Sunday, May 31, 2009

ATTENTION DONOVAN FANS!!!

In this week's installment of Rock and Roll Geek Show, Michael Butler presents an in-depth interview with the immortal voice of Fruity Cheerios, the one and only Donovan Leitch Sr.

This episode is a must-listen, and you can do just that by navigating your internet browser here.

Friday, May 29, 2009

The Reglar Wiglar Record Review of "Chinese Democracy" by Guns N. Roses


...will be ready by the end of the summer.

It pays the bills

The funniest thing on this allegedly comical blog might be the Google ads, currently featuring cut-rate dental surgery - in lovely Bridgeview - and Saul Goodman-esque personal injury lawyers.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I'm sort of shocked



I must admit, I'm a bit surprised that we haven't heard how pleased Bin Laden, Ahmadinejad, Hugo Chávez, and all the rest of the bad guys will be if Sonia Sotomayor makes it onto the Supreme Court.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Something for the Small Business Owners out there...

FIRE WITHOUT PREJUDICE
Shit-canning your employees legally

Dear Executive,

Let's not beat around the bush here, you're the boss. Nobody's gonna tell you what to do. No, sir. You've got the old lady at home to do that and probably a couple of ingrate kids too. Yeah, sure you do. So in your business, you don't need to take any shit from your subordinates.

Problem is, in these politically correct times, Worker Rights have gotten out of control. What with Affirmative Action and Sex Discrimination suits popping up like pounds on your wife's fat butt, somebody's nuts are getting crunched and I don't have to tell you who those belong to, but that doesn't mean you can't fight those that wish they could be served to them what you had to go out and earn. So unless you're a bleeding heart liberal or an old school communist, please read on.

Once upon a time in this once great country, our system was set up so that a man could hire and fire as he saw fit. Certain parties (Democrats mostly) have seen to it that even the lowliest slacker on the totem pole is guaranteed full pay and full benefits while you do all the work. It used to be that if a person of, let's say Hispanic descent, wasn't picking his fair share of oranges from the groves, you could sack that man. Nowadays, you do that and you get slapped with a discrimination lawsuit that'll bust your balls and break your bank. I don't have to tell you that this takes food out of your kids mouths.

Unless you're "mentally challenged," you've probably figured out that this is something we feel very strongly about at the National Institute of Businesses Under Siege. The good news for you is, you are not powerless. NIMBUS has produced a series of highly informative, business management brochures that enable us to enable you in your fight. Remember, what we have, we earned, let's hold onto it.

Here are just a few of the topics covered in our first brochure.

BROCHURE #1: LIGHTING THE FIRE

• How to put the fear of god into your employees
• Rewarding good subordinates without forking over the dough
• Tried and true threats to motivate staffers
• Crushing the will of the over-enthusiastic go-getter
• How to take care of the squeaky wheel without giving up the grease
• How to light a fire under an underachievers ass

BROCHURE #2: I DIDN'T KNOW NUTHIN' ABOUT IT YOUR HONOR

This is any employers dream guide for sidestepping liability.

• How to make ambiguous sexual references that will hold up in any sexual harassment suit
• How to persuade an hysterical woman out of a lawsuit
• How to break a contract legally
• When 'no' means 'yes'
• When race and gender discrimination is ok
• Legal reasons for not hiring handicapped people
• Legal roadblocks in promotion and demotion controversies
• What you don't have to tolerate from union activists, organizers and other nut balls
• How to keep OSHA off your ass
• When a gift becomes a bribe

Every manager or business owner worth his salt has his own tired and true cardinal rules. NIMBUS brochure number three, can help you reinforce those beliefs with some of our own. Here is just a sample of what you'll find inside brochure number three.

BROCHURE #3: ACTING ON YOUR AXIOMS

• Open your mouth and your wallet cautiously
• Women, wind and luck soon change
• Fortune smiles and then betrays
• If you must lie, be brief
• Always draw the snake from the hole with another man's hand

We want to think of our employees as human beings with feelings and emotions. We don't want to to think of them as simple, mindless work drones. Sometimes this is not possible to pull off and stay out of the red. It is important, however, that you appear to be compassionate and understanding. This is where NIMBUS brochure number can help.

BROCHURE #4: I Understand

• What is an acceptable grieving period for employees who have lost loved ones
• How to appear sympathetic, attentive and as if you are actually listening to employee grievances
• What you don't have to do for pregnant workers
• Video monitoring: affordable, legal, smart
• Subtle implications or outright aggressive threats; what works when
• Whose on drugs? Read the signs
• How many times a day should you remind your underlings just who in the hell is the friggin' boss anyways

You are no doubt wondering how much we charge for this unprecedented plethora of valuable information. How about nothing at all? How does that sound to you?

