a real life Brit punk rocker? So here he is, he's Dunc the Punk and he's pissed*

THE HIGHER
Star is Dead (Fiddler)
www.fiddlerrecords.com
Punk is Dead, more like. It used to be about trying to change the way people think, all to a soundtrack of dirty sweaty sex. Now it's about teenage mummy's boys dying their hair blue and playing Blink 182 songs to spoilt rich kids who are trying to shock daddy while on spring break. Dickheads.

JAMISON PARKER
Notes & Photographs (Interscope)
www.interscope.com
It's a sick and fuckin' twisted world. Jangly little indie chancers like these get signed to Interscope, while Dunc's legendary band 'Shit The Bed' are still playing to a couple of old punks and a dog in the back room of the Frog & Pissflaps.

JET LAG
Beautiful Scars (Get Hip)
www.gethip.com
Dunc reckons the title of this record is quite apt, since it contains a cover of that flute Aguilera's 'Beautiful', which has scarred Dunc for life. These Spanish fucksticks have taken an already jizz-sodden song and somehow made it soggier. Minging.

THE KITE-EATING TREE
Method: Fail, Repeat... (Cowboy v. Sailor/ Suburban Home)
www.suburbanhomerecords.com
Q: How many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They just sit around in the dark crying about it.

LONG SINCE FORGOTTEN
Standing Room Only (RocketStar)
www.rocketstar.com
Dunc hates pop-up adds. They get in the way of the Johnny Vaughn. And now those shitcunts at Orbitz have one with a game called Dunk the Punk on it. What the fuck? Dunc never endorsed that, and will be suing the adams off of 'em just as soon as he's finished writing about shit bands with shit names and shit songs.

MR. T EXPERIENCE
Yesterday Rules (Lookout!)
www.lookoutrecords.com
Yesterday did rule, cos Dunc finally convinced his bird to take it up the wrong-un. Yesterday Dunc was also blissfully unaware that any band would even consider releasing anything as Andrew WK-sounding as "Sorry For Freaking Out On The Phone Last Night." A steaming pirate ship from start to finish.

ON THE MIGHT OF PRINCESS
Sirens (Revelation)
www.revelationrecords.com
This lot obviously want to be like And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead. They have a similarly long and ridiculous name, an equally awful album cover, with a just a smidge of the same rock fury. Sadly however, Dunc had more fun having his Jimi removed than listening to this record.

PEPPER
In with the Old (Volcom Entertainment)
www.volcoment.com
If Dunc wanted cod reggae, he'd listen to Bob Marley while eating fish 'n' chips smothered in inspector. Dunc doesn't want to listen to surfers play reggae anymore than he wants to watch reggae artists surfing. Why is that such a hard concept to grasp, Pepper?

SCARS OF TOMORROW
Rope Tied to the Trigger (Victory)
www.victoryrecords.com
Dunc would be happy to pull that rope. Shit Armani.

SELFMADEMAN
The Daylight Robbery (SmallMan)
www.smallmanrecords.com
Dunc can't get his head round screamo. Emo is whiny self-loathing, and nu-metal is vacuous macho posturing, so putting 'em together was bound to sound like a wet fart in the bathtub. And charging actual Arthur for this cobblers is daylight robbery. Dunc feels cheated and he got his copy gratis! Fair play to these particular Sri Lankas though, for realizing just how shit they really are and splitting up, saving us all from any more Frasier.

STREETLIGHT MANIFESTO
Everything Goes Numb (Victory)
www.victoryrecords.com
If god had wanted punk rock to include trumpets, he wouldn't have made 'em so fuckin' hard to play, and he wouldn't have made 'em sound so pony either. Perhaps if this band had been called Street-Fight Manifesto, and had written songs about beating up Millwall fans, Dunc might have liked 'em. But they didn't.

The Reglar Wiglar Guide To Cockney

Adam (and The Ants) = Pants
Andrew WK = Gay
Arthur (Ashe) = Cash
(Brass) Flute = Prostitute
Fraiser (Crane) = Pain
(Georgio) Armani = Sarnie, Sandwich
Inspector (Morse) = Brown Sauce
Jimi (Hendrix) = Appendix
Johnny Vaughn = Porn
Pirate Ship = Pile of Shit
Pony (and Trap) = Crap
Sri Lanka = Wanker

*The opinions of Dunc the Punk do not reflect those of the Reglar Wiglar or, quite possibly, anyone anywhere.

