BUY A BREAK!
Let's face it, it's tough to play the part of the starving artist these days. Take it from the good hearted kids at the Reglar Wiglar—we're starving and we're not even close to be artists, but we feel your pain. We have good imaginations and we can just imagine how hard it is.
If you're a musician struggling to get something going, trying to find a place to play with a group of people you can halfway stand, get gigs, sleep with enough of the "right people" to get some studio time and keep it all together long enough to make your record—and then your record sucks? That can be frustrating.
Maybe you're the owner of a record label and you're putting your heart and soul (and big wads of cash) into it. You work two jobs, you have two loans, you scrimp and save and clutch your purse strings and you still have a roster full of shitty bands. What are you going to do now that you've signed them?
Suppose you have a brother or a sister or a parent or just a really good friend who thinks they've got the music inside of them, but everything they touch seems to turn to shit: critics pan them, most zines can't stand them, but you want to do something—anything to ease their battered egos.
Well, now you can help.
The Reglar Wiglar is proud to introduce to you, a special, limited time offer. We are now making it possible for you to buy a good review. That's right, for one easy installment of $19.95 (a month for a year) you can buy your band or loved one's band, a good review. You ever heard someone exclaim in frustration, "I can't buy a break!"? Well, now you can.
Choose from a variety of packages. Simply insert the name of the band, their record, and any key members you want mentioned, and mail in the form with your cash payment. We will try to include the review in the very next issue of the Reglar Wiglar.
Get your band gigs, radio airplay, better distribution, or just give them something to finally justify their enormous egos.
Choose from any one of these Review Packages:
THE GENTLE EGO MASSAGER®
_______________________ is simply too talented a drummer/singer/guitarist/bassist/ keyboardist/other to be in ____________________. Is it his/her fault that poor recording quality, poor arrangements and inadequate songwriting of his/her fellow band members makes them suck? No, I hardly think so. And I heard it's ____________'s birthday on _________ ____st/nd/rd, so everybody be sure to wish him/her a happy one. ** $100.00
The raw talent of ____________________ and sheer brilliance of _____________________ in particular, fight against the below par engineering of this their _________st/nd/rd/th record. Inferior recording does little to fight the sonic ebb that emits from every pore of your stereo speaker as the rhythmic pumping sensations engulf the listener. Although this reviewer is not typically prone to heaping praise upon an/a up-and-coming/veteran band, I have to admit that this band, ________________________is very, very good. *** $250.00
___________________ play intoxicating, pulsating, ethereal music creating an atmosphere of implicit aural perfection. Blending bittersweet melody with unforgiving chunks of isometric guitar, a cacophonous epiphany ensues. ____________ rocks! **** $500.00
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Remember cheating on tests in high school? We all did it, but remember to cheat smart. You don't want to look too good and you don't want the praise we heap on you or your records to be too flattering or else success might come too quickly and we all know what kind of demons can pop up when that happens; think O.D.s, shotgun blasts to the head and worse yet, feelings of low self-worth, undeserved attention and lots and lots of cash.
DISCLAIMER: The Reglar Wiglar is not responsible for anything in connection with this offer. We reserve the right NOT to be sued by anyone for anything at any time, as the slightest hint of responsibility will be shrugged. Any knowledge of this offer will be vehemently denied both in and out of court. In fact, we didn't even write this disclaimer. What money? What are you talking about?