If you said it sounds good, you should stop reading right now. This country was not founded on the whole something-for-nothing system that liberals have turned it into. Any good businessman knows a good investment when he sees it and this is a good investment. We won't insult you by giving you free advice. So for the low price of just four dollars (a month, for a year) we'll send you this set of four important brochures that will change the way you treat your employees for the life of your business.

Sincerely,

Mark Guggen
NIMBU President

Friday, May 22, 2009

Reglar Wiglar's Top 100 Greatest Moments in Rock and Roll Music History: #100

Sometime in 1969: The Alice Cooper Group Auditions For Frank Zappa
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A series of comical hijinks led to the fledgling and floundering rock band Alice Cooper arranging to meet with the infamous Frank Zappa, who was looking to sign bizarre music acts to his new record label, Straight Records. The audition, per Zappa's instructions, was to take place at his house "at 7 o'clock". However, the band mistakenly assumed he meant 7 o'clock in the morning. Being woken up at seven in the morning by a psychotic rock and roll band ready to play in his front yard impressed Zappa enough to sign them to a three-album deal.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Get Psyched!

Originally published in RW #5, 1995

PSYCHOLOGICALLY UNFIT
Unapologetically by Tom Ziegler

Recently, I endured the humiliation of a psychological profile while applying for a job at a record store. Had I passed, I probably wouldn't be writing this piece, but according to the London House Psychology Survey, not only do I make for an untrustworthy employee, but to hire me would unravel the very fabric of a multi-million dollar corporation.Starting with a few pilfered CDs to supplement my minimum wage income, soon I would have created a slush fund that would have made Maury Stans look like a penny ante poker player.

Of course, I wasn't informed by the chicken-shit manager that I had failed the test. He was satisfied to tell me that he was still interviewing applicants in the hopes that I would grow discouraged and simply quit calling. I had to find out my miserable results from a friend who worked there. Since the test was supposedly a measure of honesty, I have to question the manager's ethics.

A few days later, I applied for a job at a major toy store. Like the record chain, they too had a psychological "inventory". I sat down by the Mighty Max display and proceeded to fill in the dots with a #2 pencil, careful not to mark outside the lines.

Halfway through, I became disgusted that the possibility of my earning $4.25 an hour would be determined by a C average psych major. I tossed my pencil to the floor and walked out.

But I kept the test.

As anyone who has felt the intrusion of one of these measures of honesty can tell you, it is anything but that. Rather, one is tested on his or her ability to manipulate the answers to achieve the appearance of honesty. If everyone answered the questions with full candor, no one would have a job. Or maybe we would all have jobs when someone finally realized that test such as these are no measure of a persons character.

Where I failed was not in my inability to judge right from wrong, but in the poor judgment of not being able to tell the folks what they wanted to hear. Lord knows I tried.

So interest of fair play, I have selected some choice questions for the toy store survey and will attempt to answer them with all the honesty and candor at my disposal.

READ THE REST AT REGLARWIGLAR.COM

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Remember that Zima zhit?

Reglar Wiglar Historians have unearthed this gem originally published in RW #3, 1994

ZIMA WITH A 'Z'
Unapologetically by Tom Ziegler

Zo, what iz thiz ztuff? SHUTUP! Speak English, goddmammit. I watch just a little too much tv and lately my screen has been inundated with ads for Zima. Not only are they on my tube, their ads are on the sides of busses, in magazines, on el platforms, basically, your average all-out media blitz.

Like most products aimed at a hipper, younger demographic (my grandpa is not going to be sitting in front of the tube asking, What iz thiz ztuff?) Zima has a spokesperson in the guise of some reject from the sweat hogs--kind of a cross between Horshak and Epstein--wearing an oversized white suit with Chuck Taylors and a goofy fedora. The fedora seems to be some sort of running joke in the series of television commercials; other characters comment, "Nice Hat." I don't get it. I don't care. The sweat hog keeps speaking in forced alliteration, substituting Z's where the S's should be, as I have so illustrated. Perhaps he's had a few Zima's himself.

Even a communications major could tell you that the whole ploy of this less-than-brilliant ad campaign is to surround this Zima shit with an aura of mystery--it's not a beer; it's not a wine cooler; it's not your father's Oldsmobile--in the hopes of piquing the consumer's curiosity, so that he or she will run, run, run out to the nearest liquor store and pick up a six.