Dunc the Punk II

In the interest of keeping things interesting, we here at the Reglar Wiglar Record Review Dept. are always on the lookout for a new way to kill off a couple of reviews, and what better way to do that than to give them to a real life Brit punk rocker? So here he is, he's Dunc the Punk and he's pissed*

A Faith Called Chaos
Forgive Nothing (Volcom)
The drummer in Dunc's band 'Shit The Bed' is nicknamed Chaos because he's a no-talent shit sack who can't keep time. Dunc only keeps him around because he owns a working slice. Amazingly, these metal no-marks are so bad they make him look like a fucking rock god. Unforgivably wank.

A Perfect Murder
Unbroken (Victory)
Dunc has always thought that hypnotizing someone into topping themselves would be a perfect murder. Although for it to be truly perfect, it'd be best not to reveal the plan in a world-renowned music publication. No problem mentioning it here then.

Cast Aside
The Struggle (Death Wish Inc.)
Dunc's pot and pan Ray always used to say 'if you can't say something nasty, don't say anything at all'. So Dunc will cast this record aside without further comment and head down to his local battle.

Kill Verona
Trauma (Livewire Records)
Dunc would rather catch knobrot off a soap-dodging slapper than sit through another emo album ever again. So, the fact that Dunc had to listen to this record after getting the bad news from the doc was a particularly cruel slice of Donald Duck. Traumatic indeed.

Motion Picture Demise
Rebuild/Reform (Orange Peel)
Dunc's favourite movie death is in 'Wanted: Dead or Alive', where Rutger Hauer shoves a grenade in Gene Simmons' North n South, and pulls the pin. This troop of sod apes are so bad, they deserve at least 5 grenades each, and maybe some dynamite up the ringpiece for good measure.

North Side Kings
Organizing Our Neighborhood (Thorp)
This lot obviously think they are hard as monkeys. Well, if they think that they have a chance of organizing Dunc's neighbourhood, they'll have to take on the Inter City Firm, and that ain't gonna be pretty. Better watch your Fleetwoods North Side Queens.

Paulson
Variations (Initial)
The cover of this record has a naked bint wrapped in cling film on it. Which reminds Dunc of a website he stumbled across while trying to download the latest Abi Titmuss home movie. In it, some bacardi, who is clearly Patrick Swayze, writes stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped in cling-film (www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/karl.htm). Fuck knows why, but it's infinitely more interesting that listening to
these indie cock socks.

Razorlight
Up All Night (Universal)
Up All Night? Sounds like a Viagra ad campaign slogan or something. You'd need it too, if you wanted to come anywhere close to getting a lob on for these limp-dick Jam rip-off merchants. Razorlight? Razor shite, more like.

Straylight
Straylight Run(Victory)
This record is so fucking bland you'd expect to hear it on one of those poxy shows on the KY Jelly where nancy boys over-intellectualize every fucking aspect of their lives in the hopes they might get to cop a feel of a set of carpets. With song titles like 'Existentialism on Prom Night' you won't need Dunc to tell you what tremendous cunts they are, but he will anyway: Cunts!

This Providence
Our World's Divorce (Rocketstar Recordings)
Don't get Dunc started on his divorce. The scabby old tart runs off with her boss and then expects to get half of Dunc's crosby. Just Dunc's luck that he ends up with a female garden gate, who buys into the argument that pressuring your missus into wife-swapping somehow constitutes emotional distress.

Reglar Wiglar Guide To Chitty Chitty
Chitty Chitty (Bang Bang) = Cockney Rhyming Slang
Slice (Pan) = Van
Pot and Pan = Old Man, Father
Battle (Cruiser) = Boozer, Pub
Donald Duck = Luck
North n South = Mouth
Monkey's (Tails) = Nails
Fleetwood (Mac) = Back
Bacardi Breezer = Geezer
Patrick Swayze = Crazy
KY Jelly = Telly, TV
Carpets (and Rugs) = Jugs, Tits
Crosby (Stills & Nash) = Cash
Garden Gate = Magistrate, Judge

*The opinions of Dunc the Punk do not reflect those of the Reglar Wiglar or, quite possibly, anyone, anywhere.

