This was the debut of my alter ego, Bastige Von Curr, in a column lovingly titled "I Hate Your Band, I Hate Your Zine." From RW#10, 1998:
DOWN WITH PEOPLE
By Bastige Von Curr
Hi. Bastige Von Curr here. I'm kind of a jaded and bitter zine hack and I've been told I should do a column for the Reglar Wiglar so I could share some of my pessimistic views and cynical perceptions of life with the rest of the world. I think that idea is absolutely brilliant as did the editor of this zine (not in those words-Ed). So for the first installment of "I Hate Your Band, I Hate Your Zine", I have chosen to address the People Problem. You know, people, and how there's too many of them.
It's no fricking secret that I hate people--can't stand 'em. So when I watch the news and read in the newspapers about all these married couples out there who are goin' crazy with the fertility drugs and the artificial inseminations and the freezin' the egg cells and whatnot, all in an effort to bring yet more people into the world, I cringe. And if this misguided effort to increase the population of this already overpopulated planet ain't enough, there's the biggest slap in my people-hatin' pucker; human cloning! How egocentric are we to think that we need exact replicas of ourselves runnin' around causing problems? We suck I say, and the world is damn lucky that there was only one of us made, for chrissake. One Einstein per century helping invent the A-Bomb is one too many, although talk about effective population control, eh? Hey, I know that's heavy, so frickin' sue me. Like I got money.
I know I'm a bitter old fuck (and I'm not even that old) but some people see the goodness in humankind and the benefits of cloning and I say, please, no more people on this miserable planet. You can't have your own kid in a natural way? That sucks, but let's draw the line at the freaky, sci-fi-come-true, evilness of human cloning. It's not the next logical progression in the evolution of the human species you frickin' half-wit. We've evolved way too much already. Back to the caves for us before it's too late. Let's clone fire and roast a wild pig.
And what if you have a kid that is your exact replica? Not the fruit of your loins or the fruit of your womb but, fuck it, it's you! Same nasty habits, same tendencies to be lazy and shiftless and you've got to kick your own ass to get it in gear? Unless of course they figure out a way to get rid of your bad genes, which they probably will. Try living with that, huh? It's you only without your faults. That's worse than you with your faults because it's the you, you could never be. It's the you your parents and friends wished you would have been. They won't have any use for the original you, 'cause lets face it, you suck, but the new and improved, genetically tinkered with you is like a gale force of fresh air for everybody who has ever met you.
My head hurts now.
How would you introduce your kid to someone anyway?
"Hey, yeah, this is me, my kid."
Then the other guy thinks to himself, "Wow, two assholes instead of one. Will the miracles of modern science never cease to amaze?"
But back to my point about how I hate the human race, myself included. Let me tell you something, people, you ain't all that special to warrant the making of extra copies of your stupid ass to litter civilization with. There are too many people like you already and when I say people like you, I mean people in general. To reiterate my point in case you missed it, there are too many people and I hate them.
It's not necessarily our fault that we think we're so goddman special. No. They taught us very early on in our childhoods that we are all of us individuals. We are all of us unique. There are no two people like us made in the whole wide world, throughout all time and in the whole never-ending, ever-loving universe ever, ever, and ever, Amen. To which I must add: bullshit! I don't believe that's true anymore than I believe that no two snowflakes that ever fell to Earth in the last six billion years looked the same. Of course a couple of them looked exactly the same. Don't be silly, and get those probabilities out of my face. Don't give me math. You can bet your worthless ass that somewhere in the past couple thousand years of human history there was another pathetic asshole like yourself walking around the planet making other people miserable. Your friends were probably clubbin' you on the head in 2,000 B.C., buddy.
There's millions of you people out there, they're called People and most of you have zines where you can spout off about the same sort of nonsensical drivel that I'm spouting off about now. Ironic, ain't it?
So let's face reality: there are too many people on this planet as of this writing. Sure, we got wars and disease and a shit load of natural disasters and El Nino to stem the tide of the human virus that plagues the planet. So let's get off this incredible ego trip of cloning ourselves. For the love of humanity, no more people! At least not until we get something going on the moon. If we can get a little colony action goin' on up there on the moon or on Mars, then go ahead, clone yourselves and send your other self to private school at Moon Rock University if that's important to you. Let's people other planets with our pathetic human pollution!
So while hospitals here in the US continue to set records for sets of twins born in a day and the Iowa Sextuplets or the Indiana Octuplets or the Pennsylvania Pack of Ten, or whoever, continue to make the news, I will sit here in my room and curse them all and pray for that meteor that will come someday and take us all away and I ain't talkin about Hale Bob and Nike's. I'm talking about a ten million ton rock travelin' at the speed of sound. Then this vain notion of cloning will all have been in vain and I can finally find some peace, I don't know where, but somewhere they don't got people. Until next time...