Thursday, September 26, 2013

REGLAR WIGLAR 2OTH ANNIVERSARY 1993-2013

I guess this is a parody, but it's not far off from an actual letter I read that was sent to an employer of mine—one who shall remain nameless—who was a business owner sympathetic to the message contained therein. This is a pretty over-the-top attempt at satire, but the original on which it was based was meant to prey on the fears of small business owners. White, male, small business owners, in particular, whose employees were preventing them from being rich and successful (what with their basic human needs and all. Bums, all of 'em!). Anyway, from RW#7, 1996:

FIRE WITHOUT PREJUDICE
Shit-canning your employees legally


Dear Executive,

Let's not beat around the bush here, you're the boss. Nobody's gonna tell you what to do. No, sir. You've got the old lady at home to do that and probably a couple of ingrate kids too. Yeah, sure you do. So in your business, you don't need to take any shit from your subordinates.

Problem is, in these politically correct times, Worker Rights have gotten out of control. What with Affirmative Action and Sex Discrimination suits popping up like pounds on your wife's fat butt, somebody's nuts are getting crunched and I don't have to tell you who those belong to, but that doesn't mean you can't fight those that wish they could be served to them what you had to go out and earn. So unless you're a bleeding heart liberal or an old school communist, please read on.

Once upon a time in this once great country, our system was set up so that a man could hire and fire as he saw fit. Certain parties (Democrats mostly) have seen to it that even the lowliest slacker on the totem pole is guaranteed full pay and full benefits while you do all the work. It used to be that if a person of, let's say Hispanic descent, wasn't picking his fair share of oranges from the groves, you could sack that man. Nowadays, you do that and you get slapped with a discrimination lawsuit that'll bust your balls and break your bank. I don't have to tell you that this takes food out of your kids mouths.

Unless you're "mentally challenged," you've probably figured out that this is something we feel very strongly about at the National Institute of Businesses Under Siege. The good news for you is, you are not powerless. NIMBUS has produced a series of highly informative, business management brochures that enable us to enable you in your fight. Remember, what we have, we earned, let's hold onto it.

Here are just a few of the topics covered in our first brochure.

BROCHURE #1: LIGHTING THE FIRE

• How to put the fear of god into your employees
• Rewarding good subordinates without forking over the dough
• Tried and true threats to motivate staffers
• Crushing the will of the over-enthusiastic go-getter
• How to take care of the squeaky wheel without giving up the grease
• How to light a fire under an underachievers ass

BROCHURE #2: I DIDN'T KNOW NUTHIN' ABOUT IT YOUR HONOR

This is any employer's dream guide for sidestepping liability.

• How to make ambiguous sexual references that will hold up in any sexual harassment suit
• How to persuade an hysterical woman out of a lawsuit
• How to break a contract legally
• When 'no' means 'yes'
• When race and gender discrimination is ok
• Legal reasons for not hiring handicapped people
• Legal roadblocks in promotion and demotion controversies
• What you don't have to tolerate from union activists, organizers and other nut balls
• How to keep OSHA off your ass
• When a gift becomes a bribe

Every manager or business owner worth his salt has his own tried and true cardinal rules. NIMBUS brochure number three, can help you reinforce those beliefs with some of our own. Here is just a sample of what you'll find inside brochure number three.

BROCHURE #3: ACTING ON YOUR AXIOMS

• Open your mouth and your wallet cautiously
• Women, wind and luck soon change
• Fortune smiles and then betrays
• If you must lie, be brief
• Always draw the snake from the hole with another man's hand

We want to think of our employees as human beings with feelings and emotions. We don't want to to think of them as simple, mindless work drones. Sometimes this is not possible to pull off and stay out of the red. It is important, however, that you appear to be compassionate and understanding. This is where NIMBUS brochure number four can help:

BROCHURE #4: I Understand

• What is an acceptable grieving period for employees who have lost loved ones
• How to appear sympathetic, attentive and as if you are actually listening to employee grievances
• What you don't have to do for pregnant workers
• Video monitoring: affordable, legal, smart
• Subtle implications or outright aggressive threats; what works when
• Whose on drugs? Read the signs
• How many times a day should you remind your underlings just who in the hell is the friggin' boss anyways

You are no doubt wondering how much we charge for this unprecedented plethora of valuable information. How about nothing at all? How does that sound to you?

If you said it sounds good, you should stop reading right now. This country was not founded on the whole something-for-nothing system that liberals have turned it into. Any good businessman knows a good investment when he sees it and this is a good investment. We won't insult you by giving you free advice. So for the low price of just four dollars (a month, for a year) we'll send you this set of four important brochures that will change the way you treat your employees for the life of your business.

Sincerely,
Mark Guggen
NIMBU President

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