O'Reilly Blows a Gasket, Blames it on Irish Heritage

Job Opportunity!

Stupid Posse

3:10 to Yuma

After your prisoner Ben Wade kills the first guy in your posse, consider handcuffing him BEHIND his back, especially since it didn't occur to you to search him for weapons. This should help prevent subsequent killings of members of your posse and should cut down his escapes by 50%. Oh and if he's getting in your heads by running his mouth, consider gagging him, like with maybe one of those bandanas cowboys usually have handy. That should keep him quiet.

Dunc the Punk

In the interest of keeping things interesting, we here at the Reglar Wiglar are always on the lookout for a new way to kill off a couple of reviews, and what better way to do that than to give them to a real life Brit punk rocker? So here he is, he's Dunc the Punk and he's pissed*

BLUE SHADE WITNESS
Blue Shade Witness (Double Zero)
Uncompromising, powerful, and vulnerable Brit-rock. That's what they say. Gay, whiny and fetid shit-cock is what Dunc says. This lot are about as useful as tits on a frog.

THE BOILS
Pride & Persecution (TKO)
Judging by the cover of this record, The Boils think that Nazi imagery is cool. They are wrong, and so is their music. The Boils fucking stink and should be lanced immediately.

THE BUSINESS
Hardcore Hooligan (Burning Heart)
This really is the fucking business. The absolute mutt's nuts. Oi! punk about how English footie is the best in the world and how England have clearly won every World Cup ever staged. Hardcore Hooligan is the best album Dunc has ever heard.

FREYA
As the Last Light Drains (Victory)
Freya are a miserable bunch of Ethans. Freya have a bass player called Bulldog. Dunc has to respect both these things. What Dunc doesn't respect is the tedious guff they chose to release here.

ED JAMES
Poprocket (JAM)
No Ed, Dunc does not want to take a ride in your rocket ship. And Dunc is willing to bet that no other right-thinking human being does either. Complete and utter Jackson Pollock. 'K off.

HOLLYWOOD HATE!
Product of Our Environment (TKO)
Dunc hates Hollywood too. Especially that Whoopi bint. Kevin Costner is a crime against humanity and don't get Dunc started on that dickhead Charlie Sheen. Smug talentless gits, all of 'em.

THE LYNDSAY DIARIES
The Tops of the Trees are on Fire (The Militia Group)
The Dunc The Punk Diaries: Today I was forced to listen to some pretentious, Winona-drinking wally drone on and on about the usual wrist-slitting, bed-wetting cobblers. Complete pants from start to finish.

THE REAL MCKENZIES
Oot & Aboot (Honest Don's)
You're 'aving a Steffi, right? Dunc has no idea why anyone would pretend to be a sweaty unless they had to. Either way, this is unrelenting pish and those responsible should be minced and cooked in a sheep's gut, like the haggis munching wannabes they are.

SOMEHOW HOLLOW
Busted Wings and Rusted Halos (Victory)
Dunc fancies a sordid posh session with the lemon on the cover of this record. She probably gives good blood. But everything else about this record and the tattooed pillocks that made it is shit on a stick.

WAITING FOR AUTUMN
Now I Know Forever (American Jealousy)
Dunc reckons they'll be waiting a lot longer than autumn if it's a good review they're after. Someone should ram the wrong end of a pineapple up their collective elephants, so they can know forever the pain that this shit-smeared emo caused Dunc by listening to it.

The Reglar Wiglar Guide To Cockney

Steffi (Graf) = Laugh
Sweaty (Sock) = Jock, Scot
Elephant (& Castle) = Arsehole
Ethan (Hunt) = Cunt
Winona (Ryder) = Cider
Cobblers (Awls) = Testicles
Jackson Pollock = Bollocks
Posh (n Becks) = Sex
Lemon (Curd) = Bird
Blood (Red) = Head

*The opinions of Dunc the Punk do not reflect those of the Reglar Wiglar or, quite possibly, anyone anywhere.