1999, ladies and gentlemen. Not just the end of the millennium, 1999 also marks the six year anniversary of the Reglar Wiglar publishing dynasty. Yes, it's true, the Reglar Wiglar, the magazine you are holding grubby little hands right now (Eeew, they really are grubby!) is six years old this year. I'd appreciate it if you would celebrate quietly to yourselves and keep the congratulations and the praise to a whisper again this year. It's worked so well in the past and I would hate to break such a long tradition with a bunch of unnecessary, though heartfelt, hurrahs and "for he's -a jolly good this or that". But you'll have to excuse me if I get just a teensy bit nostalgic. You know, I remember way back before Reglar Wiglar was a household name, back in 1998. If I knew then what I know now, well I probably wouldn't have fared much better, sad to say.
It's not that we here at Wiglar HQ aren't proud of our accomplishments, on the contrary, we're besides ourselves with glee that we've been able to forage a living in this city for that amount of time. It's no big secret that Chicago has a wealth of crap committed to newsprint and that most of it is free. We're honored that we've had the opportunity to lie along side the best of them.
Good advice is rarely taken for what it is, however, and it's seldom free, but since it's you people I'm gonna be generous and share with you all a couple of things I've learned from this town. It has been said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions and this is certainly true (as a figure of speech, of course, 'cause the last time I was on the Dan Ryan it looked like asphalt), but underneath that pavement is a solid foundation of good ideas that have never come to fruition, if only because of the apathy and the--the--the frailty of the human host, or maybe those ideas are good intentions and what the fuck am I talking about? This is why these Idiotorials are limited to one page.
On a lighter note, I would like to personally nominate Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan for Perpetual Prom King and Queen of the Universe. They are truly adorable! They should make some law in Hollywood that says that those two have to star in every movie together forever and ever and ever.
Anyway, I gotta run, me and a couple of the Wiglar Eggheads are gonna troubleshoot this Y2K thingy, which I am just now learning about--what, they can't run a news story on this stuff every once in awhile to keep the public informed? You know, I am really starting to get concerned about the total lack of information and instant communication in modern society. If only someone would invent a portable phone that we could carry with us wherever we go. Oh well, I'm sure we'll be able to debug the office Performa 200 in time. I just hope the government can do the same with theirs. The thought of some yuppie not being able to pull a fifty out of his/her ATM on New Year's Day just scares the beejesus out of me. Oh the humanity! I'm not too worried though. I got my 9mm and I'm not afraid to use it. To be honest though, I'm still waitin' for Skylab to fall on my head OK people? Please.
Well back to my hole for another six, six, six years of pain and suffering. I think I'll fire someone today, or at the very least set something on fire. And in the meantime, this here is issue #12 of the Reglar Wiglar, I hope you get a good swift kick out of it.