Dear Rocker

Every once in awhile we like to introduce a new feature to delight and amuse our readership. This time it's in the form of an advice column for all you would be rockers out there, whoever you are. You are now free to ask the Rocker, cuz the Rocker is in!


Promo No-Nos


Dear Rocker,

My band has been practicing for over six months, and we feel now it is time to have are promotional photo taken. We play hard rock with a classic rock feel and a modern edge. Sometimes we like to get a little funkey, but we try not to overdo it. We know who are audience are, and we know when to say 'when'! Our biggest influences are Godsmack, Five Pointe O, Fun Loving Criminals, Infectious Grooves, Aerosmith, and of course, The Red Hot Chili Peppers. We need to have this picture so we can play concerts in Tulsa and OKC, and get are music out to the people, because we play are music for the fans.

My big question is should we pose in the photo with are guitars? Should we let are drummer hold his drum sticks in the picture (he really wants to, but are singer says no he shouldn't)? Should we smile in the photo? What are the importent things to consider when a young band who is hungry to rock is having it's picture taken? Please help us with you're wisdom!

Tyler, Psychic Mind Plane
Cattoosa, OK

Tyler,

First let me say, stay in school. Jesus, your spelling and grammatical skills are atrocious. Ok, I'll address the drummer question first but let me preface my answer by saying that drummers should be dealt with with a firm hand. As for the photo, your drummer does not need to be holding drum sticks for people to recognize him as the drummer. This is usually quite obvious. I don't know if it's the extra chromosome thing or the general look of confused concentration usually present on a drummer's ugly mug, but the tell-tale signs are already there, the sticks should not be. Tell Ringo that under no circumstances will he be allowed to hold his sticks during the photo shoot. After all, you wouldn't pose for a picture with just a guitar pick would you? Of course not. You'd be proudly holding your instrument. Tell him that he can pose with his drum kit if he wishes, but only if he can hoist it over his head for the duration of the shoot.

Having said that, let me settle the holding-of-guitars-in-the-photo-shoot question. Don't do it. Please. Unless you are an indie rock band being ironic (and there is no ambiguity in your intended ironic statement), or if you are a cover band, DO NOT pose with you guitars. I don't know how it plays in Catoosa 'cause I never heard of that town and I think you made it up, but here in the big city at least, that shit don't fly. Not with original band anyway. If you want to be taken seriously, just assume that people will understand that, even though the instruments aren't pictured, they are somewhere nearby and can be gathered together quickly in the event someone should book you guys into a club. Same goes for smiling. Don't do it. This is not the family photo at Sears. This is "hard rock with a classic rock feel and a modern edge." This is serious business. Again, unless you are a cover band or your ironic intentions are very clear, DO NOT turn that frown upside down. As far as the shoot itself, I would recommend a dirty, garbage strewn, graffiti covered alley as a back drop. If there are no alleys like this in Catoosa, a corn field should suffice.

You're welcome.

The Rocker.

Buy a Break!

Let's face it, it's tough to play the part of the starving artist these days. Take it from the good hearted kids at the Reglar Wiglar--we're starving and we're not even close to be artists, but we feel your pain. We have good imaginations and we can just imagine how hard it is.

If you're a musician struggling to get something going, trying to find a place to play with a group of people you can halfway stand, get gigs, sleep with enough of the "right people" to get some studio time and keep it all together long enough to make your record--and then your record sucks? That can be frustrating.

Maybe you're the owner of a record label and you're putting your heart and soul (and big wads of cash) into it. You work two jobs, you have two loans, you scrimp and save and clutch your purse strings and you still have a roster full of shitty bands. What are you going to do now that you've signed them?

Suppose you have a brother or a sister or a parent or just a really good friend who thinks they've got the music inside of them, but everything they touch seems to turn to shit: critics pan them, most zines can't stand them, but you want to do something--anything to ease their battered egos.

Well, now you can help.

The Reglar Wiglar is proud to introduce to you a special, limited time offer. We are now making it possible for you to buy a good review. That's right, for one easy installment of $19.95 (a month for a year) you can buy your band or loved one's band, a good review. Have you ever heard someone exclaim in frustration, "I can't buy a break!"? Well, now you can.

Choose from a variety of packages. Simply insert the name of the band, their record, and any key members you want mentioned, and mail in the form with your cash payment. We will try to include the review in the very next issue of the Reglar Wiglar.