READ THE REST AT REGLARWIGLAR.COM

Monday, May 18, 2009

Reglar Wiglar Now Fully Kraeusened

Although many loyal readers did not even notice the difference when we stopped kraeusening in 2005, we are proud to report that the Reglar Wiglar will once again be fully and authentically kraeusened. The kraeusening process, while time consuming and expensive, is the only way to bring you the freshest perspective on the issues that affect your lives. We appreciate your continued support.

Thank you!

Monday, May 11, 2009

BREAKING SCANDAL: President puts spicy mustard on burger


Full details here.
Kudos to our betters in the infotainment industry for sounding the alarm on this sickening, shameful travesty.
Because it's so true! Grey Poupon is an elite brand of mustard that is only available to the blue bloods who shop at 'grocery stores' and other exclusive fancy shops like Target and 7-Eleven. Occasionally, high-end dining establishments like Wendy's and Burger King will unveil a dijon variety of their chicken sandwich, but it is always only available for a limited time, and often - ironically - offered in conjunction with a so-called 'value meal', which obviously conflicts with the morally grounded epicurean values of most hard-working, American news anchors. Very few Americans ever get the chance to see a jar of this exotic condiment, much less taste it.
Shameful that we elected such a terrible person President. He's obviously out of touch with the salt-of-the-earth who provide this country with it's strong, never-wavering and unquestionably wise backbone. Next we'll find out Obama drinks orange juice with his breakfast.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Classic Albums

Toby's Got A Toothache (RoosterCow) 1980

Toby's got a toothache and man do it hurt! You ever get one of those really naaaasty toothaches? Imagine if you had teeth like that bucktooth mutherfucker! Arty cover art and some killer tracks: "Novacaine/Cocaine," "Tooth on a String," "Larry, the Tooth Fairy," "Dental Damn!" and many, many more!

Woodrow Discography

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Big in Duluth


Kaspar Hauser's been kicking the tin can gong around this town for a decade now, recording and releasing a variety of material on small local labels. Borrowing the name from a Warner Herzog film, The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser (pretentious much?), singer/songwriter and Ohio native, Tom Comerford formed the band in 1999 in Iowa City, Iowa. Shortly thereafter, Comerford moved to Chicago where the band has employed a revolving line-up of members who have delighted audiences from Duluth, Minnesota to the Cleveland Flats.

Their latest offering to the world is a disc titled The Sons. Like a Midwestern REM fronted by Neil Young (sideburns included) Comferford and company touch on the more obvious elements of blues-inspired rock but also add a rootsy element and a haunting Americana feel. "Prodigal Son" and "MacBeth II (In the Morning)" are two standout tracks on this nine song LP. An unexpected cover of a Kinks classic, "See My Friends," also makes an appearance albeit with an American make-over in the form of pedal steel guitar. The track "Baby Vampire" seems to make light of infantile vampirism which is not a subject I take lightly as I have a niece who suffers from it, however, KH seem to just skirt the line of good taste without stumbling over it.

RoosterCow Records owner, Dick Cockman famously said, after reportedly being duped into signing the band to a one-off seven inch single in 2003: "I've seen sideburns with more talent! That's right, individual patches of facial hair with more talent than this kid." Comerford and crew have certainly proved Mr. Cockman wrong again with The Sons.

D.O.A., cont'd


I witnessed DOA tearing it the m*therfuckin' up down in Lawrence KS in 1990(?)at a place called the Outhouse. Fairly legendary venue, with a shocking array of big names appearing on show fliers throughout the years. Located about 4 miles off the main strip in town, and the size of an... 8 car garage, with lots of country punkers hanging out in the parking lot, not necessarily checking out the bands. It's weird, because that date seems a little late in the game, but it's almost 20 years ago, and D.O.A. is still touring! My experience with and what I hear of most of these older bands who've gotten back together/never completely hung it up has been pretty good, so I'd go see D.O.A. in 2009, sure!
This band called Negazione opened up. They were Italian and reminded me quite a bit of the Scorpions. I never got around to getting a Negazione record, but both bands are on the P.E.A.C.E. comp, which of course, I've got. Meanwhile, back in town, my dad and I went to see the Smithereens at a bar that same summer. They tore it up too.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Classic Albums

Beer Goggles (RoosterCow) 1980

We've all worn 'em, but they're the Woodrows prescription! 13 tunes that make allowances for a few too many: "I Ain't Afraid a Nuthin'," "You Look Hot...Both of You," "6 Pack Mama," and twelve or thirteen more!

Woodrow Discography

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Deep thought

I think the Lemonheads version of "Skulls" was quite a bit more influential than many people would like to admit.