Nerd Pipe Kills Alt. Rock Dead!
Interviewed by Joey Germ
You read it here first, folks: Alternative Rock Music or Adult Contemporary or whatever the hell it was called, is dead. On August 26 at 12:01, 1997 Alternative Rock Music died due to complications from mass hemorrhaging, leaving tearful and confused souls in its wake. We were able to catch up with the band responsible for the demise of the genre (it's not like they got anything going on right now) to ask them how they feel about what they have inadvertently done Ace Wiglar reporter, Joey T. Germ, asks the tough questions.
RW: So you guys killed Alternative Music, huh?
John: Yep. We were collectively the straw that broke the camel's back.
Adam: We were the last drop in the bucket. The market was so over-saturated with really bad—not just mediocre, mind you–but bad, bad music and when our CD finally came out—we got signed in '93—the bucket just overflowed.
Anthony: It fucking burst!
Adam: It burst and we spilled out with countless others—you can't even call them One Hit Wonders 'cause they never even charted. The alt. rock band death toll is too high to even be counted . . . and it's growing.
John: The whole thing is a mess and it's going to be awhile before the industry people can pick up the pieces.
Scotty: It's funny, our label called us and they we're like, "John, we got bad news for you." And I was like, "This isn't John, it's Scotty." And so dude was like, "Scotty, we've got bad news for you, your record just killed the Alternative Market. It just wiped it off the fucking map." At first I was pumped like, "Right on, man, our record killed 'em." Then I was thinking, "Wait a minute, did dude just say that was bad news?" So I was like, "What's up with that?" and dude was like, "John, you literally busted the market. It's dead. Gone. No more. You're unemployed now and so am I.
RW: That sucks.
Scotty: Yeah, our label guy was fresh out of college, you know, first job with a major record label, first task was signing us and now, boom, he's done, we're done. It's all over.
John: It totally sucks. We tried to push our label into getting the record out two years ago. We don't want the death of Alternative Rock on our hands.
RW: Who would? So what are your plans now?
John: Well, the way we see it, we have several options. The ska route, the doors of which have been thrown wide open by No Doubt.
Adam: No Doubt are to ska what Nirvana was to grunge.
John: Yeah, we just don't want to be to ska what Nerd Pipe was to grunge.
Adam: Yeah, we're gonna have to be careful. Real, real careful this time.
Anthony: To do the ska thing though, we're gonna have to recruit seven or eight other guys or just one cute chick with awesome abs.
John: Yeah, doin' the ska thing, we would definitely have to get rid of Anthony all together.
John: Sorry bro, it's a fact
Adam: He's right, dude.
John: With a horn section, we'd have to get a bigger tour bus.
RW: How big is your tour bus now?
John: Well, we don't actually have a tour bus now, 'cause we never got a chance to tour in support of our record on account of the fact of the record killing the market and all.
John: Total bummer, man.
RW: You could go the techno route, maybe.
John: Hard dance!
RW: Excuse me?
Adam: He means we could go the "hard dance" route. We could never go techno.
RW: What's the difference?
Adam: There's no difference musically, we just don't want anybody to think we're fags.
RW: Clarify that for me.
Adam: Fags in the musical sense, not in the area of sexual orientation, you understand.
Scotty: Right, fags in the musical sense, like creating techno music which has no balls. In that sense.
John: Techno is a ball-less musical art form.
RW: But hard dance implies something with balls?
John: Exactly. Hard dance implies a very aggressive, balls-out type of music, regardless of the electronic or technological aspect of the music. Like Prodigy. Those guys rock balls.
Adam: It's a tough decision and we haven't really decided what avenue to take yet. We really don't have anyone to bankroll the project yet either.
John: Our record contract was only good for one full-length CD release and a video which we actually have to pay the record company back for, so we have to decide quick whether it's gonna be ska or hard dance.
Adam: Yeah, the wolves are at the door.
RW: What about a marriage of ska with the techno—excuse me—hard dance genres? Break some new ground. Explore some, as of yet, uncharted territory.
Adam: Well, the problem with exploring uncharted territory is you have no way of judging whether something is going to fail or not. It's a big, big risk.
John: A huge risk.
Adam: And it's not financially sound.
RW: It couldn't possibly sell any less records for you than what you've sold up to this point with the alternative/grunge thing.
Adam: Still though, it's really scary. We would prefer to stick with a formula that works, something time-tested and true. Metal is not entirely out of the question.
John: Metal is a definite possibility. I see bands like Skid Row, Bon Jovi, even Poison, totally poised for a comeback.
Scotty: Just like back in the glory days of our youth. 1988 all over again, man. Wow. When Def Leppard were king.
Adam: That's enough, Scotty, please.
RW: I can totally see you guys farming some serious hair and laying down some really generic, commercial metal.
John: Thanks man. We appreciate it, but we're just considering it at this point. We haven't made a decision yet.
RW: Well, whatever you guys decide to do, I'm sure it will be brilliant, yet misunderstood.
Scotty: Thanks, but we've already gone that route and it didn't really pan out for us.
John: Yeah, it got panned.