Get your band gigs, radio airplay, better distribution, or just give them something to finally justify their enormous egos.

Choose from any one of these Review Packages:

THE GENTLE EGO MASSAGER®

_______________________ is simply too talented a drummer/singer/guitarist/bassist/ keyboardist/other to be in ____________________. Is it his/her fault that poor recording quality, poor arrangements and inadequate songwriting of his/her fellow band members makes them suck? No, I hardly think so. And I heard it's ____________'s birthday on _________ ____st/nd/rd, so everybody be sure to wish him/her a happy one. ** $100.00


EGO BOOSTER®

The raw talent of ____________________ and sheer brilliance of _____________________ in particular, fight against the below par engineering of this their _________st/nd/rd/th record. Inferior recording does little to fight the sonic ebb that emits from every pore of your stereo speaker as the rhythmic pumping sensations engulf the listener. Although this reviewer is not typically prone to heaping praise upon an/a up-and-coming/veteran band, I have to admit that this band, ________________________is very, very good. *** $250.00


EGO ROCKET®

___________________ play intoxicating, pulsating, ethereal music creating an atmosphere of implicit aural perfection. Blending bittersweet melody with unforgiving chunks of isometric guitar, a cacophonous epiphany ensues. ____________ rocks! **** $500.00


IMPORTANT REMINDER: Remember cheating on test in high school? We all did it, but remember to cheat smart. You don't want to look too good and you don't want the praise we heap on you or your records to be too flattering or else success might come too quickly and we all know what kind of demons can pop up when that happens; think O.D.s, shotgun blasts to the head and worse yet, feelings of low self-worth, undeserved attention and lots and lots of cash.

DISCLAIMER: The Reglar Wiglar is not responsible for anything in connection with this offer. We reserve the right NOT to be sued by anyone for anything at any time, as the slightest hint of responsibility will be shrugged. Any knowledge of this offer will be vehemently denied both in and out of court. In fact, we didn't even write this disclaimer. What money? What are you talking about?

STUPAK

STUPAK
BART STUPAK

Haiku Record Reviews VII (Last one!)

HAIKU REVIEWS

Continuing in our effort to inject our readers with a shot of culture now and then, we here at the Reglar Wiglar are proud to introduce the first installment of the haiku record review. Classy, ain't it?

THE JUDAS FACTOR
Kiss Suicide
(Revelation)

EMOtive screamers
use big words for girl trouble
while thrashing metal

THE WEAKERTHANS
Left and Leaving
(Sub City)

poetic license
built to rock sad and lonesome
pretty, literate

POLARIS MINE
Lists Of Things
(Beatville)

serious and dark
blending of indie and punk styles
is polaris yours?

THE QUEERS
Beyone the Valley...
(Hopeless)

wanna-be Ramones
spewing same old lame tired crap
misanthropic punk

SPIVEYS
V
(DPG)

spastic Midwestern
bare-knuckled, ham-fisted chunks
gnarled and twisted

SAMARKIND/CLOUD
Pitchwheel/Wanker (semperlofi)

peripheral sounds
subliminal sabotage
split lo-fi head trip

MIRAH
You Think It's Like This But Really It's Like This
(K)

sweet and innocent
songs of lust and love
it's really like this

Haiku Record Reviews VI

HAIKU REVIEWS
by Gin-su

Continuing in our effort to inject our readers with a shot of culture now and then, we here at the Reglar Wiglar are proud to introduce another installment of haiku record reviews. Classy, ain't it?

DENNIS DRISCOLL
Voices in the Fog (K)

from out of the fog
what is this plucking music?
folk music you fool!

CALVIN JOHNSON
What Was Me (K)

basement baritone
modern day spirituals
was it really you?

KAIA
Oregon (Mr. Lady)

melancholy songs
heartwrenching soulsearching voice
another mind state

THE REPUTATION
The Reputation (Initial)

bad haiku writing
can ruin reputations
but one always tries

MATT SKIBA & KEVIN SECONDS
Split (Asian Man)

songwriting talents
an acoustical duel
relief, it's a draw


TENDER TRAP
Film Molecules (K)

poppy funky beat
caught cold in a tender trap
rock disco treat

THANK GOD!!!

IT'S FINALLY OVER!!!!