Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Restaurant Reviews

Excerpt from the Best Restaurant Review Site Ever! (I said EVER!)

IRON MIKE'S GRILL

100 E. Chestnut, Chicago, IL

What can you say about Ditka, the man, the legend? He runs a restaurant like he runs a football team, with passion and integrity and an iron fist. Sometimes he forgets he's not on the sidelines of the grid iron when gives a waitress a smack on the ass for a good play or tears the dishwasher a new one for fumbling a salad plate. And don't think that plastic hip will keep him from hobbling over to your table ready to lay a bread basket right in the bread basket.

The Fridge Burger really lived up to it's name. Even William Perry would have trouble putting down a half dozen of these lovingly prepared, expertly garnished Bearific sandwiches. The service lived up to the Ditka legacy too, the waiter even took my friend Tim's overt homo-erotic comment (he told the waiter the Fridge Burger was Ditkarific) in stride. The real Ditka would have snapped my friend's neck like a twig.

The only complaint I would have is that there weren't enough moustaches on the staff.

I give it daaaa Fork.

The Top Nine Woodrows Records of All-Time!

It took Reglar Wiglar music critics, Joey T. Germ and Muggsy McMurphy, over thirty-six hours, seven cases of beer and three bottles of Makers to compile this list of the Top Nine Woodrows records of all time.

(Yeah, it was suppossed to be a Top Ten but the booze ran out.)

Enjoy!

Drunk
Quite possibly the best Woodrow record ever! Punk rock has yet to fully recover. Features: “Drunk,” “Gettin’ Drunk,” “Been Drinkin’,” “Just Had to Get Drunk Last Night,” “I’d Rather be Drunk than Drinkin’,” “Drink, Drink, Drink,” & of course the club hit, “Drink, Drank, Drunk”

Naked
The follow-up album to the brilliant Drunk LP. Twice the power! Four times the fun! Thirty-seven songs, including: “Naked,” “Born Naked,” “Tube Sock,” “Been Naked,” “Buck Naked,” “Caught in the Raw” plus thirty-one more classics!

Woodrows in Love
Recorded in the spring of 1992 after ALL four of the adorable Woodrow Brothers fell in love, simultaneously with the SAME girl!!! That poor, poor girl. “We Love You, Brenda,” “Church Bells a’Ringin’,” “Brenda, Choose Your Man,” “She Loves Us, She Loves Us Not” May the best Woodrow win!

Psycho Woodrow Zombies from Hell
Too many late, late, late shows for the Woodrow kids. Yiiikes!!! Seventeen bloodthirsty tracks, including “Gimme Brains,” “Skullcrusher Blues,” “Tasty Brains,” “Entrail Stew,” “Zombie Love,” “Gut Wrench (Literally)”, “Monster Bud,” “The More the Hairy”

Church of the Woodrows
You’ve heard about The Church of Scientology, right? Well, hear the word of the Church of the Woodrow, man! You better get on your knees and pray! Fifteen god-fearing tunes: “Lord as My Shepard,” “Jesus is Cool,” “God Loves all the Little Childrens,” “Let’s Hold Hands and Praise the Lord,” “The Devil, He Tempts Us All,” “Jesus Freaking” and more!!!

Hey Woodrow!
An early one and a surly one for sure. Ten sloppy tunes including “Ditchweed Doug,” “Goldfish Sandwich,” “Robo-Drunk,” “Have Weed Will Travel,” “Marvy’s Little Problem,” “House Arrest,” “Twinkie Farm,” and the Woodrow classic, “A Little Ying and a Lotta Yang.” Brilliant!

Run Woodrow Run!
Good advice if you’re a Woodrow. Running time is ten minutes on this one. That’s enough for thirty raunchy Woodrow gems like “Piss Pants,” “Ricky’s Got a Boner,” “Naked Twister,” “Firecracker,” “Zonked Out,” “Bum Rap (Revisited),” “Just Got Outa Jail and I Feel Like Getting’ F’d Up,” plus 23 more!

Rub-a-Dub Dub Four Woodrows in a Tub
After a two week hiatus the Woodrow Four returned with 1989s slippery soapy sequel: “Better’ n’ Shit,” “Suck-Ass Losers,” “Ralph,” “Your Mama’s a Ho (But I Love Her),” “Rat Bastards,” “S.O.B.,” “Repeat Offenders of the Faith,” “Glue Stick,” “God Hates Me,” and 33 more!

Woodrow Germs
Twenty-seven Woodrow Classics are packed onto this twenty minute limited edition, vinyl only release. Features a blistering cover of The Nuge’s “Cat Scratch Fever,” with originals “Fuck Work,” “Fuck the Government,” “Fuck the Phone Company,” “Fuck Institutions of Higher Learning.” A must have!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!

INTERNATIONAL!!!!

NAME CHANGE FOR AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR BADMINTON TEAM


NEPAL-The AP and Rueters have reported that America's most popular and successful Badminton Team, The Flying Cocks, have changed their name. The change comes in anticipation of the F-ing Cs upcoming tournament in Berwyn, Illinois on Sunday. The duo is not letting on as to what the new name might be, however. "They'll have to show up on Sunday and find out," joked team member Chris Auman via satellite from his room at the royal palace in the Nepalese capitol of Kathmandu. Auman and his teammate Tim Davison are in Nepal to receive the coveted Award for Excellence in the Field of Badminton from King Gyanendra Bir Bikram Shah Dev.

Niles Biscuit and Ian McMcKinson contributed to this story

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Reglar Wiglar #21 Out Soon, Etc.!!!

Yes, it's true, Reglar Wiglar #21 is currently at the printers and should be available for public consumption sometime next week. For those of you who don't know, the Reglar Wiglar is the zine from which this blog takes it's name. The new issue, in addition to the usual features, has interviews with Chicago's Peelers; legendary punk pioneers D.O.A. (see blog entry below); underground artist, Gary Panter; local indie rockers, Lying in States and NYC's The Hold Steady. For a real life copy of this fantastic issue, send $2 to Reglar Wiglar Magazine, 1658 N Milwaukee, #545, Chicago IL, 60647. That's a friggin' deal, people.

In other news, reglarwiglar.com is about to go down (and roostercow.com as well), but hopefully only temporarily. I don't know when I'll have my computer and internet issues sorted out, but you'll just have to check back. Besides, the blog is where it's at, right? Where's our book deal?

And finally on a rock note, my new band, Soft Targets, is making it's club debut this Friday, August 19, at 9pm at Silvie's Lounge, 1902 W Irving Park Road in Chicago. Don't be a wuss, come out and see us and drink some beer, it's Friday for God's sake!

Love,

Chris Auman
Office Manager
Reglar Wiglar Publisher
RoosterCow Records President
Scratcher of Backs (When Reciprocated)

Friday, August 05, 2005

I Got Plans for Tonight

I'm gonna drink the fuck out of a beer tonight
I'm gonna drink the piss out of a pint
I'm gonna drink the shit out of a Stella, fellah
Not much you can do about it

I'm gonna smoke the hell out of a cigarette tonight
I'm gonna smoke the ass out of about twenty cigarettes as a matter of fact
Drink and smoke, drink and smoke
That's what I got going on tonight

I'm gonna listen to music and drink beer at the bar
and smoke cigarettes and talk all kinds of bullshit
I'm gonna talk a lot of smack, jack
You're gonna wanna stop listening after awhile once I get started

After the bar I'm going to eat the shit out of a burrito
I'm going to eat the fuck out of some quesadillas
I'm gonna drink a shit load of soda and go home and pass out
That's what's happening tonight, my friend

Bank on it