Wherein the Publisher Interviews Himself
Reglar Wiglar: I like that shirt.
Chris Auman: Oh, this old thing?
RW: Yeah, where’d you get it?
CA: Thrift store.
RW: It really looks good on you.
CA: Really? Thanks.
RW: So why a self-interview for this issue’s Idiotorial?
CA: Besides the fact that no one else wanted to do it, you mean?
RW: Right, besides the obvious reason.
CA: Well, I just don’t think Reglar Wiglar readers ever get a chance to see me as a person. They never get a glimpse of who I really am. All they get to see is a really fantastic magazine and they never really see the genius behind it.
RW: Maybe they don’t want a glimpse.
CA: They don’t, you’re right, but why should it always be about them?
RW: Excellent point.
CA: Thank you. You’re a really good interviewer by the way.
RW: Thanks, man. You’re cool to say that.
CA: You’re cool too.
RW: I guess were both cool!
(mutual laughter) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
RW: Ok, before this gets anymore narcissistic, let’s get to the point.
CA: Why don’t you ask me what’s been happening with the Reglar Wiglar lately?
RW: All right, what has been transpiring with the magazine as of late?
CA: Nice, I like the way you kind of reworded that, made it sound better. Anyway, I’m glad you asked that question. There’s been a lot happening, how’d you put it, as of late?
CA: A lot of changes. Sweeping changes that are directly affecting the way we run things around here.
RW: How do you run things around here?
CA: Into the ground usually.
RW: That was really funny. Anyway, what kinds of sweeping changes are we talking about here?
CA: Well, for instance, I fired the entire staff?
RW: That’s a big sweeping change.
CA: Yes it is, and it was quite a shock to those people who were fired, which was all of them.
RW: What was their reaction?
CA: Most of them were relieved I’d say, but there were a few. .
RW: I can just imagine who, the usual suspects, huh?
CA: I know, right? Some people were all like, “Fire us? You don’t even pay us,” and I was all like, “Pay you? You don’t even work here, technically,” and they we’re all like, “F this” and “F that” and a lot of “F You!” and a few punches were thrown and I think someone’s glasses got stepped on and got crushed.
RW: That’s horrible.
CA: Yes, it was.
RW: What prompted your decision to fire everyone?
CA: It wasn’t my decision. Let’s get that straight and on the record. This decision came down from upstairs.
RW: So you had no choice?
CA: None whatsoever.
RW: So you’re kind of like the victim in all this.
CA: I am very much the victim, but to be fair, I was pretty sick of looking at a lot of those people anyway. I was sick of looking at all of them actually. So when the boys upstairs at Giganta Corp. sent word down that they were dissolving the magazine, well, let’s just say, I was game.
RW: Wait, let me get this straight, are you saying you were glad they were going to shut down the magazine?
RW: I’m shocked.
CA: Yes, the whole “shitty zine that nobody cares about” genre had gotten a bit stale for me. I’m quite bored with it really. I’ve been wanting to move on to greener pastures for awhile now?
RW: And start another magazine?
CA: And be a farmer, actually, raise cows or sheeps or llamas or something, bears, I don’t know, what do you do on a farm?
RW: Grow stuff.
CA: Sure, maybe something like that. Maybe I’ll grow chickens or something. That’s always been my dream really.
RW: Wow. That’s so noble.
CA: I should stop, I'm boring you.
RW: No, not at all. I find this all very fascinating, please continue.
CA: That’s it actually, farming.
RW: Oh. Ok. Anyway, so that’s it, huh? No more issues.
CA: No, actually, I guess I forgot to finish my story. The boys upstairs initially wanted to discontinue publication of the magazine but they had a change of heart.
RW: Tax write off?
CA: Bingo. But for that to work, they said we needed to cut back on distribution, they said we needed to cut back on quality and that we needed to have fewer advertisers.
RW: Cut back on advertising! Is it even possible for the Reglar Wiglar to attract fewer advertisers?
CA: You wouldn’t think so, but we’ll see. I think you’ll be surprised at the lack of effort we can inject into a project when we put our minds to it. I think we’re really going to take this thing underground.
RW: Further underground?
CA: Oh, yeah, that’s the beauty of being underground, the Reglar Wiglar will still exist, it just might be impossible to actually find. For example, Reglar Wiglar #22 might be one copy written on a cocktail napkin left on the table at a Wicker Park bar some night. Issue #23 might be some graffiti written on the wall in the men’s room at Millennium Park.--“Blow me” it might say. #24 might be stuck inside a fortune cookie or written on a blimp. You’ll just have to keep your ears and eyes peeled for it.
RW: If you care that is.
CA: Right, if you even give a shit.
RW: Well alright. This has been an incredibly gratifying experience. I totally enjoyed interviewing you. I’ve really learned a lot.
CA: Thank you. You really blew my mind with some of the questions your were asking. They were pretty amazing.
RW: Well thanks, I appreciate it.
RW: Sure, why not.