Dear Rocker

Every once in awhile we like to introduce a new feature to delight and amuse our readership. This time it's in the form of an advice column for all you would be rockers out there, whoever you are. You are now free to ask the Rocker, cuz the Rocker is in!


Promo No-Nos


Dear Rocker,

My band has been practicing for over six months, and we feel now it is time to have are promotional photo taken. We play hard rock with a classic rock feel and a modern edge. Sometimes we like to get a little funkey, but we try not to overdo it. We know who are audience are, and we know when to say 'when'! Our biggest influences are Godsmack, Five Pointe O, Fun Loving Criminals, Infectious Grooves, Aerosmith, and of course, The Red Hot Chili Peppers. We need to have this picture so we can play concerts in Tulsa and OKC, and get are music out to the people, because we play are music for the fans.

My big question is should we pose in the photo with are guitars? Should we let are drummer hold his drum sticks in the picture (he really wants to, but are singer says no he shouldn't)? Should we smile in the photo? What are the importent things to consider when a young band who is hungry to rock is having it's picture taken? Please help us with you're wisdom!

Tyler, Psychic Mind Plane
Cattoosa, OK

Tyler,

First let me say, stay in school. Jesus, your spelling and grammatical skills are atrocious. Ok, I'll address the drummer question first but let me preface my answer by saying that drummers should be dealt with with a firm hand. As for the photo, your drummer does not need to be holding drum sticks for people to recognize him as the drummer. This is usually quite obvious. I don't know if it's the extra chromosome thing or the general look of confused concentration usually present on a drummer's ugly mug, but the tell-tale signs are already there, the sticks should not be. Tell Ringo that under no circumstances will he be allowed to hold his sticks during the photo shoot. After all, you wouldn't pose for a picture with just a guitar pick would you? Of course not. You'd be proudly holding your instrument. Tell him that he can pose with his drum kit if he wishes, but only if he can hoist it over his head for the duration of the shoot.

Having said that, let me settle the holding-of-guitars-in-the-photo-shoot question. Don't do it. Please. Unless you are an indie rock band being ironic (and there is no ambiguity in your intended ironic statement), or if you are a cover band, DO NOT pose with you guitars. I don't know how it plays in Catoosa 'cause I never heard of that town and I think you made it up, but here in the big city at least, that shit don't fly. Not with original band anyway. If you want to be taken seriously, just assume that people will understand that, even though the instruments aren't pictured, they are somewhere nearby and can be gathered together quickly in the event someone should book you guys into a club. Same goes for smiling. Don't do it. This is not the family photo at Sears. This is "hard rock with a classic rock feel and a modern edge." This is serious business. Again, unless you are a cover band or your ironic intentions are very clear, DO NOT turn that frown upside down. As far as the shoot itself, I would recommend a dirty, garbage strewn, graffiti covered alley as a back drop. If there are no alleys like this in Catoosa, a corn field should suffice.

You're welcome.

The Rocker.